Today I was running errands... and I went by the hospital to pick up my images from the HSG a few weeks ago. I went to the records division and thought I could get it there. They directed me to radiology. I explained I wanted my images. She prompts, "Do you want January's as well as October's?" I almost told her I didn't have any from October... but I took a few seconds to think and recalled what it could have been... Ah, the post-miscarriage ultrasound. I said yes. Afterall, more data is always better. But it stung to be reminded when I wasn't thinking of it at all.
Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.
I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.
I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...
More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.
And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
I've Been Tagged, Yay!
Hello everyone. I cannot believe the support here. I felt kind of silly posting about a cat dieing, when there is so much pain out there with all of you and actual children miscarrying, delivering prematurely, or not being brought into existance even when you're doing everything in your power.... And yet, SO MANY of you kind ladies commented.... shared how you felt when you'd lost a loved animal.... Helped me over some of my guilt (though it still plagues me). I couldn't be more surprised and unworthy of your friendships and kindnesses. YOU get me through the hard times!!! It's been tough to lost the kitty with no one here to give me a real hug, and yet all your comments felt like one. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am more resolved to try to be that person for you all.
So... Sweet Andrea over at Entrusted Soul tagged me as a nice distraction. :) I'm grateful. So here we go (I enjoy these so much).
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I grew up eating off the kids menu until I was about 13. None of the 5 girls in my family are more than 5'4" or 115 lbs, so we all eat real small. Somehow, waiters let us do it for a long time - maybe they felt sorry for a family with 8 little kids. I also always took all the kids orders and gave it to the waiter to minimize confusion. We kids also never, ever ordered any drink besides water. :) And I loved being so frugal and organized.
2. I met my husband at a Colonial Ball.... Which none of you probably know what it is. It is a yearly even in my area in NC where the home-schooling and other families get together, hire out a place, hire a band and a caller, and contra-dance the night away. You dress up in Colonial clothing too, to go with the sytle of dancing (it's somewhere between the Minuet and Square Dancing, with such fun tunes as the Virginia Reel). I'll never forget his buzz hair-cut and white thin knee-high socks with knee-length black breeches. :) So cute! Of all the guys in the room, I wanted his attention and to dance with him the most!!! We were 16 years old and it was Valentine's Day '97.
3. I would gladly go for days living off coffee, cappuccinos, hot tea, and beef broth. I love hot drinks and coffee really fills me up. It's terribly unhealthy so I never do it (especially with TTC) but I COULD (and have in the past).
4. I'd gladly drop $200 at Ikea, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath & Beyond or stores like that. But give me a $200 gift card, and it'll take me months or years to use it... I love to "milk" it and save it for something I know I'll never be able to justify buying to my husband with our cash, but with a gift card I feel so autonomos.
5. I despise the sound or feeling of sandpaper on anything. I literally get chills. And the worst thing? Walking down the aisle in Lowes with concrete bags. Hearing shoes, carts, etc scrape along it just gives me the willies!
6. I like to think my hair is pretty, because it's long and I brush it a lot and try to take care of it with deep conditioning once a week and non-cheap products. I am not afraid to experiment with color, but I am with length. It's almost waist length and has been getting that way since J and I married. And yet.... I HATE to pay for trims. Because I was spoiled with great stylists in the small communities I've lived in the last 13 years, I never paid more than $13 for a great haircut. Yet.... I can't find anyone & we've been here a year. One bad experience with a cheap "walk in" place had me never going back... Yet I paid $45 at Aveda and loved it, but just can't. And so, my "pretty" hair hasn't been trimmed since July. Yeah, I am so awful!!! Split ends galore. Eww.
And for some good news, I ended up adopting a 1 yr old orange/white cat. The family was military & moving where they couldn't keep her. She's been sweet and it helps me SO much to not be alone again, and to have something positive to focus my emotions on. :)
So... Sweet Andrea over at Entrusted Soul tagged me as a nice distraction. :) I'm grateful. So here we go (I enjoy these so much).
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I grew up eating off the kids menu until I was about 13. None of the 5 girls in my family are more than 5'4" or 115 lbs, so we all eat real small. Somehow, waiters let us do it for a long time - maybe they felt sorry for a family with 8 little kids. I also always took all the kids orders and gave it to the waiter to minimize confusion. We kids also never, ever ordered any drink besides water. :) And I loved being so frugal and organized.
2. I met my husband at a Colonial Ball.... Which none of you probably know what it is. It is a yearly even in my area in NC where the home-schooling and other families get together, hire out a place, hire a band and a caller, and contra-dance the night away. You dress up in Colonial clothing too, to go with the sytle of dancing (it's somewhere between the Minuet and Square Dancing, with such fun tunes as the Virginia Reel). I'll never forget his buzz hair-cut and white thin knee-high socks with knee-length black breeches. :) So cute! Of all the guys in the room, I wanted his attention and to dance with him the most!!! We were 16 years old and it was Valentine's Day '97.
3. I would gladly go for days living off coffee, cappuccinos, hot tea, and beef broth. I love hot drinks and coffee really fills me up. It's terribly unhealthy so I never do it (especially with TTC) but I COULD (and have in the past).
4. I'd gladly drop $200 at Ikea, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath & Beyond or stores like that. But give me a $200 gift card, and it'll take me months or years to use it... I love to "milk" it and save it for something I know I'll never be able to justify buying to my husband with our cash, but with a gift card I feel so autonomos.
5. I despise the sound or feeling of sandpaper on anything. I literally get chills. And the worst thing? Walking down the aisle in Lowes with concrete bags. Hearing shoes, carts, etc scrape along it just gives me the willies!
6. I like to think my hair is pretty, because it's long and I brush it a lot and try to take care of it with deep conditioning once a week and non-cheap products. I am not afraid to experiment with color, but I am with length. It's almost waist length and has been getting that way since J and I married. And yet.... I HATE to pay for trims. Because I was spoiled with great stylists in the small communities I've lived in the last 13 years, I never paid more than $13 for a great haircut. Yet.... I can't find anyone & we've been here a year. One bad experience with a cheap "walk in" place had me never going back... Yet I paid $45 at Aveda and loved it, but just can't. And so, my "pretty" hair hasn't been trimmed since July. Yeah, I am so awful!!! Split ends galore. Eww.
And for some good news, I ended up adopting a 1 yr old orange/white cat. The family was military & moving where they couldn't keep her. She's been sweet and it helps me SO much to not be alone again, and to have something positive to focus my emotions on. :)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Yeah... Bad Day.
My precious little kitty, who was about 11 months old, died today. She was always very tiny, when I got her spayed in October, and she only weighed 3 lbs they told me she probably had something wrong internally... To be an adult cat, and yet to be so small and stunted in growth. Anyway.... I'd been so very busy with work, working past midnight last night and not even showering until noon today because I'd been working since 7 with back to back conference calls and projects due. *sigh* I didn't check on her until about 3 and she was curled up in a corner, dieing. I know what a dieing animal looks like, I've seen a goat die right in front of me (mine, incidentally). I scooped her up and put her in the softest, warmest towel I had and rushed her to the vet. They did what they could, but she died 30 minutes later. The vet said it seemed like liver failure, because she had a hard lump where they liver is, and was hemmoraghing under her skin (I think, it's vague). Anyway.... that was so hard to take. She has been my little companion since J left, sleeping in my room each night and curling up on my lap as I worked or watched a movie at night. I feel so upset and alone, with no one to even give me a hug. I just hate that it happened. I've never had a cat die on me.... She was so small and precious. I don't want any more animals.... I don't want to have anything else to cry over right now.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
He's Gone
Yes, my husband letft yesterday.... We knew it would be hard, but we had no idea it would be this hard. I miss that man SO MUCH!!!! We are both totally so in love, it's just obviously so hard because we cannot live without one another... We really had a hard time Saturday, saying goodbye. On Fridya night my husband and I saw no point in going to bed, because we wanted to spend as much time awake with one another as possible. We did eventually sleep, but my husband had set the alarm so 5:30 so we'd be sure to have a good, full morning together. And we did. It was beautiful, perfect, and precious. But we did have to say goodbye... It was so hard to just maintian composure!!!
I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.
I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!
I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.
I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Absent
Sorry I've been absent... This month has been busy. And now, in just a few days my husband will deploy for a ~70 day stint to the Middle East. I've been spending all my excess time with him... We even went this weekend to a lovely, luxurious mountain cabin in south-western NC. It was magical, and so perfect. But now we're back and counting down the days.
I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.
I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.
We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.
I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.
Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.
After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!
I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.
I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.
We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.
I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.
Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.
After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Chart Readers Welcomed!
Ok so this month's chart was unlike any other I've ever had. My Luteal Phase is always 13-15 days long. Usually my new cycle's start day is accompanied with a temp dip (or the following day is).
So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.
I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.
However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???
***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722
So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.
I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.
However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???
***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722
Thursday, January 3, 2008
13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom
The hoildays were actually extremely wonderful. Acutally, I've discovered there's nothing like not being home to talke my mind away from how different our life is from what I'd like it to be. Being away, surrounded by the bustle of family, in-laws, nieces, and a constant stream of friends coming and going, it's so easy to just live in the moment and have fun. It's easy to forget, because it's so busy... But then, coming home to a house with just 2 of us, where I work in a home-office, and once again having about 8 hours alone-time a day as I work, then preparing dinners and cleaning and doing laundry in solitude, gives me TOO MUCH time to think. Too much time to realize how quiet and empty our home is. Too much time to get discouraged. It's just true.
However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.
This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.
Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.
So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.
And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.
However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.
This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.
Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.
So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.
And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.
Monday, December 17, 2007
All Quiet on the IF Front
Well.... after my last post I don't have anything else to add. Except that sometime around Wednesday/Thursday there was a turning point in my spirit (mind, will, emotions). I had the grace necessary for each day. I had the grace to smile and laugh and my spirit wasn't weighed down anymore. I call it a spiritual breakthrough. It's nothing I did differently than any other day. I think I just had to persist and wait for it. I think God will offer us grace, but then we have to receive it. I can be so caught up in my own pain that I don't see it or don't want it when it's there. There is a fine line between being genuinely discouraged and then having an opportunity for release from it - and refusing to take it. A funny situation that occurs and gives you impulse to smile or laugh (when you haven't in days). An offer of kindness by a husband or friend (Starbucks, Target shopping) that is turned down because if you leave home people might forget you're sad (and yet you do want to go). Maybe just a feeling that life isn't so bad, and yet inside you are afraid of life without the pain, so you deny that feeling. Whatever it is, I know the moment I have the choice to make. I know when I'm refusing to partake of the grace offered to me. This time, I didn't refuse.
In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."
I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.
So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).
In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."
I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.
So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thanks, Wonderful Blogger Friends!
Well.... I'd like to thank you ALL for commeting on my last entry... I'm shocked at how many of you have to deal with SO MANY pregnant people in your friend groups and work. I know one couple in my company of 60-some employees who has trouble conceiving. Everyone else, no problem... As in, we have a father of 12, father of 8, another father of 8, father of 7, father of 5, and so on. Oh yeah, no fertility problems there. The good thing is, most of them work in the Illinois office, so apart from ultrasound/baby pictures and announcements, I am very shielded from it becauses I work alone in a home office. I ignore the "it's in the water" comments (how I've wanted to beg publicly for that water!).
The pregnancies that hurt the most are my close acquaintances/friends. And I told my husband, I watched all these women get pregnant with thier first or second born children spring '06 and now many of the moms with one baby are trying for number 2. I had a hard time then since we'd been TTC ~6 months, but now, this spring it'll be ~31 months. I just am not ready for that yet. I know SO MANY of you have walked through this. I only have 2 of those so far (friends pregnant with #1 & now #2 all when we were TCC before #1).... I love my friends and they are very kind to me. I am happy they don't have to experience the awful pain of IF. I'm glad to see their families grow and be so happy. But envy sneaks in and I just want it too. Yes, envy. Ugly, isn't it? And I don't want to be forgotten (which naturally happens). But I have to make myself stop comparing them to me. My life is different and I can't make it what it's not. I'm trying to love them, they're trying to love me, and we're in different seasons. I can't share all their motherhood joys while I'm in my time of pain, and vice versa. So I am going to have to keep pushing on, whether or not I'm pregnant when they all get their #2's.
Now, I would like to say I have incredible parents. When I was at the end of my rope earlier this week, I wrote them an email about my pain, my doubts, my feelings of dispair. And Dad & Mom got on the phone and called me, just to love me. Dad knows where I am. He has had deep, dark times of pain and confusion and one bad thing after another at seasons in his life. He told me that he can't offer me anything I haven't heard yet... That I will have to find this place so deep down inside of me, and find out truly what I believe. He said that these are questions my very life is hinged on... life or death type of questions. And he just struck such a chord with me.
C.S. Lewis is a writer I never tire of reading. He is logical, clear-headed, and has the ability to put into words the things we don't even know we have thought. One of his books, A Grief Obsered, was originally just a diary after his wife's untimely death. He wrestled with whether or not God was even good. Here's a quote:
“Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game, ‘or else people won’t take it seriously.’ Apparently it’s like that. Your bid – for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity – will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”
That's what Dad was talking about. This is an experience in my life where I have to really discover what I believe. At one point in his struggles, Lewis said, "Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all’, but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" Yes! When I'm so tied up in my own pain and other's joy, it is a real question to grapple with!!!! I know the truth about God, but my circumstances and definitely my feelings are telling me it's all been a deception.
And yet, I just know, even in my pain, that I believe something different about God. I don't believe he tortures as a vivisectionist. I believe He is the good surgeon, gently cutting out something dreadful out of me. He is working for my good. Not because it even looks remotely like that, but because I have to choose whether to believe His word about Himself, or my feelings/temporal circumstances.
Ah how far I have to go.... But at least I know what I'm up against.
The pregnancies that hurt the most are my close acquaintances/friends. And I told my husband, I watched all these women get pregnant with thier first or second born children spring '06 and now many of the moms with one baby are trying for number 2. I had a hard time then since we'd been TTC ~6 months, but now, this spring it'll be ~31 months. I just am not ready for that yet. I know SO MANY of you have walked through this. I only have 2 of those so far (friends pregnant with #1 & now #2 all when we were TCC before #1).... I love my friends and they are very kind to me. I am happy they don't have to experience the awful pain of IF. I'm glad to see their families grow and be so happy. But envy sneaks in and I just want it too. Yes, envy. Ugly, isn't it? And I don't want to be forgotten (which naturally happens). But I have to make myself stop comparing them to me. My life is different and I can't make it what it's not. I'm trying to love them, they're trying to love me, and we're in different seasons. I can't share all their motherhood joys while I'm in my time of pain, and vice versa. So I am going to have to keep pushing on, whether or not I'm pregnant when they all get their #2's.
Now, I would like to say I have incredible parents. When I was at the end of my rope earlier this week, I wrote them an email about my pain, my doubts, my feelings of dispair. And Dad & Mom got on the phone and called me, just to love me. Dad knows where I am. He has had deep, dark times of pain and confusion and one bad thing after another at seasons in his life. He told me that he can't offer me anything I haven't heard yet... That I will have to find this place so deep down inside of me, and find out truly what I believe. He said that these are questions my very life is hinged on... life or death type of questions. And he just struck such a chord with me.
C.S. Lewis is a writer I never tire of reading. He is logical, clear-headed, and has the ability to put into words the things we don't even know we have thought. One of his books, A Grief Obsered, was originally just a diary after his wife's untimely death. He wrestled with whether or not God was even good. Here's a quote:
“Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game, ‘or else people won’t take it seriously.’ Apparently it’s like that. Your bid – for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity – will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”
That's what Dad was talking about. This is an experience in my life where I have to really discover what I believe. At one point in his struggles, Lewis said, "Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all’, but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" Yes! When I'm so tied up in my own pain and other's joy, it is a real question to grapple with!!!! I know the truth about God, but my circumstances and definitely my feelings are telling me it's all been a deception.
And yet, I just know, even in my pain, that I believe something different about God. I don't believe he tortures as a vivisectionist. I believe He is the good surgeon, gently cutting out something dreadful out of me. He is working for my good. Not because it even looks remotely like that, but because I have to choose whether to believe His word about Himself, or my feelings/temporal circumstances.
Ah how far I have to go.... But at least I know what I'm up against.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Testing
I received a call from a good friend today... You're right, she is pregnant. Her second. They started trying before us, had a miscarriage, then got pregnant & have a 1yr old. Now another coming. Hm.
Make this my 3rd pregnancy announcement in a week. My 4th friend to enter that realm.
Am I being sorely tested???? You bet.
Make this my 3rd pregnancy announcement in a week. My 4th friend to enter that realm.
Am I being sorely tested???? You bet.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Different
So... Saturday my body was giving me all the signs of beginning a new cycle. This usually includes an acute lower back pain, slight skin breakout (seriously, this time it was ONE bit of acne, but since impending period or ovulation are the only thing I've ever pinpointed to bring this on, well...), and negative HPTs. I'd taken 3 this month, each stark white. Of course, looking at them I knew they had evap lines, but still, we all hope maybe we're just not seeing that pink line but it's really there. But from my one pregnancy, I know that once you see the line, you know. No ambiguity. My first positive that month was at 10dp3dt (i.e. 13 dpo) so I rarely bother with testing very early anymore.
Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.
So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.
And that's all I have to say today.
Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.
So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.
And that's all I have to say today.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Thanksgiving Flight
I just wanted to brag about what an awesome wife I am... *grins* Actually, not really, but I figured you guys might find it funny to see how we traveled this Thanksgiving from Georgia to North Carolina. The drive is approx 8 hours, so when we're making a short weekend of it (4 days), flying is the better option because typically it's only a little more expensive and it saves you a good bit of time.
When we flew up Wednesday we got there in a record 2.5 hours. Sweet! However, Sunday we had to leave NC early because weather was getting bad on the east coast. That took 4.5 LONG hours! It's not nearly as comfy to be in a plane as a car, you have to wear headsets (that give me headaches after a few hours) and well... it can be tense for the pilot on days like that. There was about ZERO visibility. Anywhere from 3000-6000ft we were totally IN a cloud & rain & bsome turbulence. You just had to trust the instruments. Plus all the airports kept re-routing us because they were too busy to have us flying directly in their airspace (Greensboro,Charlotte,Atlanta). So as the passenger I just had to hope the Air Traffic Controller knew what he was doing and we wouldn't midair crash with anyone. (I know, silly, but you have little else to think about up there.)
Now you may think I'm being over-reactive. But by being in the copilot's seat I have an up-front view of everything. Sometimes you'd rather not see the conditions you're in! Any for your viewing pleasure, here is our aircarft. After landing, I was praised on not showing any fear (under the circumstances, because I'm not normally scared to fly in anything).
When we flew up Wednesday we got there in a record 2.5 hours. Sweet! However, Sunday we had to leave NC early because weather was getting bad on the east coast. That took 4.5 LONG hours! It's not nearly as comfy to be in a plane as a car, you have to wear headsets (that give me headaches after a few hours) and well... it can be tense for the pilot on days like that. There was about ZERO visibility. Anywhere from 3000-6000ft we were totally IN a cloud & rain & bsome turbulence. You just had to trust the instruments. Plus all the airports kept re-routing us because they were too busy to have us flying directly in their airspace (Greensboro,Charlotte,Atlanta). So as the passenger I just had to hope the Air Traffic Controller knew what he was doing and we wouldn't midair crash with anyone. (I know, silly, but you have little else to think about up there.)
Now you may think I'm being over-reactive. But by being in the copilot's seat I have an up-front view of everything. Sometimes you'd rather not see the conditions you're in! Any for your viewing pleasure, here is our aircarft. After landing, I was praised on not showing any fear (under the circumstances, because I'm not normally scared to fly in anything).
Monday, December 3, 2007
Back! And Back to Updating!
Well, I have finally experienced something many of your talk about. I cried at a pregnancy announcement that was in front of my face. I've actually been able to avoid this so far, receiving announcements via email, phone, or blog, so I've had my own sweet time (or been able to hide my face) if I struggled. Ah, but last night I was caught unawares. Let's get some background.
I love our Life Group. To understand what that is, it's basically a group of about 5-8 couples, of various ages and stages of life, that meet once a week for a meal, fellowship, a Bible/book study, and prayer. Our church encourages you to join one so that you don't get "lost" in the big church as a whole. It is helpful for discipleship, for friendships, and for true help in need. We have had great ones in our previous churches in Charlotte and San Antonio, and were so happy to find one here in Georgia.
Our LG does happen to have 3-4 couples with kids already. It also has 4 couples with no kids (we are included in that figure). I knew one of them was trying and going in for an IUI b/c of previous chemo treatments on the husband. I prepared myself that they may announce a pregnancy soon and I really wanted to be happy, b/c they've been married 4 yrs and really want this, and um, if anyone's had to go thru chemo they deserve not to have other medical trials! Plus, c'mon, an IUI is not nothing when you're new to IF. It may seem non-invasive to a veteraned IVF'er, but I still remember the lack of privacy it introduces to what should be a lovely intimate time between a husband and wife. Anyway, they actually didn't show up. Another couple who joined more recently, been married 8 months, came. I met the wife at a baby shower and when she asked if I had any kids, I truthfully said I'd miscarried our baby a week before. She shared they'd been trying 6 mos, and at her annual the week before she asked her dr was she doing something wrong. The dr recommended OPK's, but she really didn't know how many to buy, etc. I told her I'd recommend her reading TCOYF, b/c she seemed to know nothing about her body. I guess I assumed it'd still take a while.
So at LG last night, all 4 of the ladies & me were sitting down to dinner and this girl then asks the new momma, my friend Kristy, about caffiene consumption and makes a comment about not knowing what she should eat or not eat, etc. And then I knew. She was avoiding saying she was pregnant (& we had talked one-on-one before LG & she did tell me what was new in her life was she got a job). So of course, knowing the reason she didn't tell the whole table was b/c of me, I just said, "Are you pregnant" and gave her a warm smile and congrats & asked the due date. Of course I'd already cried twice that day, feeling so down and sad for my dead baby and our lack of options for treatment. So tears were already just seconds away anyway. I choked them back, but I was bottle-feeding the 2-week old and couldn't just leave. The entire remaining 20 minues at the table was about ob's, deliveries, etc. I felt suffocated. I tried to burp the baby so I could give it back to its mom and go someplace quiet before I made a fool of myself. But in the midst of the stories, Joy (has 2 live kids, but had miscarried her 2nd child) shared about her 5 yr old son's delivery. She already had a girl by c-section and wanted to do a VBAC. After 25 hours of labor she asked for an epidural and then 2 hours later got the most excrutiating pain she ever had experienced. Her dr came over and then rushed her to the OR. Without even asking if she was numb (though she was), she saw him slash her stomach and pull her son out. Her uterus had ruptured and they had only minutes before her and her son's life were possibly lost. SUCH a sad story and yet redeeming. I immediately knew a ruptured uterus meant no more kids, and so I start weeping (silently) as she shared this. And she did mention that in the weeks of recovery she held her son extra close, knowing it was her last. She & her husband had wanted more. Anyway, yes the story was a sad one, but I think the proportion of my tears wasn't quite right for it, so I finally returned the baby and went to "get a drink." I found the laundry room and huddled in the corner, crying out bitter tears of pain. I felt a knife had been pushed in me when we lost our baby, and it remains, and certain things twist and grind it in even more. I held this woman no grudge, I am GLAD she doesn't have to experience IF and losing a child. But I am dumbfounded why I again and again must be tried and found wanting. I thought it a merciful thing that though I started TTC before all my Charlotte friends, we moved before they all started trying (and succeeded their 1st month), so that I didn't have to live with my failure in the face of their success.
Anyway, I tried to compose myself eventually, but I know after crying that w/o makeup you can't really hide it well. So I didn't rejoin the women but went to watch the Steelers vs Bengals. And Joy, bless her heart, came up to me and said, "Have I shown you my daughter's redecorated room? Come see!" I knew, without a doubt, she knew I was in pain from the conversation and she was purposely distracting me and removing me from it. I almost wanted to thank her for it, but every time I tried to, I got too choked up. I figure it's just as uncomfortable to be the preson trying to be sensitive, so I knew I didn't need to mention it at the time. But I felt so grateful for her. Something about the pain she's had herself makes her more attune to others' pain. I so want to be that woman: looking not to myself buy looking out for others.
Of course, on the way home, J asked me how I felt about it. And I spewed out all my frustration, hurt, etc. And you know what? He felt the same way. Bitter, angry, frustrated. He told me, "I don't know why I'm so slow on the uptake, but I finally understand how you have felt over all our friends' pregnancy announcemnts." (Every time before, he didn't "get" why I was hurt at their pregnancies - he thought if they were my friends, I should be glad and that should be the end of it.) It feels so good to at least be in unity, even though it manifests itself differently in each of us. He tends to want to ignore it and get fed up, whereas I just want to try all the harder. So there are still plenty of things to talk about, but at least emotionally we connect on that level. He was super sensitive toward me and while I cried he energetically did the dishes (I think it was pent up frustration!). No matter what, I am grateful to have this kind, wise, and gentle husband by my side through such a hard trial.
So I'm back and will post more often. The RE appt went ok, but basically I was told IVF is our best option, since IUIs haven't worked yet. IVF w/them is 11K plus meds. Can't do that, it's the cost of two at WH. IUI is 1K plus meds (which I need little of & have a little leftover from IVF). We're just praying and considering Dec/Jan, but we may just stay put and wait, or we may not even have dates that work. I have a hard time thinking if I pray I'll get an answer, but all the same, I pray for wisdom. I think my husband will get a clear yes or no, and I want to abide by that, as hard as it may be. More later!
I love our Life Group. To understand what that is, it's basically a group of about 5-8 couples, of various ages and stages of life, that meet once a week for a meal, fellowship, a Bible/book study, and prayer. Our church encourages you to join one so that you don't get "lost" in the big church as a whole. It is helpful for discipleship, for friendships, and for true help in need. We have had great ones in our previous churches in Charlotte and San Antonio, and were so happy to find one here in Georgia.
Our LG does happen to have 3-4 couples with kids already. It also has 4 couples with no kids (we are included in that figure). I knew one of them was trying and going in for an IUI b/c of previous chemo treatments on the husband. I prepared myself that they may announce a pregnancy soon and I really wanted to be happy, b/c they've been married 4 yrs and really want this, and um, if anyone's had to go thru chemo they deserve not to have other medical trials! Plus, c'mon, an IUI is not nothing when you're new to IF. It may seem non-invasive to a veteraned IVF'er, but I still remember the lack of privacy it introduces to what should be a lovely intimate time between a husband and wife. Anyway, they actually didn't show up. Another couple who joined more recently, been married 8 months, came. I met the wife at a baby shower and when she asked if I had any kids, I truthfully said I'd miscarried our baby a week before. She shared they'd been trying 6 mos, and at her annual the week before she asked her dr was she doing something wrong. The dr recommended OPK's, but she really didn't know how many to buy, etc. I told her I'd recommend her reading TCOYF, b/c she seemed to know nothing about her body. I guess I assumed it'd still take a while.
So at LG last night, all 4 of the ladies & me were sitting down to dinner and this girl then asks the new momma, my friend Kristy, about caffiene consumption and makes a comment about not knowing what she should eat or not eat, etc. And then I knew. She was avoiding saying she was pregnant (& we had talked one-on-one before LG & she did tell me what was new in her life was she got a job). So of course, knowing the reason she didn't tell the whole table was b/c of me, I just said, "Are you pregnant" and gave her a warm smile and congrats & asked the due date. Of course I'd already cried twice that day, feeling so down and sad for my dead baby and our lack of options for treatment. So tears were already just seconds away anyway. I choked them back, but I was bottle-feeding the 2-week old and couldn't just leave. The entire remaining 20 minues at the table was about ob's, deliveries, etc. I felt suffocated. I tried to burp the baby so I could give it back to its mom and go someplace quiet before I made a fool of myself. But in the midst of the stories, Joy (has 2 live kids, but had miscarried her 2nd child) shared about her 5 yr old son's delivery. She already had a girl by c-section and wanted to do a VBAC. After 25 hours of labor she asked for an epidural and then 2 hours later got the most excrutiating pain she ever had experienced. Her dr came over and then rushed her to the OR. Without even asking if she was numb (though she was), she saw him slash her stomach and pull her son out. Her uterus had ruptured and they had only minutes before her and her son's life were possibly lost. SUCH a sad story and yet redeeming. I immediately knew a ruptured uterus meant no more kids, and so I start weeping (silently) as she shared this. And she did mention that in the weeks of recovery she held her son extra close, knowing it was her last. She & her husband had wanted more. Anyway, yes the story was a sad one, but I think the proportion of my tears wasn't quite right for it, so I finally returned the baby and went to "get a drink." I found the laundry room and huddled in the corner, crying out bitter tears of pain. I felt a knife had been pushed in me when we lost our baby, and it remains, and certain things twist and grind it in even more. I held this woman no grudge, I am GLAD she doesn't have to experience IF and losing a child. But I am dumbfounded why I again and again must be tried and found wanting. I thought it a merciful thing that though I started TTC before all my Charlotte friends, we moved before they all started trying (and succeeded their 1st month), so that I didn't have to live with my failure in the face of their success.
Anyway, I tried to compose myself eventually, but I know after crying that w/o makeup you can't really hide it well. So I didn't rejoin the women but went to watch the Steelers vs Bengals. And Joy, bless her heart, came up to me and said, "Have I shown you my daughter's redecorated room? Come see!" I knew, without a doubt, she knew I was in pain from the conversation and she was purposely distracting me and removing me from it. I almost wanted to thank her for it, but every time I tried to, I got too choked up. I figure it's just as uncomfortable to be the preson trying to be sensitive, so I knew I didn't need to mention it at the time. But I felt so grateful for her. Something about the pain she's had herself makes her more attune to others' pain. I so want to be that woman: looking not to myself buy looking out for others.
Of course, on the way home, J asked me how I felt about it. And I spewed out all my frustration, hurt, etc. And you know what? He felt the same way. Bitter, angry, frustrated. He told me, "I don't know why I'm so slow on the uptake, but I finally understand how you have felt over all our friends' pregnancy announcemnts." (Every time before, he didn't "get" why I was hurt at their pregnancies - he thought if they were my friends, I should be glad and that should be the end of it.) It feels so good to at least be in unity, even though it manifests itself differently in each of us. He tends to want to ignore it and get fed up, whereas I just want to try all the harder. So there are still plenty of things to talk about, but at least emotionally we connect on that level. He was super sensitive toward me and while I cried he energetically did the dishes (I think it was pent up frustration!). No matter what, I am grateful to have this kind, wise, and gentle husband by my side through such a hard trial.
So I'm back and will post more often. The RE appt went ok, but basically I was told IVF is our best option, since IUIs haven't worked yet. IVF w/them is 11K plus meds. Can't do that, it's the cost of two at WH. IUI is 1K plus meds (which I need little of & have a little leftover from IVF). We're just praying and considering Dec/Jan, but we may just stay put and wait, or we may not even have dates that work. I have a hard time thinking if I pray I'll get an answer, but all the same, I pray for wisdom. I think my husband will get a clear yes or no, and I want to abide by that, as hard as it may be. More later!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Tagged! & Questions Answered
I've known I had some questions unanswered from the last few posts, so here are my answers to you, my Blogging Buddies.
I have not had the genetic testing done yet. I'm hoping I can show our history to the new RE & they will order it for us. If they don't, I will do to my PCM doc (Primary Care Manger) on base and ask him to order it. He's helped us out before, and I feel if I ask he might do it. I just don't want to use that unless absolutely necessary (trespassing on his good graces and all). I want this bad!
Four jobs I have had in my life: Turbo Pascal Programmer, Babysitter, Web Programmer, Index Operations Manger (current - work with S&P of the S&P 500 index)
Four Movies I have watched more than once: Sense & Sensibility, Shadowlands (old PBS version), Little Women, Where Eagles Dare (has anyone else see this?) (I watch a lot of favs more than once, but these I have watched a half dozen times & still do)
Four TV shows that I watch faithfully: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1 (before it ended last season)... none others faithfully, but I like Man vs Wild, and Dirty Jobs
Four Places I have vacationed: Scotland (whoo-hoo), Grenada (nutmeg & rum punch!), Vermont (in the summer always), Napa Valley in Sunny California
Four of my favorite foods: Seared Ahi Tuna with Soy-Ginger Sauce, Pepper-crusted Filet Mignon with Caramel-Espresso Glaze or Bernaise Sauce, Godiva Warm Chocolate Melting Cake, Cheesecake Factory's Farfalle with Chicken & Roasted Garlic (bowtie, pancetta, mushrooms, tomatoes, parmesan, etc - how can you go wrong? the ultimate comfort food!)
Four places I would rather be right now: Starbucks!, Vacationing in Europe, Having a baby(?), doing IVF, (ok those last two aren't what you're looking for!)... fine, then, Tahiti.
Four hobbies I have: (I'm not a great hobby person, but these are things I will do in spare time occasionally) Hunting (prefer it warm, so dove is a favorite), Sewing (need a project), Violin (gotten out of it since married, but used to play in orchestra w/ 3 of my siblings & for weddings, etc & LOVED it), Gourmet Cooking/Baking (if you can't tell from my fav foods. :) 3 of those are ones I perpare at home)
I Tag: Meg, Ally, and Laura.
I have not had the genetic testing done yet. I'm hoping I can show our history to the new RE & they will order it for us. If they don't, I will do to my PCM doc (Primary Care Manger) on base and ask him to order it. He's helped us out before, and I feel if I ask he might do it. I just don't want to use that unless absolutely necessary (trespassing on his good graces and all). I want this bad!
Projects to do in the spring while husband is deployed? Yes, actually, I am going to do landscaping. We'll have lived here 1 yr by then & we still just have the ugly/cheap stuff builders put in. I don't want to spend a ton, but I want to make it look beautiful and well kept. I had planned on painting/decoraing the baby's room when I was pregnant, but for now it'll stay as it is unless there's good reason to change it. :/
Where am I doing IVF through the military? Wil.ford H.all in Texas. Yes, we pay about $4,000 for IVF there. Tri.care doesn't cover it or have anything to do with it when it's at a Military Treatment Facility like that & Wal.ter R.eed. Tri.care comes into play when you use non-military doctors. & Tri.care's policy is to cover diagnostics/tests and anything used with natural intercourse. If you start doing IUIs or IVF then they (theoretically) do not cover drugs, ultrasounds, blood draws, etc with that particular cycle. Sometimes they do, but it's hit & miss. All military facilities I know of will not let you use donor sperm for IVF and maybe IUIs too, so you should stay with civilian providers. Good luck!
Also, I was tagged by Wishing, Hoping & Praying. Never been tagged before, so yippie. Here goes!Four jobs I have had in my life: Turbo Pascal Programmer, Babysitter, Web Programmer, Index Operations Manger (current - work with S&P of the S&P 500 index)
Four Movies I have watched more than once: Sense & Sensibility, Shadowlands (old PBS version), Little Women, Where Eagles Dare (has anyone else see this?) (I watch a lot of favs more than once, but these I have watched a half dozen times & still do)
Four TV shows that I watch faithfully: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1 (before it ended last season)... none others faithfully, but I like Man vs Wild, and Dirty Jobs
Four Places I have vacationed: Scotland (whoo-hoo), Grenada (nutmeg & rum punch!), Vermont (in the summer always), Napa Valley in Sunny California
Four of my favorite foods: Seared Ahi Tuna with Soy-Ginger Sauce, Pepper-crusted Filet Mignon with Caramel-Espresso Glaze or Bernaise Sauce, Godiva Warm Chocolate Melting Cake, Cheesecake Factory's Farfalle with Chicken & Roasted Garlic (bowtie, pancetta, mushrooms, tomatoes, parmesan, etc - how can you go wrong? the ultimate comfort food!)
Four places I would rather be right now: Starbucks!, Vacationing in Europe, Having a baby(?), doing IVF, (ok those last two aren't what you're looking for!)... fine, then, Tahiti.
Four hobbies I have: (I'm not a great hobby person, but these are things I will do in spare time occasionally) Hunting (prefer it warm, so dove is a favorite), Sewing (need a project), Violin (gotten out of it since married, but used to play in orchestra w/ 3 of my siblings & for weddings, etc & LOVED it), Gourmet Cooking/Baking (if you can't tell from my fav foods. :) 3 of those are ones I perpare at home)
I Tag: Meg, Ally, and Laura.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Back for a Bit!
I've been away, can you tell? We spent a week in North Carolina with our families. 3 1/2 days at my family's house, 3 1/2 days at J's family's house. Busy stuff!!! I especially loved visiting with my sisters, mom, nieces, and J's lil sister! I spend a good bit of time grinding venison, as J got a buck and his sister got her first deer (a yearling). I bow hunted and even got at full-draw, but the doe spooked. I want to get one next week. We love deer meat and I haven't bought ground beef since our first 8 months of marriage. Very lean, and you know what's in it. I hate ground beef at the store.
AF decided to show, so I'm on CD7 right now. Not especially happy about it, but again, what can you do but look forward? J and I have had a few conversations about what to do next. I want to squeeze in at LEAST two IUIs before April/May's IVF. J thinks they're a waste of money. If only sperm banking were free they'd be almost no money, since my tickets are free. But it's not. I have an appt Nov 26th with the RE in Colombus to get the 2nd opinion and beg for more tests. That is our plan: to get a 2nd opinion to our "unexplained" status, and to see if they'll test for miscarriage causes. If I like them, I may ask what an IUI would cost. We might do a medicated natural intercourse cycle (which is free), just depends. I will also ask how serious my rising FSH is. So, that's what my goal is: to get to that appt! I feel like J and I rarely talk about IF compared to how much I thiking about it, and always at my bringing it up (twice a week?). Not necessarily bad, but I feel I'm leaving him out of a big part of my life by supressing it, yet I know talking about it on and on upsets him. Hmm. I guess he doesn't have anything new to add anyway, though. And obviously I don't like being stagnant, which I feel we are, and he doesn't like to waste money/emotional effort, which he feels IUIS at WH would be. So we've agreed to pray about it and I assume if anything comes up at the new RE, we'll talk about the future. I guess my opinion is, we're already doing "nothing" as it is, and IUIs increase the "nothing" to "a little more than nothing" for unexplained, so I'm happier not wasting time - time that may be precious if my FSH levels keep rising. Were my FSH always low I doubt I'd feel so very pressed. A future without good chances is fearful.
So that's our life. We'll go back to NC for Thankgiving, so again I'll be MIA. My wireless card decided to die, so I have to plug my laptop up to a hardwire, which drives me crazy and makes me use it less. :/ Sorry! But I just got updated and left comments for you all!
AF decided to show, so I'm on CD7 right now. Not especially happy about it, but again, what can you do but look forward? J and I have had a few conversations about what to do next. I want to squeeze in at LEAST two IUIs before April/May's IVF. J thinks they're a waste of money. If only sperm banking were free they'd be almost no money, since my tickets are free. But it's not. I have an appt Nov 26th with the RE in Colombus to get the 2nd opinion and beg for more tests. That is our plan: to get a 2nd opinion to our "unexplained" status, and to see if they'll test for miscarriage causes. If I like them, I may ask what an IUI would cost. We might do a medicated natural intercourse cycle (which is free), just depends. I will also ask how serious my rising FSH is. So, that's what my goal is: to get to that appt! I feel like J and I rarely talk about IF compared to how much I thiking about it, and always at my bringing it up (twice a week?). Not necessarily bad, but I feel I'm leaving him out of a big part of my life by supressing it, yet I know talking about it on and on upsets him. Hmm. I guess he doesn't have anything new to add anyway, though. And obviously I don't like being stagnant, which I feel we are, and he doesn't like to waste money/emotional effort, which he feels IUIS at WH would be. So we've agreed to pray about it and I assume if anything comes up at the new RE, we'll talk about the future. I guess my opinion is, we're already doing "nothing" as it is, and IUIs increase the "nothing" to "a little more than nothing" for unexplained, so I'm happier not wasting time - time that may be precious if my FSH levels keep rising. Were my FSH always low I doubt I'd feel so very pressed. A future without good chances is fearful.
So that's our life. We'll go back to NC for Thankgiving, so again I'll be MIA. My wireless card decided to die, so I have to plug my laptop up to a hardwire, which drives me crazy and makes me use it less. :/ Sorry! But I just got updated and left comments for you all!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Friday!
I guess I've figured out who will go to Oxford with me. My blogging buddies!!!
I will actually write an entry more about why I love Oxford specifically so much, but for now I'll just tell about some of why I love traveling in Europe!
My first trip over there was September '94. I was 13 and went with my Dad, my older sister (15), and my twin brother/sister (11). He had a business conference to go to, his ticket & the hotel/food were covered for 3 days. We stayed at the Millennium Gloucester Hotel those few days. It was September, thus school-time, so during the day while dad was at the conference, we'd do our school work in the hotel room (we were 1 year into home-schooling at that point). There was tea service at 1 and I'd never had a proper English tea time! We adored walking miles and miles around London. I won't go into everywhere we went, but I'd be surprised if we did less than 5 miles a day. :) I distinctly remember buying goat's milk at Harrod's and using it for my tea (and loving it. little did I know in 4 years we'd live on a farm and have goats of our own to milk!). The best tourist-ey thing we did was visit the Tower of London, because they had a "Chamber of Horrors" below with scenes/effects from the Black Plague, Great London Fire, lots of beheaded people, tortures that went on in the tower. Creepy and my youngest sister did not like it (she was the most excited to see it, and then the quickest to want to leave!). We stayed a week, and moved to a less swanky hotel, but we didn't care. All 5 of us shared a room, I remember my younger sister and I sharing a single bed in the second hotel where we'd lay with our heads at opposite ends, our feet near each other's faces. :) But we didn't care, we were young and visiting a foreign country!
Two years later we were to go again, this time including another younger sister, and this time hitting 4 countries. London, England; Paris, France; Munich, Germnay; and Zurich, Switzerland (although we spent very little time in Zurich, we'd take trains to small towns and bike ride all day). My mom actually joined us for the last two countries (leaving the 3 youngest siblings with a wonderful friend who already had 3 of her own kids). This trip I'll have to get into later, as it encompassed such things as visiting Dachau, bike riding in the Alps, "Les Miserables" in London, and lots of pastries in German bakeries!
Five years later my entire family flew over to Scotland to live for 5 weeks. Each week we stayed in a different "cottage/house" and each week we drove hundreds of miles to the next "location" (one being an island requiring 2 ferries). My sister insisted we stay in the Highlands the entire time, so we were always north. (she hasn't yet forgotten the Highland Clearances nor ever plans to). This sealed the deal, I completely wanted to live there! As it wasn't a sight-seeing trip and just a chance to really live there, I have a deep-seated love for Scotland and its beautiful terrain unlike any other place on earth!
To top all that off, my husband and my destination of choice for our honeymoon was none other than Scotland. We flew into London, rented a car, and drove leisurely up to Eilean Shona (an island that doesn't even allow automobiles on it, it's so small/quaint!). But more later, I must keep my audience interested!!!
I will actually write an entry more about why I love Oxford specifically so much, but for now I'll just tell about some of why I love traveling in Europe!
My first trip over there was September '94. I was 13 and went with my Dad, my older sister (15), and my twin brother/sister (11). He had a business conference to go to, his ticket & the hotel/food were covered for 3 days. We stayed at the Millennium Gloucester Hotel those few days. It was September, thus school-time, so during the day while dad was at the conference, we'd do our school work in the hotel room (we were 1 year into home-schooling at that point). There was tea service at 1 and I'd never had a proper English tea time! We adored walking miles and miles around London. I won't go into everywhere we went, but I'd be surprised if we did less than 5 miles a day. :) I distinctly remember buying goat's milk at Harrod's and using it for my tea (and loving it. little did I know in 4 years we'd live on a farm and have goats of our own to milk!). The best tourist-ey thing we did was visit the Tower of London, because they had a "Chamber of Horrors" below with scenes/effects from the Black Plague, Great London Fire, lots of beheaded people, tortures that went on in the tower. Creepy and my youngest sister did not like it (she was the most excited to see it, and then the quickest to want to leave!). We stayed a week, and moved to a less swanky hotel, but we didn't care. All 5 of us shared a room, I remember my younger sister and I sharing a single bed in the second hotel where we'd lay with our heads at opposite ends, our feet near each other's faces. :) But we didn't care, we were young and visiting a foreign country!
Two years later we were to go again, this time including another younger sister, and this time hitting 4 countries. London, England; Paris, France; Munich, Germnay; and Zurich, Switzerland (although we spent very little time in Zurich, we'd take trains to small towns and bike ride all day). My mom actually joined us for the last two countries (leaving the 3 youngest siblings with a wonderful friend who already had 3 of her own kids). This trip I'll have to get into later, as it encompassed such things as visiting Dachau, bike riding in the Alps, "Les Miserables" in London, and lots of pastries in German bakeries!
Five years later my entire family flew over to Scotland to live for 5 weeks. Each week we stayed in a different "cottage/house" and each week we drove hundreds of miles to the next "location" (one being an island requiring 2 ferries). My sister insisted we stay in the Highlands the entire time, so we were always north. (she hasn't yet forgotten the Highland Clearances nor ever plans to). This sealed the deal, I completely wanted to live there! As it wasn't a sight-seeing trip and just a chance to really live there, I have a deep-seated love for Scotland and its beautiful terrain unlike any other place on earth!
To top all that off, my husband and my destination of choice for our honeymoon was none other than Scotland. We flew into London, rented a car, and drove leisurely up to Eilean Shona (an island that doesn't even allow automobiles on it, it's so small/quaint!). But more later, I must keep my audience interested!!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Well, It Was a Nice Idea
Got a call back from WH today. Apparently, they don't have the first baseline until the second week of January. Not the first week of January. That was the only possible week we could do. So, I had to tell her take us off the January list and put us back on April. I was sad. More sad than I thought I'd be, I truly thought I wouldn't be disappointed. I handled it well, I just had to cry and then move on. Deployment is deployment.
So, now J will try to get his December deployment. That would put him back in early March. So a go for April. The good thing is, he is in a pretty solid squadron so the deployment dates are very reliable. (One less thing to worry about!)
I must say, I had it all nicely planned out in my mind: IVF #2 in January, if it didn't work, possibly having another embryo frozen & doing a FET while he was gone, and then IVF #3 in April if all else failed. You see how do-able this is! I assume this means that "the heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I am planning how I'd like to pursue having children (my "way"), but my daily "steps" for getting there are established by the Lord. That gives me confidence that what is ahead is what is wisest and best. Also, I like to remember, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Sometimes this is hard to swallow. It means that I made plans for the baby we had in my womb, but the Lord's purpose stood, because it was to not let the baby live. Hard stuff. But if I ultimately believe in God's Goodness, then I believe this is not "evil" when it may look that way to my human eyes. I trust His character because it never fails.
So, right now we're just trying on our own. I am 8dpo which is always a nice feeling. We are leaving in TWO days to visit our families in North Carolina, which we haven't seen since July 4th. I am excited to see them, especially my 3 yr old and 1 yr old nieces!!! Plus 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom and them must do a "Gingerbread House" trip (this lovely coffee/tea/luncheon place that sells the pretties home decor items).
I had a long cry this afternoon with my husband(in front of, rather) . Had to talk about a lot of things regarding the miscarriage and our relating to one another, but it was really profitable.
A year ago today I visited my family in Oxford, England when my dad was studying there. I have this unexplainable, desperate feeling to fly back there. I mean, it grabs me and I literally go looking for tickets to see how do-able it is! I loved that city, I'll have to share more sometime. Wow. I keep wondering if I could do it! But with whom????
So, now J will try to get his December deployment. That would put him back in early March. So a go for April. The good thing is, he is in a pretty solid squadron so the deployment dates are very reliable. (One less thing to worry about!)
I must say, I had it all nicely planned out in my mind: IVF #2 in January, if it didn't work, possibly having another embryo frozen & doing a FET while he was gone, and then IVF #3 in April if all else failed. You see how do-able this is! I assume this means that "the heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I am planning how I'd like to pursue having children (my "way"), but my daily "steps" for getting there are established by the Lord. That gives me confidence that what is ahead is what is wisest and best. Also, I like to remember, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Sometimes this is hard to swallow. It means that I made plans for the baby we had in my womb, but the Lord's purpose stood, because it was to not let the baby live. Hard stuff. But if I ultimately believe in God's Goodness, then I believe this is not "evil" when it may look that way to my human eyes. I trust His character because it never fails.
So, right now we're just trying on our own. I am 8dpo which is always a nice feeling. We are leaving in TWO days to visit our families in North Carolina, which we haven't seen since July 4th. I am excited to see them, especially my 3 yr old and 1 yr old nieces!!! Plus 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom and them must do a "Gingerbread House" trip (this lovely coffee/tea/luncheon place that sells the pretties home decor items).
I had a long cry this afternoon with my husband(in front of, rather) . Had to talk about a lot of things regarding the miscarriage and our relating to one another, but it was really profitable.
A year ago today I visited my family in Oxford, England when my dad was studying there. I have this unexplainable, desperate feeling to fly back there. I mean, it grabs me and I literally go looking for tickets to see how do-able it is! I loved that city, I'll have to share more sometime. Wow. I keep wondering if I could do it! But with whom????
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
IVF #2, Deployment, Frozen Embryos & Go Vote!
All right, last night after dinner J and I sat down and talked about his deployment & IVF #2. We named the pros/cons to him deploying Dec vs Jan. And basically, going with his buddy does not mean as much to him as trying again (seriously, I kept pushing that point and he insisted). He also saw something interesting I hadn't thought of. If IVF#2 in January fails and he does the January depolyment, he will STILL be back in enough time to do IVF#3 in April. It's the only way we could do both. I of course am not thinking ahead to "What if IVF#2 fails?" I know the military won't just let you do IVFs forever, but I've been unable to establish WHEN they stop letting you get on the list. I know certain older women were only given 2 shots & then told their eggs were too old & they couldn't help them. I don't know if WH considers my 1st IVF a fail or success. It'll show up as a successful pregnancy, but not that ended in live birth. Anyway, just something that I keep in mind: we don't have unlimited tries with them.
Now I have something to ask. You ladies that have done multiple IVFs and gotten frozen embryos from them. If you have embryos already frozen with a facility, and you add more, do you get charged again? The place WH uses to store embryos is Fertility Center of SA & they charge $750 for cryopreservation, but even though I have one embryo there, they'll charge it AGAIN if I get another to freeze. Is this the way most clinics operate? It seems a horrible way to get even more $$$ for them!
Lastly, if you have ever benefited from Stirrup Queens, The Virtual Lushery, The IF Book Club (forgot its name???), The Lost & Found Connections, or Mel's wisdom, please go vote for her site as best Medical/Health Issues blog. There are 10 to chose from and in the IF community she stands out. She works hard to connect people going through just what we all are! So, you can vote once every 24 hours until Nov 8th! http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php
Now I have something to ask. You ladies that have done multiple IVFs and gotten frozen embryos from them. If you have embryos already frozen with a facility, and you add more, do you get charged again? The place WH uses to store embryos is Fertility Center of SA & they charge $750 for cryopreservation, but even though I have one embryo there, they'll charge it AGAIN if I get another to freeze. Is this the way most clinics operate? It seems a horrible way to get even more $$$ for them!
Lastly, if you have ever benefited from Stirrup Queens, The Virtual Lushery, The IF Book Club (forgot its name???), The Lost & Found Connections, or Mel's wisdom, please go vote for her site as best Medical/Health Issues blog. There are 10 to chose from and in the IF community she stands out. She works hard to connect people going through just what we all are! So, you can vote once every 24 hours until Nov 8th! http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php
Monday, November 5, 2007
-Hold that thought-
Just got a call from J. They want to deploy him Jan25. IF we got in Group #1 of WH (they start groups of 13 people each week of January to keep the patient-load tolerable), we could still do IVF in Jan08. Last time we were Group #2. I don't know if I can request it. There is language in the IVF contract about not being on IVF list if your spouse is deployed, but I don't know about deploying. I feel stuck - because if I ASK for Group #1, maybe I'd get it, maybe not. If not, I'd have to move to April and even then, if they knew J was deploying, wouldn't it throw me off the list? I need to read the contract again, and ask people at the online military IVF community.
BUT... A pilot friend of his is going on Dec 27th. J has a chance to go with him. He would like to go with a buddy (they'd be on the same missions/plane together). I, of course, would rather him be WITH a friend this deployment than with someone he doesn't like or click with or whatever. To me his deployment being a good experience is more important than doing IVF ASAP.
Also, if we tried to cram IVF in January, it could very well mean a potential pregnancy with a potential miscarriage without him. Yes, that assumes TWO events that might both not happen. But I have to think. How would I feel if a miscarriage were to happen without him? How would he feel? Would that really be good for his morale there? He needs to be able to concentrate on his work as much as possible - when other guys lives are at stake.
So, I told him I didn't want to decide on the phone. We'll have today to talk about it. And pray, too. Somehow I already feel like we're going to wait until April08. I am disappointed, but it's nicer to know it's our choice rather than someone else's.
Also, as Andrea asked, we can freeze sperm from J if I wanted to do IUIs while he's away. But WH will not allow IVF with frozen sperm. Some odd rule, because other military clinics do. I don't know if we'd do that or not. I kinda think it'd be a great time for IUIs. Yet, I don't know how much it'll cost or even WHERE they accept/freeze that stuff. Anyone??? It would be awesome if we lived in Florida, because a clinic w/2-3 locations in Florida offer FREE sperm freezing/storage for men stationed at the military bases there. Isn't that great? Too bad we're in GA.
BUT... A pilot friend of his is going on Dec 27th. J has a chance to go with him. He would like to go with a buddy (they'd be on the same missions/plane together). I, of course, would rather him be WITH a friend this deployment than with someone he doesn't like or click with or whatever. To me his deployment being a good experience is more important than doing IVF ASAP.
Also, if we tried to cram IVF in January, it could very well mean a potential pregnancy with a potential miscarriage without him. Yes, that assumes TWO events that might both not happen. But I have to think. How would I feel if a miscarriage were to happen without him? How would he feel? Would that really be good for his morale there? He needs to be able to concentrate on his work as much as possible - when other guys lives are at stake.
So, I told him I didn't want to decide on the phone. We'll have today to talk about it. And pray, too. Somehow I already feel like we're going to wait until April08. I am disappointed, but it's nicer to know it's our choice rather than someone else's.
Also, as Andrea asked, we can freeze sperm from J if I wanted to do IUIs while he's away. But WH will not allow IVF with frozen sperm. Some odd rule, because other military clinics do. I don't know if we'd do that or not. I kinda think it'd be a great time for IUIs. Yet, I don't know how much it'll cost or even WHERE they accept/freeze that stuff. Anyone??? It would be awesome if we lived in Florida, because a clinic w/2-3 locations in Florida offer FREE sperm freezing/storage for men stationed at the military bases there. Isn't that great? Too bad we're in GA.
Friday, November 2, 2007
IVF #2
Well, some good news at last! Or rather, potentially good news.
IVF #2 at WH has a "gaping hole" (according to their IVF Coordinator) which they're trying to fill. I am set for Jan 08 (which should really be baseline/stims starting in January, unlike the misnamed "August" cycle that's really September)!
The "potentially" part is because we can't be sure J won't deploy. Currently, they're telling him they have all their navigators scheduled and he won't deploy until April 08. Initially, we figured he could volunteer for an early deployment cycle to avoid that and make our Apr08 IVF. Now, though, we should be able to just let things be. BUT, you can't count on that in the Air Force. They usually like to send new navs over there immediately (understandably). It's a 65-70 day deployment so the soonest he can go and I be clear for IVF is Feb's cycle. Perhaps it'll all work out, perhaps we'll have to have him deploy soon and go back to April's cycle. Not sure.
J informed me not to set my hopes on this. I won't "set" them, but it is nice to know we at least have a CHANCE for January. That's enough for me. A possibility. And with how things have been lately, I'll take any glimpse of a ray of what may be sunshine that I can get. :)
IVF #2 at WH has a "gaping hole" (according to their IVF Coordinator) which they're trying to fill. I am set for Jan 08 (which should really be baseline/stims starting in January, unlike the misnamed "August" cycle that's really September)!
The "potentially" part is because we can't be sure J won't deploy. Currently, they're telling him they have all their navigators scheduled and he won't deploy until April 08. Initially, we figured he could volunteer for an early deployment cycle to avoid that and make our Apr08 IVF. Now, though, we should be able to just let things be. BUT, you can't count on that in the Air Force. They usually like to send new navs over there immediately (understandably). It's a 65-70 day deployment so the soonest he can go and I be clear for IVF is Feb's cycle. Perhaps it'll all work out, perhaps we'll have to have him deploy soon and go back to April's cycle. Not sure.
J informed me not to set my hopes on this. I won't "set" them, but it is nice to know we at least have a CHANCE for January. That's enough for me. A possibility. And with how things have been lately, I'll take any glimpse of a ray of what may be sunshine that I can get. :)
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