IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3

My newest update contains info from yesterday's appt. Today I started Ganirilex. I get seen again Sunday, and J comes in tomorrow. We were finally able to get him cleared to miss a week's worth of training (if needed). That was a huge relief. A ticket was a little under $500, but at first they looked to be $700+, so that sound not too bad. So, now, I am measuring:

Thursday Scan, Day 7 on meds (scans before 7th dose)
Left: 5 at 10mm, 3 at 11mm, 2 at 12mm, 4 less than 10mm (14 total)
Right: 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 1 at 10mm, few less than 10mm (4+ total)
Lining: 12.1

Stupid right ovary. Seriously, it upsets me how much different they are in production. Perhaps when we go in Sunday that'll be trigger day. If it isn't, I'll come in Monday & every day until the time, I think. Retrieval is 36 hours after trigger, I think.

Yesterday was a tough day emotionally and physically. The waiting and being without J has been tough. Not having a doctor who even cares about you is tough. Being told you'll get called back & not is tough. And waking up at 4am to get a decent nubmer at the clinic sucks. I wake up multiple times at night, afraid I've missed my alarm. I hate it. I picked up 2 dozen Krispy Kremes and took them to my appt Thursday, as a goodwill gesture. It made me feel good about myself even if the service there is crappy. I got about 2 1/2 minutes w/the doctor, enough for him to measure the follies & give me ganirelix. He said he didn't know what time the doc would do Sunday scans, so I'd get a call. Over 19 hours later, NO CALL. I left a message. Why is my favorite doc TDY?!?!??! I wish I were in Group 3 so I'd have him somtimes, since he comes back next week (I'm in group 2. Group 3 just had baseline yesterday). Oh well though!

In addition to that, the dear friend I'm staying with here went through 4 years of IF, conceived her 2 yr old on IVF, and was waiting to do a FET til next spring. She got preg outta the blue, 9 wks ago. Went in to date the baby's age, was told it was 6 wks old. Next few weeks had terribly hyper-emesis, went to hospital for fluids, etc. Last weekend (between my 2 trips out) she started spotting/cramping. Went in Tuesday (while I'm at WH) for ultrasound. I got home 1st, she walks in crying, "We lost the baby." Devastating! I hurt so bad for her!!! She had the D&C the next day (missed miscarriage), but after what IF takes you though, then to get preg & lose it like that - so hard to take! She is handling it wonderfully, trusting in God's grace. But it leaves me scared of getting preg with possibilities like that! I already see myself crazily needing doubling betas and ultrasounds every week.... Worrying. And I don't want to.

IN ADDITION, today my sister called crying b/c someone very close to us (can't tell who) has been addicted to cocaine & binging on alcohol & spent ALL of someone else's life savings (half a million!). Someone who they trusted. Everyone did. I can't even convey how NOT like this person this is. They were stable, reliable, Godly, etc. I've been crying off/on all day, going between anger, hurt, questioning, numbness. My parents will take on 100% of fixing all this, financially/physically/otherwise. My mom is inconsolable. There's so much to fix (like letting insurance lapse for months!). It's heartbreaking. I want to throw up as I write this. So, we grieve. And yet I can't even be near those I love to get or give an actual hug.

What a week. IVF pales in comparison to these things, but I am living in it right now, so I push forward. But this all feels so wrong. When someone you trust hurts you so bad, you feel like you can't trust anyone. And you feel like where is God. I know a lot of answers, so I don't exactly need them (my husband tried to comfort me with "wise words" and I ended up feeling resentful he wouldn't just cry with me). But we're so far down in this well I can't even see daylight. Please invervene, Lord. A lot of questions remain unanswered. J says I don't need answers. So I keep praying... a lot.