Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Little Sad Story

Today I was running errands... and I went by the hospital to pick up my images from the HSG a few weeks ago. I went to the records division and thought I could get it there. They directed me to radiology. I explained I wanted my images. She prompts, "Do you want January's as well as October's?" I almost told her I didn't have any from October... but I took a few seconds to think and recalled what it could have been... Ah, the post-miscarriage ultrasound. I said yes. Afterall, more data is always better. But it stung to be reminded when I wasn't thinking of it at all.

Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.

I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...

More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.

And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).


Bside- Kenya said...

Oh so sorry to hear that! So sorry. Wish I knew what to say. Just know that we're all the 1 out of 10 and hopefully for not much longer. HUGS- Kenya

andrea_jennine said...

I'm sorry for this brush with sadness. Hang in there, and remember that you are not alone even when you are the lone representative of infertility. Your blog friends are with you in spirit, and your Savior is with you in Spirit.

Maria said...

Sometimes these little reminders that sneak up on us are the hardest. They're so unexpected that we feel vulnerable. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.

Samantha said...

It's funny how sometimes we can go around not thinking of our sorrow, but then it unexpectedly appears before us, when we're least expected it.

Someday I'm going to get my haircut too!

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry you had a tough time. ::hugs::

You're not an odd ball in these circles... sadly, there seem to be more and more folks joining the 1 in 10 ranks each day.

Searching said...

I'm sorry for how you feel. :(

Good for you for getting your split ends chopped off, although 3 inches is so much to have hacked off at once. (Also a long haired person who hates having it trimmed/cut. I almost cried when 13in were chopped off last year).

Sending you loads of hugs.

Julie and Greg said...

oh sweetie I am so sorry you had to run in to so many reminders. I lost our baby in October 2006 and still have my days of sadness. I just got a lab bill from August of 2006. I think those reminders have their ways of popping up when you think you have actually put it out of your mind for a second! good for you on the hair! i always feel better with a fresh cut!

Katie said...

I hate returning to the "scene of the crime" - what I call the room where we found out that Gummy Bear had died. But unfortunately, we were at my OB's office and I had to go back for my post-miscarriage checkup as well as for one of my appointments for this pregnancy. That room gives me the chills.

I know that it is just a room. I keep telling myself that the baby isn't there. But I still hate that room.