Thursday, January 3, 2008

13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom

The hoildays were actually extremely wonderful. Acutally, I've discovered there's nothing like not being home to talke my mind away from how different our life is from what I'd like it to be. Being away, surrounded by the bustle of family, in-laws, nieces, and a constant stream of friends coming and going, it's so easy to just live in the moment and have fun. It's easy to forget, because it's so busy... But then, coming home to a house with just 2 of us, where I work in a home-office, and once again having about 8 hours alone-time a day as I work, then preparing dinners and cleaning and doing laundry in solitude, gives me TOO MUCH time to think. Too much time to realize how quiet and empty our home is. Too much time to get discouraged. It's just true.

However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.

This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.

Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.

So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.

And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.


andrea_jennine said...

You are not the most abnormal woman on the planet! Cry when you need to cry, and keep speaking those words of life and truth to yourself.

Samantha said...

I am sorry. I would cry over both too.

Ally said...

I wish I had the words to say that would make you feel better. All I can say is that I understand.

You're not alone, even though it is so easy to feel that way. You're not abnormal, not at all! Defintely cry when you need to and take care of yourself in whatever way is best for you. Keep speaking those words of life to yourself; keep speaking your words of truth.

It can be so hard to go on faith alone sometimes. Know that we are here to share your burden and hope for you when you feel unable to do so. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

We are on the same cycle. Today is 13 dpo for me as well and I am expected to start my period tomorrow. I just turned 30 in November and next month will be 24 months of TTC. All of my friends have conceived easily, some without even trying at all. I feel all of the pain and feelings that you have expressed. It is a terrible thing to go through and I am like you in that I don't know a single person that has not been able to conceive after TTC. Sometimes you really feel like an outsider, but it will happen for you. Don't lose your spirit in all of this know matter what.

Malloryn said...

You are definitely not abnormal, and you are not alone. Do whatever you can to express your feelings, and just know that we are hear to listen.

All of my RL friends and acquaintances have no problems getting or staying pregnant. It is so hard not to be part of that club... to share their stories and knowing looks. I look forward to the day when upon learning that a friend is expecting, my first reaction is joy rather than envy.


K said...

I am sorry. I know how hard it is when someone has the due date (or right around it) that you had. For me, those dates sort of "belonged" to me. I knew that was silly, that of course others were going to have babies on those days, but I really got upset when I met someone due on or around one my MY dates.

My next door neighbor had the exact same due date as I had with Gummy Bear. For the most part, I was okay with it once it was over, but sometimes even NOW, I look at her son and think, "MY baby should be that age."

It's so, so tough.

Sorry about the BFN.

Maria said...

I'm so sorry about your bfn. No matter how many times we see one they never get any easier. I, too, am the only one out of many of my friends and acquaintances that can't get pregnant. And it sucks. Thank god there's the internet. Otherwise I don't know what I'd do.

Know that I'm thinking about you.

Adriane said...

So sorry to hear about your BFN. Nothing helps, as we all know.

I'm sure it was terribly difficult to hear about the friend that is at 17 weeks. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Debby said...

Oh there is so nothing worse than people with your due date. That has happened to me too many times. On the due date of my angel from m/c # 3 I ironically enough had 2 cousins due on the same EXACT date. Seriously...who does that happen to?

I'm sorry for lack of support in "real" life and hope that those of use here in blogworld can help comfort you some and wrap our virtual arms around you...even if we can't be physically there with you to give you a hug.

Lea Bee said...

thank you for posting on my blog. i'm so sorry about the bfn. big big hugs. you are right: i am at WR, and i have never been so harrased about having a chaperone in my whole life.

i had a loss from iui+clomid where the due date would have been this month...and those kind of anniversaries just hurt so much.

best of luck to you.

gracechild said...

i don't know what to say. i wish I could give you a hug right now. Stay hopeful & remember the mothers of Isaac, Samuel, Samson & John the Baptist waited a while for their little heros & their faith was credited to them as righteousness.


i am so sorry 2008 has started with bad news. i am hopeful that this year is going to end on a great note for you. i think your positive outlook will definitely bring great things!

Glenna Marshall said...

I let hope come crashing in last cycle. We dreamed and imagined, strolled through the baby aisle, and let ourselves hope that we were pregnant. Then I started, and I mourned like never before. After 4 years, you'd think I know better than to let myself hope like that.

Where is the line between having just enough hope to scrape by without losing hope altogether and yet not having so much hope that I'm devastated every month?? I wish I knew.

Praying for you.

Searching said...

I'm so sorry. :( Sorry too about the pregnant woman. I missed you and am glad you posted although I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. It's okay though, feel what you need to. I like your idea of hopefulness although I will be honest and tell you there are plenty of days I have a handful of 4-letter words to scream at hope. But perhaps I will give it a try at least. Good luck to you and glad to see you back. You are in my prayers.

Loren said...

Those feelings of inadequacy of being a women are far from abnormal, unfortunately. It's hard not to feel like an outsider of your own gender when you are having a hard time doing what females are supposed to do.
We are all here for you, and even though we aren't your friends in "real life"...we are real.You are not alone.
I hope AF doesn't find you. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky post miscarriage fertiles. *hugs*

Ann said...

"Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility?" Those words ring so true with me. Of course, I haven't had a chance with the IF part yet, but just the fact that I can't try yet and I don't yet have a child is enough to make me sad. You are so in touch with your feelings, and that is soooo wonderful.

Carrie said...

It is so hard to battle on when other seem to achieve so easily. It isn't at all fair and I'm sorry you're hurting xx

You have every right to cry.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I am praying for you.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry... I know this feeling veru well. Sometimes I did not know if I was crying because my m/c or the IF... I guess it is all one big pain. I hope that ike with me , you can get your BFP soon and your heart can be heal


Meg said...

So sorry about everything you are describing. I too talked to both of my little ones during my pregnancies and even though neither stayed put, I would repeat everything I did in a heartbeat. It feel natural to remain hopeful and positive.

The woman who was due the exact same day as my #1 just had her baby boy this weekend. It hurts but then we need to move forward.

You are amazingly strong and you may just be in an entirely different place in June. Keep your thoughts positive and your chin up.

Each AF is a sign that another chance is on its way.