Friday, November 2, 2007

So, how was your week?

Mine has been.... exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I feel SO worn out on the emotional level. I have had two days where I was almost a normal person again. Yeah I cried, but for the most part I was happy, singing, making dinner, and all that sort of stuff. And I've had days I didn't even want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be in a dark corner by myself to cry, or in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a good book to get lost in. I have tried to let in my feelings rather that fighting them. For a while I kept a running dialogue with myself of "Maybe I won't cry today." that I always ended up breaking. I finally realized it doesn't matter how many days in a row I cry. I will heal in my own time.

Now, as far as the RE, I got an appt Nov 26th. Good and fine. I AM going to ask for karyotyping on my husband and I. Insurance will cover it if it's deemed necessary by the doctor. I'd rather the dr get it ordered for me to draw on base for 2 reasons. 1. My husband can't make it to the appt and I don't want to drive 2 hours just for him to give blood another day and 2. Blood draws on base stay in the military's system "forever"and any base in the world can access them. Whereas if the clinic draws them, I have to carry around my sheet/file and it is only a "hard" copy but never in the computer. I can probably ask for some of this. I will also ask for blood clotting panel, and antibodies if they do it. I've always wanted a post-coital exam, too, which I think this clinic does. Basically I want to put to rest the idea that maybe my body kills my husband's sperm! Because IF it did, I'd want to know that IUIs and IVF are our only/best option. I need to know if TTC on our own is even worth it. Because....

Something awful in my medical records. Awful for me anyway. My FSH is on the rise. Oh yes, remember when I posted my concerns
here in May? Well, they are now, on CD3 a 9.5 (August, pre IVF and pre BCPs)!!! Yes. And over 10 is considered high. As in, some clinics won't even let you do Shared Risk IVF with that level. I was floored, angry, and felt like when we had ENOUGH trials, here was another thing being thrown our way. Already we can't cycle much living 1000 miles from WH, and only 3 IVF cycles a year PLUS J's deployments keep us from doing IVF that often. And now to know we may have the clock against us too??? So hurtful!!!

Now, of course, I researched this out because I have a partly OPPOSITE profile of a high FSHer. High FSH is usually accompanied by low antral follicle count (viewed by ultrasound on CD3). My antral follicle count has only been done twice. It was 11+ back in November 06 and 20 when we started IVF in September. High FSHers are also hard to stimulate with drugs. I respond well to everything they give me. For IVF, they started me on their lowest dose of Follistim alone for IVF cycles (150iu) and by 4 days they decreased my dosage to 125, last day took 37.5. I was on stims for 10 days - the "perfect" amount. Had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. The CCCT is suppose to be indicative of ovarian reserve by how well you respond to it. For the CCCT, my FSH on CD3 was 6.6, on CD10 it was 7.4. I think they like to see CD10 FSH the same or lower than CD3, but not sure. They basically don't want either level elevated. But from reading it seems like it's better for CD10 to be lower. Does anyone else have their CCCT CD #'s?

Anyway, I feel I have some bad data points against me. And it just gives me knots in my stomach to think that we've got even more against us than I thought. It wasn't suppose to be this hard!!!!

So, I know I can't do anything about this. I figured when I have my appt in Nov I'll ask that dr. I'll ask WH again, whenever I get there. I keep wondering if the drugs have brought this on or if it would have happened anyway. I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway.

If we ARE told we only have a little time left to TTC with good success, we may just do Shared Risk w/ an RE in Atlanta (forget insurance). That's why we need answers. It won't do any good saving money for WH if we've wasted precious time.


Katie said...

Oh, I just feel your frustrations in this post. I am so sorry, both for what you have been through, and what you continue to endure. Battling your grief over the loss of your baby is hard enough, but adding all of this other worry. . .no wonder you are exhausted. Take good care of yourself - do what you need to do to face your feelings. We are here for you.

andrea_jennine said...

I'm glad you're going to get the extra testing done. Definitely get more info about the FSH; it could be an issue, but it might be nothing. But as the patient, it's up to us to push for the information we need!

Searching said...

Arg. :( So sorry about the added burdens. I hope you are able to get the tests done, and on base. I'm sorry you do have to go there because I know how chock-full of babies the Bx and shops are. I'll keep you in my thoughts on the 26th.

Kim said...

I really feel for you, this is just so completely unfair. I hate that. I wish that I had the answers that you're looking for. All that I have are some hardcore prayers and wishes that you get them soon.

Meg said...

I am brand new to this whole blog thing but look forward to reading your new thoughts, they are very helpful to me right now.

CAM said...

Whenever the doc has floored me with news on bloodwork or results I feel as if someone has pushed me back down the stairs that I worked so hard to climb up! But you have to keep climbing and clawing and moving forward. Rely on the smart docs to guide you in a good direction and try to be positive and focus on your dream. We are all here for you.