Monday, December 17, 2007

All Quiet on the IF Front

Well.... after my last post I don't have anything else to add. Except that sometime around Wednesday/Thursday there was a turning point in my spirit (mind, will, emotions). I had the grace necessary for each day. I had the grace to smile and laugh and my spirit wasn't weighed down anymore. I call it a spiritual breakthrough. It's nothing I did differently than any other day. I think I just had to persist and wait for it. I think God will offer us grace, but then we have to receive it. I can be so caught up in my own pain that I don't see it or don't want it when it's there. There is a fine line between being genuinely discouraged and then having an opportunity for release from it - and refusing to take it. A funny situation that occurs and gives you impulse to smile or laugh (when you haven't in days). An offer of kindness by a husband or friend (Starbucks, Target shopping) that is turned down because if you leave home people might forget you're sad (and yet you do want to go). Maybe just a feeling that life isn't so bad, and yet inside you are afraid of life without the pain, so you deny that feeling. Whatever it is, I know the moment I have the choice to make. I know when I'm refusing to partake of the grace offered to me. This time, I didn't refuse.

In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."

I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.

So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).


andrea_jennine said...

I pray that your expectancy is met with even more grace!

Ally said...

I am glad you are feeling and accepting some grace to help you through the difficult moments right now. :) It is so hard to let go but, when you do, it is such a relief. I wish you continued grace and quiet moments in your heart and head.

Searching said...

I'm glad you are experiencing some peace and maybe even some joy in life. I love that paragraph from the book. Thanks for sharing!

Laura said...

I am going to have to get Polishing God's Monuments, it sounds like a great book! I am so glad you had a spiritual breakthrough! Grace is something I struggle with – especially this time of year when I keep getting Christmas cards telling the good news of another pregnancy/birth.

By the way, I got your tag a few weeks ago – and wanted to let you know I am not ignoring you! :) I promise I will get to it as soon as the year-end madness at work is over.

Katie said...

Grace is difficult to sustain. I pray it comes easily to you in the coming days.

Maria said...

The quote you posted is very moving. I haven't experienced a miscarriage, but I feel like being infertile, is like experiencing a loss. Every cycle, when I get another bfn, I feel as though someone I love has died. Because in my heart, I was in love with the baby that could have been. I'm not really sure if that makes sense.

I'm glad you are experiencing grace during your difficult times.

PS Thanks so much for the info on IVF/Acu!!! Definitely food for thought.

Adriane said...

I just loved this post. I may have to read the book you mentioned. So very happy for your spiritual breakthrough!

Anonymous said...

Just curious what branch of the military? My hubby is Air Force and we are stationed in NM.

Sorry your husband is deployed.

Bside- Kenya said...

Wow I really needed to stumble onto your post. It was so..relieving. Thanks for that. Sometimes, you forget about prayer, grace, and faith. Thank you.

I'm new to blogging but I hope that I can also be their for you for virtual hugs and opinions. I have secondary

IF AND I'm at
Enjoy your holiday.

Ann said...

As I have sought out additional blogs about loss to add to my blogroll over the past couple of months, I have been saddened to see so much bitterness and lack of hope in the blogosphere. It truly heartens me to read your words. I'm glad there is somebody out there who feels as I do--that things are bad, but there is a bit of hope and grace for the future, too.