Different

So... Saturday my body was giving me all the signs of beginning a new cycle. This usually includes an acute lower back pain, slight skin breakout (seriously, this time it was ONE bit of acne, but since impending period or ovulation are the only thing I've ever pinpointed to bring this on, well...), and negative HPTs. I'd taken 3 this month, each stark white. Of course, looking at them I knew they had evap lines, but still, we all hope maybe we're just not seeing that pink line but it's really there. But from my one pregnancy, I know that once you see the line, you know. No ambiguity. My first positive that month was at 10dp3dt (i.e. 13 dpo) so I rarely bother with testing very early anymore.

Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.

So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.

And that's all I have to say today.