Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm not dead, just a bad blogger...

So I bet you all have wondered what planet I fell off of.... Believe me, I have been incredibly busy. But this blogging as the pregnancy progresses contains a huge amount of guilt for me. I guess because I had such a hard time reading about most others successes, that I know were I in the shoes of some of you (waiting to cycle, after a failed cycle, lost babies, bad cycles, taking a break, TTC naturally for a while), reading a blog like mine would just hurt. And all our you have helped me so much, and been such a support, that the last thing I desire is to cause someone pain by visiting here.

But I am living "the dream." This is what we're all praying, hoping, dreaming, striving for, is it not? We all desire a pregnancy with a live baby at the end of it first of all. Sometimes that door closes, and we pursue other options. But I guess I want to be honest, and my living truth is that the pain and money and time and negative after negative are so worth it, when you're this close.

I am just now 8 months pregnant (31 weeks). This Baby Girl kicks and moves and hiccups and plays games with her Daddy. He will poke at her, and she will kick back. It's very intentional, when she chooses to play that game. My husband has only been home a little over 2 weeks from our 71 day deployment, and I have been in heaven with him here again!!! The very first night back, Baby Girl very obligingly moved underneath his hands and he was enamored with her. He loved my new pregnant shape, and was amazed at how active this baby is. When he left, she was so tiny only I got to feel her little "flutters". Seeing his heart melt at her just now, makes me that much more eager for her to come in person and me to be able to watch him with his long-desired and much-loved daughter.

The pregnancy goes well most days. Occasionally I have a day with tons of Braxton Hicks and round ligament pain, and it is annoying if it coincides with a planned outing or shopping trip. But I would put up with so much more. Plus, all things considered, I've had so few problems this pregnancy, and I've mostly just had regular expected symptoms. Pregnancy you don't always feel beautiful and glowing and wonderful, but feeling the baby move makes all that fade. I love pregnancy for that one reason only. It's this special connection only I share with her right now.

Getting this far has done something to my mind, though. I no longer distrust my body. For the first 28 weeks, every pain and ache I was sure was a foreshadowing of something terrible, and threatening to the baby. Then finally, around week 28/29, I realized I trusted my body. I did not think it was going to betray me or the baby, and that it would keep nourishing her like it should, and it would work like it should to bring her out at her time. It was odd, after 3 years of feeling like my body could only fail me, to suddenly not distrust it.

And yet, around that time-frame, I was sitting on the couch, and I got a pain that was so reminiscent of a period cramping. And with that simple pain, that I haven't had since March (before I started BCPs for IVF #2), all the feelings of what a those cramps signify came in on me and for a minute I felt angry, hurt, bitter, sad, failure, and dispair. That feeling brought on the wave of emotions you get after TTC so long and getting repeated failure. Yet there I was, with Baby Girl safe inside me, free to realize those feelings did not relate to today, but were stored up from the past. But it made me wonder what kind of life lies ahead, when my body starts to cycle again.

I don't know. I can't figure that out. I let my mind wander occasionally to what may happen, or what or when we'd choose to try with our two frozen embryos. I can't even begin to figure that out, and I shouldn't, but I am aware, in the back of my mind, that trying again, even with a precious baby girl in my life, will probalby still involve emotional pain, tempered with the beautiful joy of knowing we have succeeded once. We have gotten what we prayed for. And for that, we will always always give thanks and remain humbly grateful for what we never though we'd get.

Infertility has changed me forever. Miscarriage changed me forever. Those scars are still there, and always will be, through they aren't as tender as they once were. Having a live baby will change me forever. I can't be as hurt and negative as I once was. I can only pray for all of you, that in your lives, whether you're pursuing ART, natural TTC, adoption, surrogacy, donor embryos, or peace with your life as a couple right now, I pray your lives would be blessed with a child, in the future, and that the waiting time, when it's over, would hold no more power over you for sadness.