Monday, December 3, 2007

Back! And Back to Updating!

Well, I have finally experienced something many of your talk about. I cried at a pregnancy announcement that was in front of my face. I've actually been able to avoid this so far, receiving announcements via email, phone, or blog, so I've had my own sweet time (or been able to hide my face) if I struggled. Ah, but last night I was caught unawares. Let's get some background.

I love our Life Group. To understand what that is, it's basically a group of about 5-8 couples, of various ages and stages of life, that meet once a week for a meal, fellowship, a Bible/book study, and prayer. Our church encourages you to join one so that you don't get "lost" in the big church as a whole. It is helpful for discipleship, for friendships, and for true help in need. We have had great ones in our previous churches in Charlotte and San Antonio, and were so happy to find one here in Georgia.

Our LG does happen to have 3-4 couples with kids already. It also has 4 couples with no kids (we are included in that figure). I knew one of them was trying and going in for an IUI b/c of previous chemo treatments on the husband. I prepared myself that they may announce a pregnancy soon and I really wanted to be happy, b/c they've been married 4 yrs and really want this, and um, if anyone's had to go thru chemo they deserve not to have other medical trials! Plus, c'mon, an IUI is not nothing when you're new to IF. It may seem non-invasive to a veteraned IVF'er, but I still remember the lack of privacy it introduces to what should be a lovely intimate time between a husband and wife. Anyway, they actually didn't show up. Another couple who joined more recently, been married 8 months, came. I met the wife at a baby shower and when she asked if I had any kids, I truthfully said I'd miscarried our baby a week before. She shared they'd been trying 6 mos, and at her annual the week before she asked her dr was she doing something wrong. The dr recommended OPK's, but she really didn't know how many to buy, etc. I told her I'd recommend her reading TCOYF, b/c she seemed to know nothing about her body. I guess I assumed it'd still take a while.

So at LG last night, all 4 of the ladies & me were sitting down to dinner and this girl then asks the new momma, my friend Kristy, about caffiene consumption and makes a comment about not knowing what she should eat or not eat, etc. And then I knew. She was avoiding saying she was pregnant (& we had talked one-on-one before LG & she did tell me what was new in her life was she got a job). So of course, knowing the reason she didn't tell the whole table was b/c of me, I just said, "Are you pregnant" and gave her a warm smile and congrats & asked the due date. Of course I'd already cried twice that day, feeling so down and sad for my dead baby and our lack of options for treatment. So tears were already just seconds away anyway. I choked them back, but I was bottle-feeding the 2-week old and couldn't just leave. The entire remaining 20 minues at the table was about ob's, deliveries, etc. I felt suffocated. I tried to burp the baby so I could give it back to its mom and go someplace quiet before I made a fool of myself. But in the midst of the stories, Joy (has 2 live kids, but had miscarried her 2nd child) shared about her 5 yr old son's delivery. She already had a girl by c-section and wanted to do a VBAC. After 25 hours of labor she asked for an epidural and then 2 hours later got the most excrutiating pain she ever had experienced. Her dr came over and then rushed her to the OR. Without even asking if she was numb (though she was), she saw him slash her stomach and pull her son out. Her uterus had ruptured and they had only minutes before her and her son's life were possibly lost. SUCH a sad story and yet redeeming. I immediately knew a ruptured uterus meant no more kids, and so I start weeping (silently) as she shared this. And she did mention that in the weeks of recovery she held her son extra close, knowing it was her last. She & her husband had wanted more. Anyway, yes the story was a sad one, but I think the proportion of my tears wasn't quite right for it, so I finally returned the baby and went to "get a drink." I found the laundry room and huddled in the corner, crying out bitter tears of pain. I felt a knife had been pushed in me when we lost our baby, and it remains, and certain things twist and grind it in even more. I held this woman no grudge, I am GLAD she doesn't have to experience IF and losing a child. But I am dumbfounded why I again and again must be tried and found wanting. I thought it a merciful thing that though I started TTC before all my Charlotte friends, we moved before they all started trying (and succeeded their 1st month), so that I didn't have to live with my failure in the face of their success.

Anyway, I tried to compose myself eventually, but I know after crying that w/o makeup you can't really hide it well. So I didn't rejoin the women but went to watch the Steelers vs Bengals. And Joy, bless her heart, came up to me and said, "Have I shown you my daughter's redecorated room? Come see!" I knew, without a doubt, she knew I was in pain from the conversation and she was purposely distracting me and removing me from it. I almost wanted to thank her for it, but every time I tried to, I got too choked up. I figure it's just as uncomfortable to be the preson trying to be sensitive, so I knew I didn't need to mention it at the time. But I felt so grateful for her. Something about the pain she's had herself makes her more attune to others' pain. I so want to be that woman: looking not to myself buy looking out for others.

Of course, on the way home, J asked me how I felt about it. And I spewed out all my frustration, hurt, etc. And you know what? He felt the same way. Bitter, angry, frustrated. He told me, "I don't know why I'm so slow on the uptake, but I finally understand how you have felt over all our friends' pregnancy announcemnts." (Every time before, he didn't "get" why I was hurt at their pregnancies - he thought if they were my friends, I should be glad and that should be the end of it.) It feels so good to at least be in unity, even though it manifests itself differently in each of us. He tends to want to ignore it and get fed up, whereas I just want to try all the harder. So there are still plenty of things to talk about, but at least emotionally we connect on that level. He was super sensitive toward me and while I cried he energetically did the dishes (I think it was pent up frustration!). No matter what, I am grateful to have this kind, wise, and gentle husband by my side through such a hard trial.

So I'm back and will post more often. The RE appt went ok, but basically I was told IVF is our best option, since IUIs haven't worked yet. IVF w/them is 11K plus meds. Can't do that, it's the cost of two at WH. IUI is 1K plus meds (which I need little of & have a little leftover from IVF). We're just praying and considering Dec/Jan, but we may just stay put and wait, or we may not even have dates that work. I have a hard time thinking if I pray I'll get an answer, but all the same, I pray for wisdom. I think my husband will get a clear yes or no, and I want to abide by that, as hard as it may be. More later!


Searching said...

Oh, I am SO SORRY! That sounds so awfully heart breaking. I must still be emotional from last night, but your post has tears streaming down my face for you. I'm so, so sorry. Sending you some massive bear hugs.

Thanks so much for thinking of me last night and our "big talk." I guess it could have been worse. I'm still wearing a wedding ring.

Thinking of you today.

Meg said...

Welcome back, you have been missed. I think your experience resonates with a lot of us and I am thankful you had a friend with the awareness she did....I think that awareness is something we have all gained through all this muck.

Carrie said...

I'm sorry you had such a bad time. It is just too much to take sometimes. You're right about your friend and we all gain empathy from our experiences but it doesn't make them easier to cope with.
As for your husband, it was the same with me. It took him a long time to realise how other people's pregnancies could hurt me. He did eventually but that hurts too. Now I realise he's suffering too.

I'm glad you're back. It's a small consolation but having a place to go helps. Take care xx

gracechild said...

wow! sounds like one of those emotionally loaded days.At a time like this, we can still thank God for sensitive people who may not fully understand what we're going through, but do their best to share the burden. Joy sounds like one of those

andrea_jennine said...

What a swirl of emotions! I'm sorry you had such a hard evening, but I'm so glad you had a sensitive friend there and a time of unity with your husband afterwards.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you had such a hard evening, but I'm glad someone there recognized that and went out of her way to give you a little support. Those little gestures always mean so much.

Elaine said...

I hope you are feeling better today! My heart aches for you--how many times that we've been there. Doesn't make it any easier, but your post brought tears to my eyes. I hope today was better.

Sunny said...

My heart is heavy for you. I have been there, not able to breath, wanting to crawl in a whole, wanting to run. HUGS!

Loren said...

Moments like these didn't find me until I miscarried. I never cried over a PG announcement until I had lost mine. This is a very sensitive time for you..thankfully, you seem to be surrounded by people that are aware of your feelings.
I understand, and I am here to tell you (now in my 4th cycle post mc) that it gets easier with time! It sucks, but hope comes crawling back.
At least with your "unexplained" status, you can be hopeful with each month, right? Are you ovulating regularly?