Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Well, It Was a Nice Idea

Got a call back from WH today. Apparently, they don't have the first baseline until the second week of January. Not the first week of January. That was the only possible week we could do. So, I had to tell her take us off the January list and put us back on April. I was sad. More sad than I thought I'd be, I truly thought I wouldn't be disappointed. I handled it well, I just had to cry and then move on. Deployment is deployment.

So, now J will try to get his December deployment. That would put him back in early March. So a go for April. The good thing is, he is in a pretty solid squadron so the deployment dates are very reliable. (One less thing to worry about!)

I must say, I had it all nicely planned out in my mind: IVF #2 in January, if it didn't work, possibly having another embryo frozen & doing a FET while he was gone, and then IVF #3 in April if all else failed. You see how do-able this is! I assume this means that "the heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I am planning how I'd like to pursue having children (my "way"), but my daily "steps" for getting there are established by the Lord. That gives me confidence that what is ahead is what is wisest and best. Also, I like to remember, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Sometimes this is hard to swallow. It means that I made plans for the baby we had in my womb, but the Lord's purpose stood, because it was to not let the baby live. Hard stuff. But if I ultimately believe in God's Goodness, then I believe this is not "evil" when it may look that way to my human eyes. I trust His character because it never fails.

So, right now we're just trying on our own. I am 8dpo which is always a nice feeling. We are leaving in TWO days to visit our families in North Carolina, which we haven't seen since July 4th. I am excited to see them, especially my 3 yr old and 1 yr old nieces!!! Plus 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom and them must do a "Gingerbread House" trip (this lovely coffee/tea/luncheon place that sells the pretties home decor items).

I had a long cry this afternoon with my husband(in front of, rather) . Had to talk about a lot of things regarding the miscarriage and our relating to one another, but it was really profitable.

A year ago today I visited my family in Oxford, England when my dad was studying there. I have this unexplainable, desperate feeling to fly back there. I mean, it grabs me and I literally go looking for tickets to see how do-able it is! I loved that city, I'll have to share more sometime. Wow. I keep wondering if I could do it! But with whom????


Searching said...

I'd love to hear about your England trip. London was our honeymoon and I adore travel stories. :) You can entertain me while your hubby is away. I'm sorry the Jan one won't work. I know that was a very exciting possibility. It's good to have the decision made for you, but then again, upsetting to have the decision made for you. Another thing not under your control, so I'm sorry about that. I'll keep praying your hubby gets deployed with his friend and everything is a go for April. Have any projects you will do in the spring?

Baby Deux? said...

I am sorry you have to miss January but if you go to England, can I ride along in your suitcase?!?!?!

I have been lurking for a while now and just wanted to let you know I have enjoyed your posts and am wishing the best for you!!!

andrea_jennine said...

The way you are dealing with these setbacks to your plans is inspiring and glorifying to God!

Julie and Greg said...

can I steal that proverb? I read that and thought, "wow that is totally true for us too!" I plan and plan our family building process and it never goes accordingly to my plan. And it must not have been the Lord's purpose to have my baby live either. It is a hard thing to swallow.

Loren said...

Thank you for your lovely comment. :) I'm glad we feel the same about some of this crap, although I'd rather no one have to go through it to ever know what it feels like at all!
8 DPO is good for me,too...although, by now, you're farther than that! good luck!
about the Lord's plans for us..the bible says that with Evil God cannot be tried, nor does he try anyone. miscarriage is evil. The bible also tells us that "time and unforeseen occurance befall us all", so sometimes, because of our imperfection, bad things just happan.
God doesn't cause these things to befall us. Because of Adam's sin, we sin. We're imperfect, our bodies are imperfect. God hates to see us in pain! He promises in Isaiah that he will wipe out every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more. We just have to wait for his perfect justice in dealing with mankind's sin.
That's why it's so hard to see how God could "plan" this for us...He didn't. He would never take such a beautiful thing from us.
I don't mean to get all preachy, I just want to encourage you and comfort you. This stuff is hard enough without wondering why God allows these things to happen!