HSG - Good!

Well... had my 3rd HSG yesterday. Here's another one for the books.

Ok, this military hospital has an IVF program here, so they definitely perform these on a more regular basis. A resident doctor explained the procedure to me (and asked why I was getting a 3rd one!) and told me he'd be performing it, but if he had trouble he'd get the staff doctor.

See, I had no trouble my first one at WH, and I've had 3 IUIs with no trouble (except a resident once did have a few minutes trouble). But this doctor could not find my cervix! He looked around with the light/speculum for about 10 minutes, poking and prodding. No luck! So he called in the staff dr. He did his residency at WH and him & his wife were treated there (though they got pregnant by going civilian he said). Anyway, he was very nice, but could not find it either! He said this has never happened in his years of practice (he only looked mid-30's, so that can't be so many). He really pinched me, but at least he switched to a smaller speculum (they always do that). He said they'd call in the head of the ob-gyn/IVF clinic to do it (the ordering physician in this case too). That guy came in, very confidently, and found my cervix in about 8 seconds. Maybe less. Super easy, super comfortable. Here is the difference between a trained doctor who deals with those parts all the time, and a radiologist who isn't always accustom to finding a woman's parts. The procedure was a bit uncomfy, but finished in a few minutes. He saw the images and said they were great (tubes, uterus). He made certain to take pics as the baloon was deflated of my uterine cavity. I can pick up the films Tuesday and send them on to WH.

I did get light-headed and weak like I did with my first one. A good sign, I think. I rested about 45 minutes once to my friend's house. I am so glad to have this out of the way - almost (I do have to get the films reviewed by WH). I do so love military hospitals instead of civilian, I must say. At least the ones that understand IF stuff!

I got my baseline date: April 16th. We purchased tickets out to SA. Mine are from the 15th to May 4th. Should be enough time, but they can always be changed for a $100 fee (mine was free, so no big deal).

The part I did not like was that I will be on Lupron this cycle! They reviewed my drugs/responses last time, and thought I should do it. I don't know WHY, but I guess I trust them. They said I start a few days before baseline and continue while I am on the stimulation drugs. I need to research exactly what this is. I just REALLY don't want to be over-supressed, and I liked my response last time. Although I think I ovulated ~1-2 eggs before retrieval last time, so if Lupron would work better than Ganirilex (which was suppose to prevent that), I'm happy. I just had hoped everything could be the same so I could predict with some certainty my response and my dates.

So, it is a little over a month away. How glad I am to have it to look forward to, and yet I'm scared of it not working. I would even rather get pregnant and miscarry again rather than not. I hate the monthly BFN's. So.... I'll keep posting more as I get more info. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I'll comment/post more once I leave Seattle on Wedneday!

A Little Sad Story

Today I was running errands... and I went by the hospital to pick up my images from the HSG a few weeks ago. I went to the records division and thought I could get it there. They directed me to radiology. I explained I wanted my images. She prompts, "Do you want January's as well as October's?" I almost told her I didn't have any from October... but I took a few seconds to think and recalled what it could have been... Ah, the post-miscarriage ultrasound. I said yes. Afterall, more data is always better. But it stung to be reminded when I wasn't thinking of it at all.

Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.

I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...

More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.

And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).

Absent

Sorry I've been absent... This month has been busy. And now, in just a few days my husband will deploy for a ~70 day stint to the Middle East. I've been spending all my excess time with him... We even went this weekend to a lovely, luxurious mountain cabin in south-western NC. It was magical, and so perfect. But now we're back and counting down the days.

I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.

I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.

We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.

I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.

Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.

After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!

Back! And Back to Updating!

Well, I have finally experienced something many of your talk about. I cried at a pregnancy announcement that was in front of my face. I've actually been able to avoid this so far, receiving announcements via email, phone, or blog, so I've had my own sweet time (or been able to hide my face) if I struggled. Ah, but last night I was caught unawares. Let's get some background.

I love our Life Group. To understand what that is, it's basically a group of about 5-8 couples, of various ages and stages of life, that meet once a week for a meal, fellowship, a Bible/book study, and prayer. Our church encourages you to join one so that you don't get "lost" in the big church as a whole. It is helpful for discipleship, for friendships, and for true help in need. We have had great ones in our previous churches in Charlotte and San Antonio, and were so happy to find one here in Georgia.

Our LG does happen to have 3-4 couples with kids already. It also has 4 couples with no kids (we are included in that figure). I knew one of them was trying and going in for an IUI b/c of previous chemo treatments on the husband. I prepared myself that they may announce a pregnancy soon and I really wanted to be happy, b/c they've been married 4 yrs and really want this, and um, if anyone's had to go thru chemo they deserve not to have other medical trials! Plus, c'mon, an IUI is not nothing when you're new to IF. It may seem non-invasive to a veteraned IVF'er, but I still remember the lack of privacy it introduces to what should be a lovely intimate time between a husband and wife. Anyway, they actually didn't show up. Another couple who joined more recently, been married 8 months, came. I met the wife at a baby shower and when she asked if I had any kids, I truthfully said I'd miscarried our baby a week before. She shared they'd been trying 6 mos, and at her annual the week before she asked her dr was she doing something wrong. The dr recommended OPK's, but she really didn't know how many to buy, etc. I told her I'd recommend her reading TCOYF, b/c she seemed to know nothing about her body. I guess I assumed it'd still take a while.

So at LG last night, all 4 of the ladies & me were sitting down to dinner and this girl then asks the new momma, my friend Kristy, about caffiene consumption and makes a comment about not knowing what she should eat or not eat, etc. And then I knew. She was avoiding saying she was pregnant (& we had talked one-on-one before LG & she did tell me what was new in her life was she got a job). So of course, knowing the reason she didn't tell the whole table was b/c of me, I just said, "Are you pregnant" and gave her a warm smile and congrats & asked the due date. Of course I'd already cried twice that day, feeling so down and sad for my dead baby and our lack of options for treatment. So tears were already just seconds away anyway. I choked them back, but I was bottle-feeding the 2-week old and couldn't just leave. The entire remaining 20 minues at the table was about ob's, deliveries, etc. I felt suffocated. I tried to burp the baby so I could give it back to its mom and go someplace quiet before I made a fool of myself. But in the midst of the stories, Joy (has 2 live kids, but had miscarried her 2nd child) shared about her 5 yr old son's delivery. She already had a girl by c-section and wanted to do a VBAC. After 25 hours of labor she asked for an epidural and then 2 hours later got the most excrutiating pain she ever had experienced. Her dr came over and then rushed her to the OR. Without even asking if she was numb (though she was), she saw him slash her stomach and pull her son out. Her uterus had ruptured and they had only minutes before her and her son's life were possibly lost. SUCH a sad story and yet redeeming. I immediately knew a ruptured uterus meant no more kids, and so I start weeping (silently) as she shared this. And she did mention that in the weeks of recovery she held her son extra close, knowing it was her last. She & her husband had wanted more. Anyway, yes the story was a sad one, but I think the proportion of my tears wasn't quite right for it, so I finally returned the baby and went to "get a drink." I found the laundry room and huddled in the corner, crying out bitter tears of pain. I felt a knife had been pushed in me when we lost our baby, and it remains, and certain things twist and grind it in even more. I held this woman no grudge, I am GLAD she doesn't have to experience IF and losing a child. But I am dumbfounded why I again and again must be tried and found wanting. I thought it a merciful thing that though I started TTC before all my Charlotte friends, we moved before they all started trying (and succeeded their 1st month), so that I didn't have to live with my failure in the face of their success.

Anyway, I tried to compose myself eventually, but I know after crying that w/o makeup you can't really hide it well. So I didn't rejoin the women but went to watch the Steelers vs Bengals. And Joy, bless her heart, came up to me and said, "Have I shown you my daughter's redecorated room? Come see!" I knew, without a doubt, she knew I was in pain from the conversation and she was purposely distracting me and removing me from it. I almost wanted to thank her for it, but every time I tried to, I got too choked up. I figure it's just as uncomfortable to be the preson trying to be sensitive, so I knew I didn't need to mention it at the time. But I felt so grateful for her. Something about the pain she's had herself makes her more attune to others' pain. I so want to be that woman: looking not to myself buy looking out for others.

Of course, on the way home, J asked me how I felt about it. And I spewed out all my frustration, hurt, etc. And you know what? He felt the same way. Bitter, angry, frustrated. He told me, "I don't know why I'm so slow on the uptake, but I finally understand how you have felt over all our friends' pregnancy announcemnts." (Every time before, he didn't "get" why I was hurt at their pregnancies - he thought if they were my friends, I should be glad and that should be the end of it.) It feels so good to at least be in unity, even though it manifests itself differently in each of us. He tends to want to ignore it and get fed up, whereas I just want to try all the harder. So there are still plenty of things to talk about, but at least emotionally we connect on that level. He was super sensitive toward me and while I cried he energetically did the dishes (I think it was pent up frustration!). No matter what, I am grateful to have this kind, wise, and gentle husband by my side through such a hard trial.

So I'm back and will post more often. The RE appt went ok, but basically I was told IVF is our best option, since IUIs haven't worked yet. IVF w/them is 11K plus meds. Can't do that, it's the cost of two at WH. IUI is 1K plus meds (which I need little of & have a little leftover from IVF). We're just praying and considering Dec/Jan, but we may just stay put and wait, or we may not even have dates that work. I have a hard time thinking if I pray I'll get an answer, but all the same, I pray for wisdom. I think my husband will get a clear yes or no, and I want to abide by that, as hard as it may be. More later!

Back for a Bit!

I've been away, can you tell? We spent a week in North Carolina with our families. 3 1/2 days at my family's house, 3 1/2 days at J's family's house. Busy stuff!!! I especially loved visiting with my sisters, mom, nieces, and J's lil sister! I spend a good bit of time grinding venison, as J got a buck and his sister got her first deer (a yearling). I bow hunted and even got at full-draw, but the doe spooked. I want to get one next week. We love deer meat and I haven't bought ground beef since our first 8 months of marriage. Very lean, and you know what's in it. I hate ground beef at the store.

AF decided to show, so I'm on CD7 right now. Not especially happy about it, but again, what can you do but look forward? J and I have had a few conversations about what to do next. I want to squeeze in at LEAST two IUIs before April/May's IVF. J thinks they're a waste of money. If only sperm banking were free they'd be almost no money, since my tickets are free. But it's not. I have an appt Nov 26th with the RE in Colombus to get the 2nd opinion and beg for more tests. That is our plan: to get a 2nd opinion to our "unexplained" status, and to see if they'll test for miscarriage causes. If I like them, I may ask what an IUI would cost. We might do a medicated natural intercourse cycle (which is free), just depends. I will also ask how serious my rising FSH is. So, that's what my goal is: to get to that appt! I feel like J and I rarely talk about IF compared to how much I thiking about it, and always at my bringing it up (twice a week?). Not necessarily bad, but I feel I'm leaving him out of a big part of my life by supressing it, yet I know talking about it on and on upsets him. Hmm. I guess he doesn't have anything new to add anyway, though. And obviously I don't like being stagnant, which I feel we are, and he doesn't like to waste money/emotional effort, which he feels IUIS at WH would be. So we've agreed to pray about it and I assume if anything comes up at the new RE, we'll talk about the future. I guess my opinion is, we're already doing "nothing" as it is, and IUIs increase the "nothing" to "a little more than nothing" for unexplained, so I'm happier not wasting time - time that may be precious if my FSH levels keep rising. Were my FSH always low I doubt I'd feel so very pressed. A future without good chances is fearful.

So that's our life. We'll go back to NC for Thankgiving, so again I'll be MIA. My wireless card decided to die, so I have to plug my laptop up to a hardwire, which drives me crazy and makes me use it less. :/ Sorry! But I just got updated and left comments for you all!

Well, It Was a Nice Idea

Got a call back from WH today. Apparently, they don't have the first baseline until the second week of January. Not the first week of January. That was the only possible week we could do. So, I had to tell her take us off the January list and put us back on April. I was sad. More sad than I thought I'd be, I truly thought I wouldn't be disappointed. I handled it well, I just had to cry and then move on. Deployment is deployment.

So, now J will try to get his December deployment. That would put him back in early March. So a go for April. The good thing is, he is in a pretty solid squadron so the deployment dates are very reliable. (One less thing to worry about!)

I must say, I had it all nicely planned out in my mind: IVF #2 in January, if it didn't work, possibly having another embryo frozen & doing a FET while he was gone, and then IVF #3 in April if all else failed. You see how do-able this is! I assume this means that "the heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I am planning how I'd like to pursue having children (my "way"), but my daily "steps" for getting there are established by the Lord. That gives me confidence that what is ahead is what is wisest and best. Also, I like to remember, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Sometimes this is hard to swallow. It means that I made plans for the baby we had in my womb, but the Lord's purpose stood, because it was to not let the baby live. Hard stuff. But if I ultimately believe in God's Goodness, then I believe this is not "evil" when it may look that way to my human eyes. I trust His character because it never fails.

So, right now we're just trying on our own. I am 8dpo which is always a nice feeling. We are leaving in TWO days to visit our families in North Carolina, which we haven't seen since July 4th. I am excited to see them, especially my 3 yr old and 1 yr old nieces!!! Plus 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom and them must do a "Gingerbread House" trip (this lovely coffee/tea/luncheon place that sells the pretties home decor items).

I had a long cry this afternoon with my husband(in front of, rather) . Had to talk about a lot of things regarding the miscarriage and our relating to one another, but it was really profitable.

A year ago today I visited my family in Oxford, England when my dad was studying there. I have this unexplainable, desperate feeling to fly back there. I mean, it grabs me and I literally go looking for tickets to see how do-able it is! I loved that city, I'll have to share more sometime. Wow. I keep wondering if I could do it! But with whom????

IVF #2, Deployment, Frozen Embryos & Go Vote!

All right, last night after dinner J and I sat down and talked about his deployment & IVF #2. We named the pros/cons to him deploying Dec vs Jan. And basically, going with his buddy does not mean as much to him as trying again (seriously, I kept pushing that point and he insisted). He also saw something interesting I hadn't thought of. If IVF#2 in January fails and he does the January depolyment, he will STILL be back in enough time to do IVF#3 in April. It's the only way we could do both. I of course am not thinking ahead to "What if IVF#2 fails?" I know the military won't just let you do IVFs forever, but I've been unable to establish WHEN they stop letting you get on the list. I know certain older women were only given 2 shots & then told their eggs were too old & they couldn't help them. I don't know if WH considers my 1st IVF a fail or success. It'll show up as a successful pregnancy, but not that ended in live birth. Anyway, just something that I keep in mind: we don't have unlimited tries with them.

Now I have something to ask. You ladies that have done multiple IVFs and gotten frozen embryos from them. If you have embryos already frozen with a facility, and you add more, do you get charged again? The place WH uses to store embryos is Fertility Center of SA & they charge $750 for cryopreservation, but even though I have one embryo there, they'll charge it AGAIN if I get another to freeze. Is this the way most clinics operate? It seems a horrible way to get even more $$$ for them!

Lastly, if you have ever benefited from Stirrup Queens, The Virtual Lushery, The IF Book Club (forgot its name???), The Lost & Found Connections, or Mel's wisdom, please go vote for her site as best Medical/Health Issues blog. There are 10 to chose from and in the IF community she stands out. She works hard to connect people going through just what we all are! So, you can vote once every 24 hours until Nov 8th! http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php

-Hold that thought-

Just got a call from J. They want to deploy him Jan25. IF we got in Group #1 of WH (they start groups of 13 people each week of January to keep the patient-load tolerable), we could still do IVF in Jan08. Last time we were Group #2. I don't know if I can request it. There is language in the IVF contract about not being on IVF list if your spouse is deployed, but I don't know about deploying. I feel stuck - because if I ASK for Group #1, maybe I'd get it, maybe not. If not, I'd have to move to April and even then, if they knew J was deploying, wouldn't it throw me off the list? I need to read the contract again, and ask people at the online military IVF community.

BUT... A pilot friend of his is going on Dec 27th. J has a chance to go with him. He would like to go with a buddy (they'd be on the same missions/plane together). I, of course, would rather him be WITH a friend this deployment than with someone he doesn't like or click with or whatever. To me his deployment being a good experience is more important than doing IVF ASAP.

Also, if we tried to cram IVF in January, it could very well mean a potential pregnancy with a potential miscarriage without him. Yes, that assumes TWO events that might both not happen. But I have to think. How would I feel if a miscarriage were to happen without him? How would he feel? Would that really be good for his morale there? He needs to be able to concentrate on his work as much as possible - when other guys lives are at stake.

So, I told him I didn't want to decide on the phone. We'll have today to talk about it. And pray, too. Somehow I already feel like we're going to wait until April08. I am disappointed, but it's nicer to know it's our choice rather than someone else's.

Also, as Andrea asked, we can freeze sperm from J if I wanted to do IUIs while he's away. But WH will not allow IVF with frozen sperm. Some odd rule, because other military clinics do. I don't know if we'd do that or not. I kinda think it'd be a great time for IUIs. Yet, I don't know how much it'll cost or even WHERE they accept/freeze that stuff. Anyone??? It would be awesome if we lived in Florida, because a clinic w/2-3 locations in Florida offer FREE sperm freezing/storage for men stationed at the military bases there. Isn't that great? Too bad we're in GA.

Embryo Quality???

Ok so I skimmed over my fertilization/embryo one-page report after Transfer, but never looked very close.

Also, I just re-read my HCG trigger dose.

I have concerns about both in terms of the doctor's communication. The HCG I think was done wrong (I got a 2500 dose rather than 5000). The embryo thing, I think they just didn't communicate as well as I'd have liked.

Can you guys give me thoughts?

HCG trigger: My Estradiol level at Day 10 of meds came back at 4944. I had a follicle over 21mm & ones close behind, which was the cutoff for trigger. The dr said b/c I had such a high E2 level, he didn't want me on the whole HCG dose just so the smaller follicles wouldn't catch up & me possibly overstim. Fair. However, the regular 10,000 does instruction paper says:
Mix 1 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
My dr scratched out & wrote:
Mix 2 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
Now do the math. I doubled the water & then injected half. By doing both I got 2500 HCG (when he clearly wrote & told me 5000). Right? Shouldn't he have said mix 1 ML water & inject 1/2 ML? Or have you guys done this & it's right?

Embryo Fertilization: We were told we had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 8 fertilized (1 latecomer). Maybe the dr DID mutter something about others than fertilized & wouldn't have been normal, it was hard to hear. My sheet says:
7 fertilized w/ 2 pronuclei
1 fertilized w/ 1 pronuclei (don't know which one that was)
3 fertilized w/ 3 pronuclei (multinucleation, I think this is called)

So honestly we got a better fert rate than I thought (11 out of 15), but just some abnormal embryos, i.e. non viable. Isn't that interesting? Has anyone else gotten this? I don't know if this is good or bad, 3 sounds like a lot to have an extra pronuclei, therefore a whole extra set of chromosomes. Bad eggs? Not a clue! Who knows something?

And no I'm not upset or even worried. Just interesting! If there's a next time, I'm totally reading this stuff ahead of time (not like they gave me a chance too, I got the paper as I left ET!)

IVF #1 - Transfer

Well, as you all knew, on Wednesday (24 hours after Retrieval), we received a call from WH stating of the 17 eggs they got, 13 were mature (this is common to have immature ones in the group). Of those 13, 7 fertilized. Our next report was this morning.

When we went in for the Transfer this morning, we were told one extra embryo fertilized late, so we had 8 now. However, none of them were perfect quality (meaning, no fragmentation in the cells). No one agrees upon a grading scale/method, but WH uses A-D, A being no fragmentation, B minor fragmentation, etc. D's rarely make it I think, because they're severely fragmented. Anyway, all of ours were B's.

They also look for them to be 7-8 cells on Day 3 (Transfer Day). We didn't have any with that many, but we had a 6-cell, 3 5-cells, 2 4-cells, and 2 3-cells. The 3-cells they do not expect to keep growing. Whatever is still growing on Sunday will be frozen. It may be all, may be none, we don't know. We were offered a chance to transfer 3 (highly unusual considering my age!), but considering that we had no perfect embryos I guess they thought it worth offering. We chose to only transfer the 6-cell and a 5-cell, simply because we did not think we could honestly pray for a triplet pregnancy/babies.

I AM a little discouraged, given my age and our "unexplained" status, that we didn't get anything better. But the Lord has been in control and it remains that way. Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. No matter what, I get a blood test on 9/26 to determine the outcome of all this. So until then just pray for the survival of these two embryos inside me. J flys home tomorrow, I fly home Monday. I'm resting a lot until then. :)

I've only done two of the Progersterone in Oil shots. I have to do this 2 weeks if not pregnant, 7 weeks if pregnant. The first was a breeze... the 2nd, I think I hit my sciatic nerve, because I woke up at 4 in intense pain and could not sleep after an hour w/o Tylenol! So I've got to get better at that.

If you want to see actual pictures of what I'm talking about with cells and fragmentation, just click the pages below.

http://www.advancedfertility.com/embryoquality.htm http://www.ohiorepromed.com/embryo_grading.htm

IVF #1 - Fertilization Report

WH called today & gave us our report.... Of the 17 eggs they retrieved, 13 were mature. That means 4 were not mature/large enough to have eggs in them. Of those 13 mature, 7 fertilized - over half!

We're (again) grateful to have gotten to this point.

Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen. We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills!

Thank you for all your comments! It's been SO BUSY being here in San Antonio trying to visit old friends and do funb stuff in the area, I've rarely been on the computer more than 5-10 minutes at a time. But once I get home (early next week) I'll start reading/commenting more faithfully.

IVF #1 - Retrieval!

Retrieval was this morning at 10:15. Showed up at 7:30 & did some prep. I was totallly awake for it, remember everything (which I liked)! Mildly painful, right now I'm pretty comfortable resting at home with J (with Dunkin Donuts he got me)! I didn't even feel like I needed any painkiller, but thought it would make me feel a bit better, so I took Tylenol w/Codine. Bad move, made me nauseous (I told them I was allergic to hydrocodone & I guess I don't do well w/codine either).

They got 17 eggs!!!!! We are so blessed and happy at the news, and I'm especially delighted to feel so good. THANK YOU for all your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, they have been answered and have meant so much. I don't know WHAT the future holds, but we look forward to tomorrow. I know some or all may not fertilize, since we're unexplained, so I try to hold this lightly.

We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then. If some fertilize, tomorrow night I do my first PIO shot.

IVF #1 - 9 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #4

Went in yesterday morning for my blood work and ultrasound and got good news!

Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)

Because there's one over 20mm, we did 5,000 HCG trigger shot last night & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was 4944 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!! I did my last Ganirilex and 37.5 iu of Follistim Sunday morning.

J flew out Saturday and gets to be here until next Saturday! It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here. So Tueday is Big Day #1. I consider Wednesday (fertilization day) as Big Day #2, and Friday (transfer day) as Big Day #3.

Lots of drugs to start on tomorrow night. My first PIO, I'm curious how bad it'll be. I did the IM trigger w/o icing the area wonder if I can do that too?

Can't wait for my first big day..... Thank you ALL for checking in!

IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3

My newest update contains info from yesterday's appt. Today I started Ganirilex. I get seen again Sunday, and J comes in tomorrow. We were finally able to get him cleared to miss a week's worth of training (if needed). That was a huge relief. A ticket was a little under $500, but at first they looked to be $700+, so that sound not too bad. So, now, I am measuring:

Thursday Scan, Day 7 on meds (scans before 7th dose)
Left: 5 at 10mm, 3 at 11mm, 2 at 12mm, 4 less than 10mm (14 total)
Right: 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 1 at 10mm, few less than 10mm (4+ total)
Lining: 12.1

Stupid right ovary. Seriously, it upsets me how much different they are in production. Perhaps when we go in Sunday that'll be trigger day. If it isn't, I'll come in Monday & every day until the time, I think. Retrieval is 36 hours after trigger, I think.

Yesterday was a tough day emotionally and physically. The waiting and being without J has been tough. Not having a doctor who even cares about you is tough. Being told you'll get called back & not is tough. And waking up at 4am to get a decent nubmer at the clinic sucks. I wake up multiple times at night, afraid I've missed my alarm. I hate it. I picked up 2 dozen Krispy Kremes and took them to my appt Thursday, as a goodwill gesture. It made me feel good about myself even if the service there is crappy. I got about 2 1/2 minutes w/the doctor, enough for him to measure the follies & give me ganirelix. He said he didn't know what time the doc would do Sunday scans, so I'd get a call. Over 19 hours later, NO CALL. I left a message. Why is my favorite doc TDY?!?!??! I wish I were in Group 3 so I'd have him somtimes, since he comes back next week (I'm in group 2. Group 3 just had baseline yesterday). Oh well though!

In addition to that, the dear friend I'm staying with here went through 4 years of IF, conceived her 2 yr old on IVF, and was waiting to do a FET til next spring. She got preg outta the blue, 9 wks ago. Went in to date the baby's age, was told it was 6 wks old. Next few weeks had terribly hyper-emesis, went to hospital for fluids, etc. Last weekend (between my 2 trips out) she started spotting/cramping. Went in Tuesday (while I'm at WH) for ultrasound. I got home 1st, she walks in crying, "We lost the baby." Devastating! I hurt so bad for her!!! She had the D&C the next day (missed miscarriage), but after what IF takes you though, then to get preg & lose it like that - so hard to take! She is handling it wonderfully, trusting in God's grace. But it leaves me scared of getting preg with possibilities like that! I already see myself crazily needing doubling betas and ultrasounds every week.... Worrying. And I don't want to.

IN ADDITION, today my sister called crying b/c someone very close to us (can't tell who) has been addicted to cocaine & binging on alcohol & spent ALL of someone else's life savings (half a million!). Someone who they trusted. Everyone did. I can't even convey how NOT like this person this is. They were stable, reliable, Godly, etc. I've been crying off/on all day, going between anger, hurt, questioning, numbness. My parents will take on 100% of fixing all this, financially/physically/otherwise. My mom is inconsolable. There's so much to fix (like letting insurance lapse for months!). It's heartbreaking. I want to throw up as I write this. So, we grieve. And yet I can't even be near those I love to get or give an actual hug.

What a week. IVF pales in comparison to these things, but I am living in it right now, so I push forward. But this all feels so wrong. When someone you trust hurts you so bad, you feel like you can't trust anyone. And you feel like where is God. I know a lot of answers, so I don't exactly need them (my husband tried to comfort me with "wise words" and I ended up feeling resentful he wouldn't just cry with me). But we're so far down in this well I can't even see daylight. Please invervene, Lord. A lot of questions remain unanswered. J says I don't need answers. So I keep praying... a lot.

IVF #1 - 4 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #2

So, after a terrific weekend in GA, I got back to San Antonio Monday night. Went in for my Tuesday appt and even though I arrived at 5:30 I wasn't the 1st! By the time all the ladies arrived for scans, there were about 20! It was ridiculous! I'm so glad I went early, that would have been such a hassle waiting around.

I got Dr. A, who's fine. In & out in like 3 minutes. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions. (that'll come later!). (& for what it's worth, there are only 4 docs at WH so I'm not silly enough to actually use their real initials, the letters I use stand for something to me. Not creative enough to use actual nicknames.)

So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150IU Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) (taken on Day 5 before my morning dose) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 4 less than 10mm, 10.2, 12
Endometrium: 6.7

I'm shocked my right is outgrowing my left, this has never happened. The aspirated cyst had fluid around it, but they said it was ok.

After my labs came back , they called & told me on Day 6 (tomorrow), take my Follistim down to 125IU. Guess my E2 is a bit high? So that works for me. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for th injection. Oh & I figured out Follistim hurts less than Gonal-f.

I scheduled my 1st IVF Accupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Curious if I can stand it! This is all the update for today, thanks for coming by!!

Baseline Result for IVF #1

I could not think of leaving you out of my updates, even though it's busy here w/ 5 guests in the house for Labor Day weekend! However, I'd love to tell how the appt went Thursday.


Remember, I flew from GA to TX on Wed for a Thurs appt, and planned on flying out Thurs afternoon after the appt back to GA, & return Mon night to TX for the Tuesday morn next appt. Then I'd stay there 2 weeks or whatever it took for stims, ER, ET, and any further follow-up. Yes, not as cost-effective, but I'm already going to be apart from my husband a long time as it is, and we'd planned on having friends over Labor Day Weekend. I figured this schedule was worth the cost/hassle. And no matter if I had something that forced me to stay in TX this weekend, I'd stay because of course IVF comes first. That was my mindset.

I woke at 4:00, left at 5:00 and arrived at the clinic at 5:30. Got nice & settled in to wait for the clinic to open at 6:30. For those unfamiliar with how WH does morning monitorings, see this post. Except the lab no longer keeps the ticket outside! So I have to try to get my ultrasound number and then hope I don't get a bad nubmer at the lab. :( Bleh.


I didn't know which doc I'd get for ultrasound, but I got my fav, a treat for this particular day!!! Because guess who had a cyst the first time in her life? Yep. Measuring 20x30mm, it was on the border of needing aspriation. I assume the 26 days of Ortho Novum 1/35 didn't do its job. (I hardly even got a period, too.) I hated being on BCP's anyway, especially since had my normal cycle run its course, I'd have started bleeding the SAME DAY as when I did on BCP's. Sheesh. The dr was so nice (gave me a hug hello when he saw me!). He was doing the ultrasound, and started on the Right, looked around a few seconds, and then sadly mumbled, "Oh Sweetheart, what's this?" He told me the cyst was small enough I might be able to proceed, but when my blood levels came back that would tell whether or not I needed it drained ('m assuming the E2 level would reveal that). He said he would call. He usually gives the feeling that I can take all the time I need to ask questions, but he seemed hurried today. I understood, IVF there is busy.

So, typically I'd have told him I was trying to fly out back to GA later that day, but I wasn't sure they exactly liked me being non driving-distance from the clinic - even though they don't want to see me again until Tuesday morning!!! So I told him if it needed draining no problem. I had to stick around until 10 for the injections/meds class anyway, and figured he would call anytime. Apparently he had a big meeting and wasn't even around to ask personally then (and my blood had been ready since 7 that morning!). I assumed his latency in calling must have meant things were ok. So I proceeded to get a ride to the airport to catch my 1:10 flight. I arrived there 12:20 and still made it to the gate w/time to spare. I did want to make it home on the original plan, but was very concerned to leave the city w/o his call. Sure enough, he calls and tells me the cyst needs draining. I told him I'd be there ASAP. A catch: he wanted me to take valium/percoset for the procedure, as it can be painful. This would prohibit me from driving myself back to the airport. I told him I preferred no meds so I could drive myself... & he ok'ed it (His words: "If you want to Civil War Style it, you can.) So I grabbed the quickest rental car I could get (cheaper than a taxi- I checked!) and headed back to WH.

I had called J & we prayed. I felt such peace about everything that was happened. Not worried about getting to GA that night, not scared about the procedure, not upset. Just peace. Even the gate agent kindly switched my flight to a later one.

I got to WH and was seen immediately. They were all a little amused at my desire for no meds, but got right down to business. Dr. J told me, "You know this room!" It was the same for my hysteroscopy. He said, "I met you here." How the devil does a doctor remember when & where they met you?!?! See why I love him? I'm not a number and a chart, I'm a person. The whole thing was over in about 30 minutes and was actually not very painful, although it was much more uncomfortable modesty-wise than an ultrasound. Not too fun. Another bonus from getting the cyst aspiration: that procedure is the exact same as the IVF Retrieval! That's the only part I was nervous about on this whole IVF (everything else I've experienced before!). Now, I've experienced that too, so nothing to be nervous about. Awesome!

So I jumped up and headed back to the airport. There was a flight leaving for ATL at 3:50 and one at 7:00 - I wanted to make the 3:50, but it was 2:50 as I was leaving. I had to drive 20 minutes, get gas, return the rental car, get a shuttle, get through security (but no bags to check), and make it to the gate - AND I DID!!!! The same gate-guy who switched my flight earlier switched it this time - he even asked if everything worked out ok! I had kind people all over the place. Weather prevented the plane from leaving until 7, but I did get back to GA!

I've never EVER had just one thing after another go so smoothly and so much peace surround my spirit. I don't think a lack of problems grows my faith as much as God's provision when problems arise. (Oh if I'd not had the cyst removed, we'd be out a few hundred dollars and the IVF would have been rescheduled for January.) I know the Lord is answering prayer. I know I can be level-headed often, but last time this happened (in April, on a trip for an IUI) I was so distraught! I felt kicked around and left bruised by it all, and mostly I felt alone. This was different.

My next appointment is Tuesday. I fly back out to SAT Monday evening. I'm eager to see my ovaries' development. They started w/ Right at 10 less than 10mm and Left 14 less than 10mm.

The one bad part: Dr J called me Saturday to make sure I didn't have any bleeding or nausea from the cyst removal. He said something like, "I don't know when I'll see you again. I wish I could do your Retrieval, maybe I'll be back by then." I always feel like I shouldn't ask drs too many personal questions, so I just said "Uh-huh" rather than ask what he meant, where he'd be, or when he'd return! So I know the next 2 week's stuff won't have him involved. I felt like crying the whole day, but now I'l just ready to return and get this done. Still, perhaps he'll be there for Transfer.

Nuthin Big Goin On Here

So... I got the call and it looks like my baseline apointment will be the last week in August.
The first week in September I'll need to be in San Antonio, because I'll start my stims & be in 2-3 times for ultrasounds and blood work. Personally, I enjoy the monitoring because it gives me a feeling of control as well as an early start on the day!
Then the 3rd week of September I'll have ER & possibly ET.
What didn't make sense to me was, what do I do the 2nd week of September? I guess I'm assuming there's a possibility the end of that week could be ER, I guess it just depends on WHEN in the 1st week of Sept I actually start stims.

All you IVF pros out there: What day did you start stims (CD1? CD3?) and what day was ER? I know it's different for everyone, but I'd like a general idea! :)

For what it's worth, I ovulated last night. I never cease to think perhaps this could be our lucky month. But there's a lot less pressure for it to be, knowing IVF is just 2 cycles away. I have to send our check in early next week, and once they have it if we cancel there's a $350 administrative fee if we have to cancel the cycle (like because of pregnancy). I could live with that if it happened.

On a totally non-IF related topic, we just received the claim back from our move. We claimed damage costs of $2065.49 and we received $1200.46. It was horrendous, with items stolen and broken all over the place. 60% of our major furniture was broken in some way. It was hard not to be angry about the poor payment received. One item they denied replacing was the front of my brand-new Titanium LG Freezer. The doors got dented (1 pretty bad) and they just gave $50 in cosmetic damage. To replace just one door was $250. So I don't have warm feelings toward them at the moment. Our first move was SO GOOD I had no idea you could have such a bad one. *sigh*

Shocked, Totally Shocked!!!

Um.... I got a call today from WH.... They offered me a lot in the August 2007 IVF program!!! I somehow never heard their call and then checked my voicemail. I figured they were telling me I got bumped into the Jan cycle... I almost fell out of my chair! I quickly told her YES!!!! The first thing to attend to is $2900 by the 4th week of June. All my 12 month tests are still good, but the 6 month ones have to be repeated. So for my I have to get blood drawn to test RPR, HIV, Hep B, Hep A, Hep C. J has to get tested for all that, plus do another SA. Poor him, and I don't even know where we'll do that. I'll get it figured out when I get my big packet of info, hopefully within a week.

So I'm extremely excited and at the same time timidly scared! I mean, I figured we'd at least get in 2 more IUI's before then! IVF seems so.... invasive. So serious. At times when I've lamented being "unexplained" I've thought I'd at least know more about my eggs/body/system and it's interaction with J's sperm if we could just do IVF! But now that it's on the horizon, I feel like I kinda didn't want to be here this fast. And yet, when the choices are August 07 or April 08, I'd choose August any day. But it at least gives me a small bit of hesitancy in my joy. Plus, let's all be real with ourselves here: IVF does not guarantee a baby. So there really isn't a reason for unabandoned excitement, with every treatment cautious optimism is a good frame of mind to be in. So that's where I am. I did not want to have to attempt to conceive a baby with lots of drugs, minor surgery, anesthesia (which I'm scared of), and a petri dish. I wanted babies conceived within my body. But I haven't been given that blessing, and so I seek after what's open to me: Medical Intervetion.

I created a tag called IVF. I never saw myself getting to that point....

Month 23 of TTC Starts

So wow, here is month 23. I'm ahead of some of you, and behind a good many too. But we're all in the exact same spot - a position we little dreamed we'd be in, praying and hoping desperately to be out of.

Anyway, can I say I love my doctor in San Antonio? I do. I got in touch with him on my worries about my rising FSH. I actually felt bad about calling, so I got his email. I emailed him and I think it was 45 seconds later he called me! I was actually scared to pick up the phone, because I guess I sensed deep down that if it really were a problem, they would have caught it and told me. He basically.... well, honestly he laughed at me. Which I didn't appreciate but it was ok. He did tell me levels will fluctuate (I insisted, "But mine are only fluctutating up!"), and that mine weren't moving enough to be concerned. That just because they moved 1.3 in 8 months wouldn't mean they'd do that the next 8 months. And then he says (as he looks at my file - he had me wait as he went and got it), "You're so young!" It made me laugh. I mean, I guess if I were 21 and married a few years and TTC for 2 years without success, I could at least understand him saying that. But I'm closer to 30 that I am 20. 26. That's more than halfway. Anyway, you may wonder why I like him so much when it doesn't sound like he took me serious. But I feel like he's always listened and has a good track record with me. Plus, WH has really good results on how good their doctors/residents, IVF success rates, etc are. The doctor did his residency at a very prestigous clinic for pete's sake! So, though I didn't appreciate that he didn't at least seem concerned, I do believe he has the medical knowledge and I don't. When I was all worried about the radiologists report on my HSG (which he & another RE disagreed with), they still let me do a hysteroscopy to make sure it was ok. So I feel they do listen when there's room for doubt.

Plus, we started talking about my next visit doing another Clomid/Gonal-f combined treatment just like last time. I asked about going straight to just Gonal-f and he explained reasons they'd want another combined cycle or 2. Then he went on to tell me that IF I did an only Gonal-f cycle, I should at least try do it in when the clinic is doing IVF because then there'd be a possibility of converting to an IVF if I had too many follicles, rather than just canceling me, since that IVF cycle would be only bumping me up one cycle. then he suggested since all my tests expire in August, I need to go ahead if I come in July/Aug to get them repeated when I'm already in town so that when my IVF time comes around, I'll have it all done. That probably saved me a whole trip to San Antonio! His forethought is so apprecaited! Anyway, he's really what's made me not hate WH. I definitely used to.

I did call Womack this Thursday to check on the referral, since my MTF just kept telling me they'd sent it and not to expect news this soon. Sure enough, Womack never received it! The nurse kindly told me to give my MTF the exact fax and try again, but that she'd talk to the doctor anyway about if/when I could do treatments there. I'd welcome a sooner IVF date or a few IUI's, it'd be much closer than WH. We could theoretically do one this month, if Womack said so. It's a 6 hour drive, or for J just a few hour flight (he'd fly himself). I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'd LOVE an IUI this month. Plus I just love Gonal-f shots! It actually feels like I'm doing something helpful.

That's all my news. We'll see what this week holds in store. Because my brother visited here this weekend, I was too busy visiting, cooking, and being happy to even care that my cycle started. :)

Waiting for the Phone Call

I'm a little annoyed at WH for not returning my call yesterday. They only have an answering service, not a direct way to reach them. Supposedly if you leave a message before 1530 they'll call you that day. Whatever. All I want is the referral to Womack. If I don't hear anything by this afternoon, I'll just call my PCM here and see what they can do. I guess I just know they'll tell me I need an appointment, which just seems unnecessary. I've been TTC for 22 months, and had 8 months of failed infertility treatments (well, 5 total, the 8 includes the breaks). When I got my referral to WH, all the doctor did was ask a few questions. Anyway, I'm obviously not in a terrible hurry since this month is off (medically speaking), but the sooner things are on their way with Womack, the sooner I may get on their IVF list. I don't want to bug their nurse with asking how long the list is, until my referral actually has gone through. I know WH won't even talk to you if your referral isn't through.