Mine has been.... exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I feel SO worn out on the emotional level. I have had two days where I was almost a normal person again. Yeah I cried, but for the most part I was happy, singing, making dinner, and all that sort of stuff. And I've had days I didn't even want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be in a dark corner by myself to cry, or in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a good book to get lost in. I have tried to let in my feelings rather that fighting them. For a while I kept a running dialogue with myself of "Maybe I won't cry today." that I always ended up breaking. I finally realized it doesn't matter how many days in a row I cry. I will heal in my own time.
Now, as far as the RE, I got an appt Nov 26th. Good and fine. I AM going to ask for karyotyping on my husband and I. Insurance will cover it if it's deemed necessary by the doctor. I'd rather the dr get it ordered for me to draw on base for 2 reasons. 1. My husband can't make it to the appt and I don't want to drive 2 hours just for him to give blood another day and 2. Blood draws on base stay in the military's system "forever"and any base in the world can access them. Whereas if the clinic draws them, I have to carry around my sheet/file and it is only a "hard" copy but never in the computer. I can probably ask for some of this. I will also ask for blood clotting panel, and antibodies if they do it. I've always wanted a post-coital exam, too, which I think this clinic does. Basically I want to put to rest the idea that maybe my body kills my husband's sperm! Because IF it did, I'd want to know that IUIs and IVF are our only/best option. I need to know if TTC on our own is even worth it. Because....
Something awful in my medical records. Awful for me anyway. My FSH is on the rise. Oh yes, remember when I posted my concerns here in May? Well, they are now, on CD3 a 9.5 (August, pre IVF and pre BCPs)!!! Yes. And over 10 is considered high. As in, some clinics won't even let you do Shared Risk IVF with that level. I was floored, angry, and felt like when we had ENOUGH trials, here was another thing being thrown our way. Already we can't cycle much living 1000 miles from WH, and only 3 IVF cycles a year PLUS J's deployments keep us from doing IVF that often. And now to know we may have the clock against us too??? So hurtful!!!
Now, of course, I researched this out because I have a partly OPPOSITE profile of a high FSHer. High FSH is usually accompanied by low antral follicle count (viewed by ultrasound on CD3). My antral follicle count has only been done twice. It was 11+ back in November 06 and 20 when we started IVF in September. High FSHers are also hard to stimulate with drugs. I respond well to everything they give me. For IVF, they started me on their lowest dose of Follistim alone for IVF cycles (150iu) and by 4 days they decreased my dosage to 125, last day took 37.5. I was on stims for 10 days - the "perfect" amount. Had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. The CCCT is suppose to be indicative of ovarian reserve by how well you respond to it. For the CCCT, my FSH on CD3 was 6.6, on CD10 it was 7.4. I think they like to see CD10 FSH the same or lower than CD3, but not sure. They basically don't want either level elevated. But from reading it seems like it's better for CD10 to be lower. Does anyone else have their CCCT CD #'s?
Anyway, I feel I have some bad data points against me. And it just gives me knots in my stomach to think that we've got even more against us than I thought. It wasn't suppose to be this hard!!!!
So, I know I can't do anything about this. I figured when I have my appt in Nov I'll ask that dr. I'll ask WH again, whenever I get there. I keep wondering if the drugs have brought this on or if it would have happened anyway. I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway.
If we ARE told we only have a little time left to TTC with good success, we may just do Shared Risk w/ an RE in Atlanta (forget insurance). That's why we need answers. It won't do any good saving money for WH if we've wasted precious time.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Searching Out the "Why"
Today, I noticed online that my insurance had received claims on my 10/13 ER visit. I figured if claims were submitted, then whatever was done with the tissue from the miscarriage had been taken care of. Either it was tested or not.
So I called the hospital. "Yes, you have a report from pathology that you can come by and sign a medical release form for." So, scared and relieved, I headed out the door immediately. I didn't know how to feel. Would we have an answer? I kept telling myself there may have not been enough tissue to test (although there looked like a complete, 6 week embryo there, seriously). Just like this (warning, it is rather graphic.).
Got to the hopsital, got the report. Irritating. Basically said, "Sectioning through the fragments reveal no obvious fetal parts or placental parenchyma." Bleh. The specimen was saved in formalin and reviewed on Monday morning, as it was about 31 hours old. Theoretically should have been fine. Honestly, the hospital here is NOT advanced at all. In the sticks. Behind the times.
Now thinking about it, I think all they were trying to do was histopathology (confirm that indeed there was a pregnancy). Which they can't even get right! Terribly frustrating, as if someone is trying to tell me I wasn't pregnant based on those remains. The dr on call even removed the placental tissue after the miscarriage as I was examined. Anyway, so it didn't help, but at least if it happens again I will say "I want a karyotyping - count the chromosomes! You have to send this off somewhere, but do it!" Of course, I'm concerned about them getting my tissue in there & testing that instead of the baby's if that happened. Don't know how to go about that. Maybe I'll never have to worry?
Now, here's something to go over. My husband's mom has had EIGHT miscarriages (3 miscarriages, 2 kids, 2 miscarraiges, 3 kids, 3 miscarraiges, 1 kid). Six live children, the last when she was 41 has Down Syndrome. She says the Downs is Trisomy 21 (94% of cases), not mosaicism or translocation (i.e. not genetic or hereditary). But you see, all this bothers me. J's mom: 8 miscarriages & a DS baby. J&me: infertility & a miscarraige. I want to get tested for balanced translocations. It's possible his mom or dad have a blanced translocation and the miscarried babies were unbalanced. Of course, I guess the DS doesn't support this anymore, but still. His mom did tell me they thought maybe her miscarriages were from low progesterone (but she never pursued shots - which I don't get after miscarrying so many times I'd go to hell and back to try to prevent it). She lost all between 8-11 weeks (with 1-13 weeker in there). Um, thoughts, you with experience? That seems late to lose from progesterone problems. My reading says if you have low progesterone, if you don't start taking it from the time of ovulation, it won't help. You have to start at conception. Am I right?????
I got the referral to a "local" RE (i.e. 94 miles away, which sucks b/c if it were 100 miles, insurance would COVER gas charges!). Can't get them to pick up their phone or return messages, but it's my ONLY choice. I at least want testing for that, clotting disorder, antibodies, if I can. Plus further testing on "unexplained" that WH won't do since they only do real basic stuff. We'll see. I don't like the clinic b/c it's so small (1 dr), but I'll take it over nothing. And apparently that's my choice.
I don't really feel like getting into my feelings. Today has been really good though. I cried, but not a sorry-for-myself or depressed cry. Just sad. I guess I like having something to work towards. Back on the TTC wagon. Oops, it's dark and husband will be returning from hunting. Must go fix dinner. More later.
So I called the hospital. "Yes, you have a report from pathology that you can come by and sign a medical release form for." So, scared and relieved, I headed out the door immediately. I didn't know how to feel. Would we have an answer? I kept telling myself there may have not been enough tissue to test (although there looked like a complete, 6 week embryo there, seriously). Just like this (warning, it is rather graphic.).
Got to the hopsital, got the report. Irritating. Basically said, "Sectioning through the fragments reveal no obvious fetal parts or placental parenchyma." Bleh. The specimen was saved in formalin and reviewed on Monday morning, as it was about 31 hours old. Theoretically should have been fine. Honestly, the hospital here is NOT advanced at all. In the sticks. Behind the times.
Now thinking about it, I think all they were trying to do was histopathology (confirm that indeed there was a pregnancy). Which they can't even get right! Terribly frustrating, as if someone is trying to tell me I wasn't pregnant based on those remains. The dr on call even removed the placental tissue after the miscarriage as I was examined. Anyway, so it didn't help, but at least if it happens again I will say "I want a karyotyping - count the chromosomes! You have to send this off somewhere, but do it!" Of course, I'm concerned about them getting my tissue in there & testing that instead of the baby's if that happened. Don't know how to go about that. Maybe I'll never have to worry?
Now, here's something to go over. My husband's mom has had EIGHT miscarriages (3 miscarriages, 2 kids, 2 miscarraiges, 3 kids, 3 miscarraiges, 1 kid). Six live children, the last when she was 41 has Down Syndrome. She says the Downs is Trisomy 21 (94% of cases), not mosaicism or translocation (i.e. not genetic or hereditary). But you see, all this bothers me. J's mom: 8 miscarriages & a DS baby. J&me: infertility & a miscarraige. I want to get tested for balanced translocations. It's possible his mom or dad have a blanced translocation and the miscarried babies were unbalanced. Of course, I guess the DS doesn't support this anymore, but still. His mom did tell me they thought maybe her miscarriages were from low progesterone (but she never pursued shots - which I don't get after miscarrying so many times I'd go to hell and back to try to prevent it). She lost all between 8-11 weeks (with 1-13 weeker in there). Um, thoughts, you with experience? That seems late to lose from progesterone problems. My reading says if you have low progesterone, if you don't start taking it from the time of ovulation, it won't help. You have to start at conception. Am I right?????
I got the referral to a "local" RE (i.e. 94 miles away, which sucks b/c if it were 100 miles, insurance would COVER gas charges!). Can't get them to pick up their phone or return messages, but it's my ONLY choice. I at least want testing for that, clotting disorder, antibodies, if I can. Plus further testing on "unexplained" that WH won't do since they only do real basic stuff. We'll see. I don't like the clinic b/c it's so small (1 dr), but I'll take it over nothing. And apparently that's my choice.
I don't really feel like getting into my feelings. Today has been really good though. I cried, but not a sorry-for-myself or depressed cry. Just sad. I guess I like having something to work towards. Back on the TTC wagon. Oops, it's dark and husband will be returning from hunting. Must go fix dinner. More later.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Google Searches - Answers Here!
I always get such fun out of looking at how people find my blog. Some searches are interesting, some downright funny, some cause me to cringe with the innocence of the searcher, and some make me want to cry. In honor of the searchers who've found my blog but maybe didn't get quick answers, look not further here are some good ones.
1. is ganirelix a hsg trigger shot? - No it's not. Galirilex is a GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone) antagon. GnRH is produced by your hypothalamus, and if I understand correctly, as estrogen increases from the multiple eggs maturing, the hypothalaums produces GnRH to tell your body decrease FSH production ("Don't work so hard at maturing eggs, we have enough!). Ganirilex supresses the GnRH from signaling so that in IVF all the possible eggs will be fully mature. It's only taken the last few days of FSH shots (Follistim, Gonal-f), as that's when it's needed to supress GnRH. You trigger shot will come probably on your last day of stimulating drugs and will be pure or recombinant HCG (Ovidrel, Novarel, Pregnyl). Y our dose will probably be 5000 or 10,000 units intramuscularly.
2. 4 dpo what to expect now and 4 dpo symptoms - None. Or rather, none related to pregnancy. You don't get pregnant quite that early, although you could have a fertilized embryo in there, it wouldn't have implanted, thus you'd have no HCG in your blood, thus no reason for symptoms. You will have progesterone in your body from the ovulated egg(s)' corpus luteus, though, which reaks havoc on the hormones. Don't drive yourself crazy looking at every symptom.
3. 5 weeks pregnant after ivf did anyone had ultrasound scan - I wish! Next time I want one 5-6 weeks in. My first cramp was at 5w2d and I wonder if our baby died that day. Multiple ob's wouldn't see me until 7 weeks and I miscarried at 6w4d. I won't wait that long again. Everyone is different, but if you have a reason to get seen before, try to use it. Otherwise, you probably just have to wait.
4. blog for hysteroscopy - Well, my blog only has one entry for this, but it was a really good experience for me. I've often been so glad with "unexplained" that I KNOW I don't have things in my uterus keeping babies from implanting. You often wonder with BFN after BFN. Ask any questions if you want.
5. can a positive hpt 9 days after embryo transfer be reliable? - Well, if you didn't test the trigger out of your system, I wouldn't rely on it. 10,000 units can stay in your body up to 10 days, I think. Keep testing, and if the lines get darker, you're pregnant! :)
6. can the guy have morning sickness - Unless you gave him a HCG shot, no. *snickers*
7. clomid iui trigger triplets - Congratulations and yet, I'm sorry, because I know the risks. Be glad you're not like Suz who got quads on unmonitored Clomid and nothing else! Unmonitored clomid is scary.
8. do you still feel morning sickness if you have already lost the embryo - First off, I am so sorry you even had reason to search for this. I hope you were only worried of losing the embryo but it didn't occur. If the embryo has left your body, I don't think you can still have it, although a miscarriage can wreak havoc with your hormones and emotions. *sigh* But if you haven't miscarrried the baby and yet it's not alive inside you, you can definitely have awful morning sickness, because in a missed miscarriage there is still HCG in your system.
9. has anyone got pregnant with a 6 cell, day 3 embryo - Yes! We put back a 3 day, 6 cell embryo (Grade B, with A being the best) and a 3 day, 5 cell (Grade B). I got pregnant, not sure from which one. I did miscarry, but I was pregnant for a little while.
That's all for now. In a few days I'll post an update on how I'm doing. Overall, better. Bad times and good times. You guys are great.
1. is ganirelix a hsg trigger shot? - No it's not. Galirilex is a GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone) antagon. GnRH is produced by your hypothalamus, and if I understand correctly, as estrogen increases from the multiple eggs maturing, the hypothalaums produces GnRH to tell your body decrease FSH production ("Don't work so hard at maturing eggs, we have enough!). Ganirilex supresses the GnRH from signaling so that in IVF all the possible eggs will be fully mature. It's only taken the last few days of FSH shots (Follistim, Gonal-f), as that's when it's needed to supress GnRH. You trigger shot will come probably on your last day of stimulating drugs and will be pure or recombinant HCG (Ovidrel, Novarel, Pregnyl). Y our dose will probably be 5000 or 10,000 units intramuscularly.
2. 4 dpo what to expect now and 4 dpo symptoms - None. Or rather, none related to pregnancy. You don't get pregnant quite that early, although you could have a fertilized embryo in there, it wouldn't have implanted, thus you'd have no HCG in your blood, thus no reason for symptoms. You will have progesterone in your body from the ovulated egg(s)' corpus luteus, though, which reaks havoc on the hormones. Don't drive yourself crazy looking at every symptom.
3. 5 weeks pregnant after ivf did anyone had ultrasound scan - I wish! Next time I want one 5-6 weeks in. My first cramp was at 5w2d and I wonder if our baby died that day. Multiple ob's wouldn't see me until 7 weeks and I miscarried at 6w4d. I won't wait that long again. Everyone is different, but if you have a reason to get seen before, try to use it. Otherwise, you probably just have to wait.
4. blog for hysteroscopy - Well, my blog only has one entry for this, but it was a really good experience for me. I've often been so glad with "unexplained" that I KNOW I don't have things in my uterus keeping babies from implanting. You often wonder with BFN after BFN. Ask any questions if you want.
5. can a positive hpt 9 days after embryo transfer be reliable? - Well, if you didn't test the trigger out of your system, I wouldn't rely on it. 10,000 units can stay in your body up to 10 days, I think. Keep testing, and if the lines get darker, you're pregnant! :)
6. can the guy have morning sickness - Unless you gave him a HCG shot, no. *snickers*
7. clomid iui trigger triplets - Congratulations and yet, I'm sorry, because I know the risks. Be glad you're not like Suz who got quads on unmonitored Clomid and nothing else! Unmonitored clomid is scary.
8. do you still feel morning sickness if you have already lost the embryo - First off, I am so sorry you even had reason to search for this. I hope you were only worried of losing the embryo but it didn't occur. If the embryo has left your body, I don't think you can still have it, although a miscarriage can wreak havoc with your hormones and emotions. *sigh* But if you haven't miscarrried the baby and yet it's not alive inside you, you can definitely have awful morning sickness, because in a missed miscarriage there is still HCG in your system.
9. has anyone got pregnant with a 6 cell, day 3 embryo - Yes! We put back a 3 day, 6 cell embryo (Grade B, with A being the best) and a 3 day, 5 cell (Grade B). I got pregnant, not sure from which one. I did miscarry, but I was pregnant for a little while.
That's all for now. In a few days I'll post an update on how I'm doing. Overall, better. Bad times and good times. You guys are great.
Monday, October 22, 2007
How Things Are
Week #2 has started. I feel like I just lived through losing the baby. J and I were talking last night and he feels like it's been ages ago. It's just different, the long-term effect. I knew it would be and that is ok with me. He is over his grief for the most part while I still am experiencing it in a real way.
Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.
Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.
But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...
I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.
So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.
I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.
So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.
Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.
Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.
But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...
I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.
So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.
I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.
So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Post-Miscarriage Perspective
So, I've almost completed a full work-week since we lost our baby. It's been harder and easier than I anticipated. I did not talk to people and return calls (on the phone) aside from family until Wednesday night. Then I at least felt up to calling back my old friend & life-group leader's wife. It was a good conversation. She let me say everything I felt like saying... I talked about how the miscarriage happened, my daily struggles, my hurt spirit, and our grief over losing this baby after IVF. She never offered any "advice" or tried to help me see a "silver lining" she just listened! She did offer some praise for how we were handling this, which when you feel like you're drowning and failing in misery and sorrow, was welcome to hear. She did mention since I'm not really struggling with anger or questioning God, I might struggle with weariness of this long trial. Totally nailed it, without my ever having recognized it. We are weary of struggling to have a family. With that comes a sort of numbness to "What's next." IVF #2? 7 months away? All right, whatever. I need perspective and hope renewed in my heart, because for now I'm just weary. But knowing what you need is half the battle... right?
On the other hand, I tried to call another friend yesterday, but the conversation was anything but helpful. I know she cares & loves us. No question there. But she was in such a hurry to tell me "you sound like you're doing really good." I felt like she didn't really want me to talk and mainly was interested in hearing anything good... in a hurry to reassure herself I was fine. I felt that way on the phone with another person that day too. So I stopped conversing and let them fill in the rest of the call with whatever they wanted. She even asked, "What's been the most comforting to you?" And honestly, when people tell me they're praying for comfort, I feel like yelling "I don't need comforting!" Definition literally means "to make comfortable", but also means "soothe, console, reassure, relieve in affliction." Am I being crazy? I don't want to be comfortable, reassured, and I cannot be relieved of this! I want perspective and I want grace to handle this. I want hope for the future. But grief is grief! I can't stop missing our baby, but I can sorrow over it less as time fades that grief. I can be assured God loves our child and us, so He will cause this to work for good (Rom 8:28). But comfort? No.
I actually want to address this gently to my sweet friends, generally anyway. But I don't yet have a good enough handle on what I need instead of comfort (in a less verbose way of what I said above). Thoughts, sweet friends who have gone before me here?
I do actually cry less. Sometimes I still feel crushed with how long it will take to do IVF again. April/May 2008. Since our previous IUIs didn't work, at this point we don't see any use forking out 2 tickets to SAT just to try them while waiting. Yeah, we never did a complete injectable/IUI. If I knew we could freeze sperm for cheap I might do it (either while J is deployed, or just so we don't have to buy him a ticket every time I go). Now, our insurance will pay for everything (drugs,blood,ultrasound) used to treat infertility if used with NATURAL intercourse (i.e. no IUI/IVF). I've played with the idea of using an RE in Atlanta just to get a 2nd opinion and maybe see if they'd try some medicated cycles w/with us. I don't know though. I wonder somtimes about pumping my body full of hormones for cycles with little past success and how it'll affect my future health. Plus, it's still 2 hours one-way and maybe insurance won't cover everything. But the idea of only natural TTC by ourselves until April/May just seems such a waste! 7 months! (Well, count 2-3 out b/c of deployment.)
Well, I meant to talk about my grief but got carried away with future treatments... Wednesday night we went to bed and talked about losing the baby, and ended up crying in one another's arms. It actually helped to see my husband cry again, since he hadn't since Sunday and I felt he still was pretty upset about it. It helps to heal together, to ask the hard questions, and to be honest about our very real future fears. At least we're in this together.
(P.S. I'm so glad you all liked the picture, it truly was the happiest day of our lives and we're still very much in love!!!)
On the other hand, I tried to call another friend yesterday, but the conversation was anything but helpful. I know she cares & loves us. No question there. But she was in such a hurry to tell me "you sound like you're doing really good." I felt like she didn't really want me to talk and mainly was interested in hearing anything good... in a hurry to reassure herself I was fine. I felt that way on the phone with another person that day too. So I stopped conversing and let them fill in the rest of the call with whatever they wanted. She even asked, "What's been the most comforting to you?" And honestly, when people tell me they're praying for comfort, I feel like yelling "I don't need comforting!" Definition literally means "to make comfortable", but also means "soothe, console, reassure, relieve in affliction." Am I being crazy? I don't want to be comfortable, reassured, and I cannot be relieved of this! I want perspective and I want grace to handle this. I want hope for the future. But grief is grief! I can't stop missing our baby, but I can sorrow over it less as time fades that grief. I can be assured God loves our child and us, so He will cause this to work for good (Rom 8:28). But comfort? No.
I actually want to address this gently to my sweet friends, generally anyway. But I don't yet have a good enough handle on what I need instead of comfort (in a less verbose way of what I said above). Thoughts, sweet friends who have gone before me here?
I do actually cry less. Sometimes I still feel crushed with how long it will take to do IVF again. April/May 2008. Since our previous IUIs didn't work, at this point we don't see any use forking out 2 tickets to SAT just to try them while waiting. Yeah, we never did a complete injectable/IUI. If I knew we could freeze sperm for cheap I might do it (either while J is deployed, or just so we don't have to buy him a ticket every time I go). Now, our insurance will pay for everything (drugs,blood,ultrasound) used to treat infertility if used with NATURAL intercourse (i.e. no IUI/IVF). I've played with the idea of using an RE in Atlanta just to get a 2nd opinion and maybe see if they'd try some medicated cycles w/with us. I don't know though. I wonder somtimes about pumping my body full of hormones for cycles with little past success and how it'll affect my future health. Plus, it's still 2 hours one-way and maybe insurance won't cover everything. But the idea of only natural TTC by ourselves until April/May just seems such a waste! 7 months! (Well, count 2-3 out b/c of deployment.)
Well, I meant to talk about my grief but got carried away with future treatments... Wednesday night we went to bed and talked about losing the baby, and ended up crying in one another's arms. It actually helped to see my husband cry again, since he hadn't since Sunday and I felt he still was pretty upset about it. It helps to heal together, to ask the hard questions, and to be honest about our very real future fears. At least we're in this together.
(P.S. I'm so glad you all liked the picture, it truly was the happiest day of our lives and we're still very much in love!!!)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Introducing Us...
Originally I started this blog wanting anonymity. It was at a time where I couldn't do treatments easily because we'd moved 1000 miles from the military infertility clinic. I also had recently encountered some really frustrating insensitive comments and such from super-fertile friends (hereafter called SFFs). I needed an online community (outside of forums) of ladies who GET IT. I needed the freedom to vent about my "friends" and not be afraid of being found.
As time has gone on, I've had less issues with my SFFs. I'm actually not so afraid of begin found anymore, but I honestly can't imagine being found by SFFs. Why would they come across an IF blog? I keep an entirely separate blog for IRL friends (being military we move so much, it's the only way to stay in touch w/people all over). I have seen people google my & my husband's names to find it. So I won't ever use our full names here, for that reason. What I'm not concerned about is you guys knowing who I am in real life.
With all that blathering, basically I'm trying to say, I care about my online friends and I like those who I actually can picture. So, I'm going to post a picture of us... On the happiest day of our life (3 1/2 yrs ago), this was my husband and me. Just so you all can get an idea of who we are. Because after this loss, you women have been SO AWESOME. Even the smallest "I'm sorry" has meant so much. I can't imagine going through this w/o you amazing women. I hope I can be as good to you all as you are to me.
I am actually feeling better. I am slowly piecing my life and emotions back together. The healing is coming slowly, but you can't just keep crying. I miss our baby, but I desperately want to try again.
As time has gone on, I've had less issues with my SFFs. I'm actually not so afraid of begin found anymore, but I honestly can't imagine being found by SFFs. Why would they come across an IF blog? I keep an entirely separate blog for IRL friends (being military we move so much, it's the only way to stay in touch w/people all over). I have seen people google my & my husband's names to find it. So I won't ever use our full names here, for that reason. What I'm not concerned about is you guys knowing who I am in real life.
With all that blathering, basically I'm trying to say, I care about my online friends and I like those who I actually can picture. So, I'm going to post a picture of us... On the happiest day of our life (3 1/2 yrs ago), this was my husband and me. Just so you all can get an idea of who we are. Because after this loss, you women have been SO AWESOME. Even the smallest "I'm sorry" has meant so much. I can't imagine going through this w/o you amazing women. I hope I can be as good to you all as you are to me.
I am actually feeling better. I am slowly piecing my life and emotions back together. The healing is coming slowly, but you can't just keep crying. I miss our baby, but I desperately want to try again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
34 Hours Later...
Well, I've had two mornings to wake up now in my un-pregnant state.
I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.
Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.
I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.
I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.
Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.
We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.
In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.
I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.
Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.
I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.
I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.
Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.
We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.
In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Our Little Angel
Last night, at about 1am, our sweet little baby went to be with Jesus.
I had some light blood show up at 7pm with cramping, and we went to the ER to get an ultrasound. In the 7 hour wait, I miscarried our precious little one. I saw it... Yes, there had been just one. An ultrasound confirmed no fetal pole, no yolk sac. My blood HCG beta was already down to 42.
J and I are very sad and mourning our precious child in heaven, who only had a little over 2 weeks on earth in my womb. We don't doubt God, but this hurts all the more for what it took to get here. Pray for us.
I had some light blood show up at 7pm with cramping, and we went to the ER to get an ultrasound. In the 7 hour wait, I miscarried our precious little one. I saw it... Yes, there had been just one. An ultrasound confirmed no fetal pole, no yolk sac. My blood HCG beta was already down to 42.
J and I are very sad and mourning our precious child in heaven, who only had a little over 2 weeks on earth in my womb. We don't doubt God, but this hurts all the more for what it took to get here. Pray for us.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Update? Ok!
So I've been MIA for a little bit. It's odd to try to think of stuff to say on an IF blog when I don't have IF stuff to obess/rant/talk about. However, I can't stop myeslf from reading YOUR blogs, dear readers, so I might as well give you a new page to see here too!
I see my candy post struck some chords.... although not everyone wanted to be tempted with yummy pictures every time they came here... However, since Searching asked for a recipe for the brownies, here it is. http://www.tootsie.com/recipe/a_creamy_mint_brownies.html Unfortunately, I went with pumpkin pie for my dessert of the week, but next week I'll do these. I absolutely abhor frosting in a can, so I plan on making my own. However, I think box brownies are pretty decent.
Now some of you have asked how I'm feeling. Mostly, really well. Hardly different. I tend to get exhausted quicker, but the two times I've really done it were already exerting days. Both times we woke at 5 and proceeded on one day to walk all of Charleston and delay lunch until 3-4pm! The other day (yesterday) husband went hunting and I did house chores, then we went to the GA fair and pigged out, rode 3 non-violent rides (though one did spin around), and it was 90 degrees in jeans and no shade! All that combined to wear me out, which would not have been normal.
The one non-comforting thing is cramping. Starting Thursday night, I had bad cramping. On a 1-10 scale maybe a 7. I think it was gas, as meds and a warm bath took it down to a 2-3. But every evening pretty much I get cramps lasting from 1-2 hours. Usually only a 2-3 level of pain. They feel a LOT like AF cramps. Last week I was 5 weeks 2 days when they started, and that's usually when women are JUST finding out they're pregnant. I think it is normal, as there are no other symptoms (no bleeding/spotting, no fever) and it's always in the evening. I tell myself I may call my ob and ask, but I rather think I know what they'll say. It's not a big deal w/o other symptoms, perhaps they would up my ultrasound date, but even if there is something wrong, I don't think at 6 weeks (today) you can do much about it. Thoughts?! I have never been here before, but I tend to think I'd know if something were wrong. I do find myself taking pregnancy tests every 3-4 days, fearing I may not still be pregnant. Still 2 lines, so I guess I'm ok.
I had my ultrasound date moved from Monday to Tuesday, b/c I switched practices to one further, but who has a midwife! She works under 2 ob's and you have appts with each of them so in case you need them for a c-section/emergency you know them. But she encourages you to have a birth plan and will let you do unmedicated and try to place you with a nurse in the hospital who is good with your type of plan. SO what I want. Anyway, but it did move my ultrasound date. And that's all my news.
I see my candy post struck some chords.... although not everyone wanted to be tempted with yummy pictures every time they came here... However, since Searching asked for a recipe for the brownies, here it is. http://www.tootsie.com/recipe/a_creamy_mint_brownies.html Unfortunately, I went with pumpkin pie for my dessert of the week, but next week I'll do these. I absolutely abhor frosting in a can, so I plan on making my own. However, I think box brownies are pretty decent.
Now some of you have asked how I'm feeling. Mostly, really well. Hardly different. I tend to get exhausted quicker, but the two times I've really done it were already exerting days. Both times we woke at 5 and proceeded on one day to walk all of Charleston and delay lunch until 3-4pm! The other day (yesterday) husband went hunting and I did house chores, then we went to the GA fair and pigged out, rode 3 non-violent rides (though one did spin around), and it was 90 degrees in jeans and no shade! All that combined to wear me out, which would not have been normal.
The one non-comforting thing is cramping. Starting Thursday night, I had bad cramping. On a 1-10 scale maybe a 7. I think it was gas, as meds and a warm bath took it down to a 2-3. But every evening pretty much I get cramps lasting from 1-2 hours. Usually only a 2-3 level of pain. They feel a LOT like AF cramps. Last week I was 5 weeks 2 days when they started, and that's usually when women are JUST finding out they're pregnant. I think it is normal, as there are no other symptoms (no bleeding/spotting, no fever) and it's always in the evening. I tell myself I may call my ob and ask, but I rather think I know what they'll say. It's not a big deal w/o other symptoms, perhaps they would up my ultrasound date, but even if there is something wrong, I don't think at 6 weeks (today) you can do much about it. Thoughts?! I have never been here before, but I tend to think I'd know if something were wrong. I do find myself taking pregnancy tests every 3-4 days, fearing I may not still be pregnant. Still 2 lines, so I guess I'm ok.
I had my ultrasound date moved from Monday to Tuesday, b/c I switched practices to one further, but who has a midwife! She works under 2 ob's and you have appts with each of them so in case you need them for a c-section/emergency you know them. But she encourages you to have a birth plan and will let you do unmedicated and try to place you with a nurse in the hospital who is good with your type of plan. SO what I want. Anyway, but it did move my ultrasound date. And that's all my news.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Candy!
Ok this post is just to prove what a candy addict I am... plus, as autumn comes so with it come the myriad of wonderfully yummy treats orange and brown to entice your taste buds! I have been baking about one homemade treat a week and I bought new stuff I'm anxious to try out! Come over to dinner so I can have an excuse to bake!
Seriously, I try not to make sweets just for J and me, unless it's in a small amount so we won't have too much and end up unhealthy and overweight. I did make 6 "haloween" cupcakes last night: white cake batter with haloween-colored sprinkles inside, a pale orange almond-buttercream frosting, and appropriate colored sprinkles or black spider-webs frosted on top. I'm thinking of taking 2 to my friend tomorrow, so we each only have 2 each.
Anyway, at Cracker Barrell the other night I came across the new Caramel Apple Sugar Babies and, being a die-hard Sugar Babies fan, had to indulge (or rather, J did since he paid). I can't say I love them, but as a lover of caramel apples (and things like apple jolly ranchers, caramel apple cow tails, and caramel apple pops) they are a very enjoyable.
I also want to try these: 
They both seem like wonderful autumn treats. Plus I'm constantly becoming addicted to seasonal treats just so I can drive everyone crazy with my inability to get them the other 9 months out of the year (such as Coffee Mate's Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread creamers)!
Anyway, I bought these at the store last week & now want to ues one of them to make a dessert for church small-group this Sunday. The Creamy Mint Brownies look so good!
Seriously, I try not to make sweets just for J and me, unless it's in a small amount so we won't have too much and end up unhealthy and overweight. I did make 6 "haloween" cupcakes last night: white cake batter with haloween-colored sprinkles inside, a pale orange almond-buttercream frosting, and appropriate colored sprinkles or black spider-webs frosted on top. I'm thinking of taking 2 to my friend tomorrow, so we each only have 2 each.
Anyway, at Cracker Barrell the other night I came across the new Caramel Apple Sugar Babies and, being a die-hard Sugar Babies fan, had to indulge (or rather, J did since he paid). I can't say I love them, but as a lover of caramel apples (and things like apple jolly ranchers, caramel apple cow tails, and caramel apple pops) they are a very enjoyable.
I also want to try these: 
They both seem like wonderful autumn treats. Plus I'm constantly becoming addicted to seasonal treats just so I can drive everyone crazy with my inability to get them the other 9 months out of the year (such as Coffee Mate's Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread creamers)!
Anyway, I bought these at the store last week & now want to ues one of them to make a dessert for church small-group this Sunday. The Creamy Mint Brownies look so good!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
2nd Beta Results
My 2nd beta, 48 hours after my 1st one, resulted in a 153. Up from 56, this was a doubling-time of 33.1 hours. Quite good, since all they look for is a doubling time of 48 hours. May be one, may be two. Only ultrasound will tell, everything else is just speculation!
I have an ultrasound on 10/15, where I will be 6 weeks 6 days. I am hoping we can see a heartbeat(s), but know it may be a little early. It looks like J can make it that day too. I would have preferred one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, but apparently they like you to be 7 weeks. Close enough.
The PIO shots are interesting. Even though they supposedly don't have to be done at the same time every night, since stims did for IVF, I have this feeling that the closer I get them timed the same time every day, the better I am doing. My time is 8:00. So far this has yielded 1 shot in an airport bathroom, 1 shot in the parking lot of Home Depot, and 1 shot in Cracker Barrell's bathroom. I'm so quick at it now, I'm out in about 90 seconds. I am SO glad I got over needing ice or heat when I started IVF meds, because otherwise this would be a serious issue. I don't knwo how long I have to be on them. The paperwork says 7 weeks, then switch to vaginal (with no timeframe), which I know my clinic doesn't give and I haven't the slightest desire for! I could ask, but for now I'll just use what I have and ask next time they call me (10/16 maybe).
Now, before I was worrying about feeding anyone else, I typically skipped breakfast (well, I had coffee), had a light lunch (say, an apple or some celery or some raw nuts or a salad) and then had a typical dinner with a lean meat, a salad, and two steamed veggies. Some sort of small candy/chocolate every day. Yes, not healthy. But I work at a computer all day and the sedentary nature of that keeps my appetite low. I also have always been deathly scared of gaining weight simply because of being married. I have wanted to stay my same weight/size, and this course of eating has accomlished that. Mind you, we are fairly active in our hobbies and I worked out (pre-IVF) with aerobic or treadmill, so it was a health/weight thing. Plus, when you work in a home office it's just a bother to have to get up and make yourself something. However, since start of meds on this IVF cycle, I made an effort to be healthier and eat 3 well-rounded meals. My BMI was one the edge of low, and I was afraid my body wouldn't support a pregnancy. I tried homemade granola or cereal in the morning, mid morning fruit/dairy snack, sandwich or soup for lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and my usual dinner. Ever since discovering that someone else was relying on me for their nutrition, I've been a bit paranoid about eating. I eat once every 2-3 hours. I have been attempting to keep it fresh and nutritious (fruit/veggies/dairy/nuts). But I get tired of eating. What do I do?
As much as I am thrilled beyond words and grateful to be pregnant, I guess I thought I would be tempted to be obsessed with it. But I'm not. We vacationed in Charleston this weekend and barely talked baby stuff. Yes we talked of names and a nursery, and we prayed for it/them every day, but that was it. We just were our normal selves - a couple in love spending a romantic get-away.
And this, I love. This is what my husband and I have done together, but it is not ALL who we are. It is part of us. But our friendship and realtionship is first and should always be. I'm wistful for our sweet times together and grateful we have them. I was before, too, but I'm grateful I'm not all about being pregnant.
And so, with very little to say right now, I'll end this. I will COMPLETELY understand if some of you sweet, wonderful, caring, generous bloggers still going through IF without your BFPs decide to stop reading my blog. I know once certain bloggers made it over the hump, I was less inclined to visit their sites. I only HOPE and PRAY you all will have reasons to rejoice soon.... I feel very undeserving to be where I am. But I will keep reading your blogs, simply because I have a sincere interest in your plights and want to offer any sympahty, advise, or info I have. Thank you for being my friends.
I have an ultrasound on 10/15, where I will be 6 weeks 6 days. I am hoping we can see a heartbeat(s), but know it may be a little early. It looks like J can make it that day too. I would have preferred one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, but apparently they like you to be 7 weeks. Close enough.
The PIO shots are interesting. Even though they supposedly don't have to be done at the same time every night, since stims did for IVF, I have this feeling that the closer I get them timed the same time every day, the better I am doing. My time is 8:00. So far this has yielded 1 shot in an airport bathroom, 1 shot in the parking lot of Home Depot, and 1 shot in Cracker Barrell's bathroom. I'm so quick at it now, I'm out in about 90 seconds. I am SO glad I got over needing ice or heat when I started IVF meds, because otherwise this would be a serious issue. I don't knwo how long I have to be on them. The paperwork says 7 weeks, then switch to vaginal (with no timeframe), which I know my clinic doesn't give and I haven't the slightest desire for! I could ask, but for now I'll just use what I have and ask next time they call me (10/16 maybe).
Now, before I was worrying about feeding anyone else, I typically skipped breakfast (well, I had coffee), had a light lunch (say, an apple or some celery or some raw nuts or a salad) and then had a typical dinner with a lean meat, a salad, and two steamed veggies. Some sort of small candy/chocolate every day. Yes, not healthy. But I work at a computer all day and the sedentary nature of that keeps my appetite low. I also have always been deathly scared of gaining weight simply because of being married. I have wanted to stay my same weight/size, and this course of eating has accomlished that. Mind you, we are fairly active in our hobbies and I worked out (pre-IVF) with aerobic or treadmill, so it was a health/weight thing. Plus, when you work in a home office it's just a bother to have to get up and make yourself something. However, since start of meds on this IVF cycle, I made an effort to be healthier and eat 3 well-rounded meals. My BMI was one the edge of low, and I was afraid my body wouldn't support a pregnancy. I tried homemade granola or cereal in the morning, mid morning fruit/dairy snack, sandwich or soup for lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and my usual dinner. Ever since discovering that someone else was relying on me for their nutrition, I've been a bit paranoid about eating. I eat once every 2-3 hours. I have been attempting to keep it fresh and nutritious (fruit/veggies/dairy/nuts). But I get tired of eating. What do I do?
As much as I am thrilled beyond words and grateful to be pregnant, I guess I thought I would be tempted to be obsessed with it. But I'm not. We vacationed in Charleston this weekend and barely talked baby stuff. Yes we talked of names and a nursery, and we prayed for it/them every day, but that was it. We just were our normal selves - a couple in love spending a romantic get-away.
And this, I love. This is what my husband and I have done together, but it is not ALL who we are. It is part of us. But our friendship and realtionship is first and should always be. I'm wistful for our sweet times together and grateful we have them. I was before, too, but I'm grateful I'm not all about being pregnant.
And so, with very little to say right now, I'll end this. I will COMPLETELY understand if some of you sweet, wonderful, caring, generous bloggers still going through IF without your BFPs decide to stop reading my blog. I know once certain bloggers made it over the hump, I was less inclined to visit their sites. I only HOPE and PRAY you all will have reasons to rejoice soon.... I feel very undeserving to be where I am. But I will keep reading your blogs, simply because I have a sincere interest in your plights and want to offer any sympahty, advise, or info I have. Thank you for being my friends.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
9/26 1st Beta
Sunday was a day that both J and I were really discouraged at this whole thing. I was counting on myself being a multiple IVF'er. Over a lovely brunch in Atlanta, we talked generally about ideas for future plans. WH only cycles 3/x a year, with the next being Jan & then April. Huge chance he'd be deployed in Jan, & if that's even a possibility they won't let you on the list. So it looked like further ART attempts would be a while out. But in the meantime, start adoption paperwork. We DO want to use our frozen embryo, but FET's are twice the cost of IVF and with just 1 frozen, we don't feel like it's really giving it a good shot. Anyway.....
However, after a discouraging day Sunday, Monday I saw the faintest of faint positives. I almost didn't believe it. Never seen that before! I was... optimistic, and scared. Tuesday, perhaps a little lighter line, but still a line. Pink, too, coming up within 10 minutes. Remaining there. I've seen an evap line in the past, but never this. I was actually eager to go to the beta blood draw, since I originally thought I'd be just "getting it over with."
This morning, faint positive, but darker than before. More clear. The Quantitative beta HCG (thank God I know the difference between qualitative and quantitative, b/c the doc almost messed that up) was a huge hassle that took 2 hours to complete. WH gave me an order for it, but the hospital said it didn't have a diagnosis on it. I drove to base and got a doc to put a diagnosis on it and sign it. Then the hospital said the doctor's signiature wasn't legibile enough & I needed to know his first name (which I didn't! Doctor/Major is all I knew!). Finally they made a call & got that.
So I waited, and 1:12 Dr. A called from WH. Told me (real straight faced) I had a positive beta, and to repeat Friday, and when they got the results he'd order a 6-8 wk ultrasound. "We'll see if this is viable" was his words. No congratulations. Did so much for my already nervous/cautious optimism. However, for now I am pregnant. I have gotten farther than ever before. So I'll take that for what it is and give thanks for That! Dr. A is such a crank anyway, I didn't want him to make the call. Maybe Dr. J will call me Friday, he's the nice one. Or Dr. N. (BTW, 13dp3dt beta= 56.4)
J is flying all day and fobidden me from telling anyone but my married sister. My EDD is 6/3/08, right between her girls' birthdays (6/6/04, 5/20/06).
With all my family drama I can't wait to give Mom & Dad the good news. They're leaving Friday-Sunday to bring my grandparents back from CO to live in a home near them. They're overwhelmed w/ their workloads and "damage control" so I feel it's sort of God's way of shining a little happiness and optimism into our lives.
I do not want to take one day for granted, and I don't want to write the end of God's story. He could take this baby (babies?) away from us now, but He still would have done something for us that He's previously withheld. So I want to be thankful and grateful, yet hold this with an open hand and heart.
Honestly, my thoughts are "I don't deserve this." I tear up thinking of all your ladies on here with multiple failed IVFs. With even one failed IVF. If I had not gotten a + beta, I know I'd struggle with feeling like "I don't deserve this, Lord." Either way, his sharp pruning or his gentle nurturing, it's not deserved, because it's not about me, it's about His character, which is the same yesterday, today, and forever. But for now, my heart aches for those hurting, still waiting, perahps a bit despondant. I KNOW THIS FEELING. I am crying now. How I wish we could all be joyful and through this together.
However, after a discouraging day Sunday, Monday I saw the faintest of faint positives. I almost didn't believe it. Never seen that before! I was... optimistic, and scared. Tuesday, perhaps a little lighter line, but still a line. Pink, too, coming up within 10 minutes. Remaining there. I've seen an evap line in the past, but never this. I was actually eager to go to the beta blood draw, since I originally thought I'd be just "getting it over with."
This morning, faint positive, but darker than before. More clear. The Quantitative beta HCG (thank God I know the difference between qualitative and quantitative, b/c the doc almost messed that up) was a huge hassle that took 2 hours to complete. WH gave me an order for it, but the hospital said it didn't have a diagnosis on it. I drove to base and got a doc to put a diagnosis on it and sign it. Then the hospital said the doctor's signiature wasn't legibile enough & I needed to know his first name (which I didn't! Doctor/Major is all I knew!). Finally they made a call & got that.
So I waited, and 1:12 Dr. A called from WH. Told me (real straight faced) I had a positive beta, and to repeat Friday, and when they got the results he'd order a 6-8 wk ultrasound. "We'll see if this is viable" was his words. No congratulations. Did so much for my already nervous/cautious optimism. However, for now I am pregnant. I have gotten farther than ever before. So I'll take that for what it is and give thanks for That! Dr. A is such a crank anyway, I didn't want him to make the call. Maybe Dr. J will call me Friday, he's the nice one. Or Dr. N. (BTW, 13dp3dt beta= 56.4)
J is flying all day and fobidden me from telling anyone but my married sister. My EDD is 6/3/08, right between her girls' birthdays (6/6/04, 5/20/06).
With all my family drama I can't wait to give Mom & Dad the good news. They're leaving Friday-Sunday to bring my grandparents back from CO to live in a home near them. They're overwhelmed w/ their workloads and "damage control" so I feel it's sort of God's way of shining a little happiness and optimism into our lives.
I do not want to take one day for granted, and I don't want to write the end of God's story. He could take this baby (babies?) away from us now, but He still would have done something for us that He's previously withheld. So I want to be thankful and grateful, yet hold this with an open hand and heart.
Honestly, my thoughts are "I don't deserve this." I tear up thinking of all your ladies on here with multiple failed IVFs. With even one failed IVF. If I had not gotten a + beta, I know I'd struggle with feeling like "I don't deserve this, Lord." Either way, his sharp pruning or his gentle nurturing, it's not deserved, because it's not about me, it's about His character, which is the same yesterday, today, and forever. But for now, my heart aches for those hurting, still waiting, perahps a bit despondant. I KNOW THIS FEELING. I am crying now. How I wish we could all be joyful and through this together.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Embryo Quality???
Ok so I skimmed over my fertilization/embryo one-page report after Transfer, but never looked very close.
Also, I just re-read my HCG trigger dose.
I have concerns about both in terms of the doctor's communication. The HCG I think was done wrong (I got a 2500 dose rather than 5000). The embryo thing, I think they just didn't communicate as well as I'd have liked.
Can you guys give me thoughts?
HCG trigger: My Estradiol level at Day 10 of meds came back at 4944. I had a follicle over 21mm & ones close behind, which was the cutoff for trigger. The dr said b/c I had such a high E2 level, he didn't want me on the whole HCG dose just so the smaller follicles wouldn't catch up & me possibly overstim. Fair. However, the regular 10,000 does instruction paper says:
Mix 1 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
My dr scratched out & wrote:
Mix 2 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
Now do the math. I doubled the water & then injected half. By doing both I got 2500 HCG (when he clearly wrote & told me 5000). Right? Shouldn't he have said mix 1 ML water & inject 1/2 ML? Or have you guys done this & it's right?
Embryo Fertilization: We were told we had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 8 fertilized (1 latecomer). Maybe the dr DID mutter something about others than fertilized & wouldn't have been normal, it was hard to hear. My sheet says:
7 fertilized w/ 2 pronuclei
1 fertilized w/ 1 pronuclei (don't know which one that was)
3 fertilized w/ 3 pronuclei (multinucleation, I think this is called)
So honestly we got a better fert rate than I thought (11 out of 15), but just some abnormal embryos, i.e. non viable. Isn't that interesting? Has anyone else gotten this? I don't know if this is good or bad, 3 sounds like a lot to have an extra pronuclei, therefore a whole extra set of chromosomes. Bad eggs? Not a clue! Who knows something?
And no I'm not upset or even worried. Just interesting! If there's a next time, I'm totally reading this stuff ahead of time (not like they gave me a chance too, I got the paper as I left ET!)
Also, I just re-read my HCG trigger dose.
I have concerns about both in terms of the doctor's communication. The HCG I think was done wrong (I got a 2500 dose rather than 5000). The embryo thing, I think they just didn't communicate as well as I'd have liked.
Can you guys give me thoughts?
HCG trigger: My Estradiol level at Day 10 of meds came back at 4944. I had a follicle over 21mm & ones close behind, which was the cutoff for trigger. The dr said b/c I had such a high E2 level, he didn't want me on the whole HCG dose just so the smaller follicles wouldn't catch up & me possibly overstim. Fair. However, the regular 10,000 does instruction paper says:
Mix 1 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
My dr scratched out & wrote:
Mix 2 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
Now do the math. I doubled the water & then injected half. By doing both I got 2500 HCG (when he clearly wrote & told me 5000). Right? Shouldn't he have said mix 1 ML water & inject 1/2 ML? Or have you guys done this & it's right?
Embryo Fertilization: We were told we had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 8 fertilized (1 latecomer). Maybe the dr DID mutter something about others than fertilized & wouldn't have been normal, it was hard to hear. My sheet says:
7 fertilized w/ 2 pronuclei
1 fertilized w/ 1 pronuclei (don't know which one that was)
3 fertilized w/ 3 pronuclei (multinucleation, I think this is called)
So honestly we got a better fert rate than I thought (11 out of 15), but just some abnormal embryos, i.e. non viable. Isn't that interesting? Has anyone else gotten this? I don't know if this is good or bad, 3 sounds like a lot to have an extra pronuclei, therefore a whole extra set of chromosomes. Bad eggs? Not a clue! Who knows something?
And no I'm not upset or even worried. Just interesting! If there's a next time, I'm totally reading this stuff ahead of time (not like they gave me a chance too, I got the paper as I left ET!)
IVF #1 - Freeze Report & Thoughts
Well, in this TWW time, I have been trying to spend quite moments pondering the many things I have to be grateful for in this ICF cycle. Yes, I had some disappointments, but I have things to be grateful for!!! We got to retrieval and had a good nubmer of eggs! No OHSS! We got to transfer with a good nubmer of embryos! And one precious little one made it to blastocyst stage and is now cryopreserved! I have much to be grateful for.
Honestly, after reading a lot of blogs I imagined IVF as this huge deal. I imagined it so emotionally and physically draining I'd only ever want to do it once or twice. But honestly? For me, it was like an IUI - with more appointments. Retrieval was a breeze (although putting on a gown and getting an IV made it seem like it wouldn't be). I will admit that up until Transfer, I was ready to say it was the same emotional investment as an IUI. BUT... Getting the report on our embryos (that we only had 8, that the best growing was only 6 cell, that they were all B grade but no A's), that was emotionally hard. I cried, because I did not anticipate anything other than a few prefect ones (silly, yes)! And then knowing of those 6 left, only 1 kept growing - a bit sad. So, yes, the emotional investment is bigger. But not unweighty.
This TWW has been amazingly easy. I bought a bunch of HPT's before IVF and planned on testing every day from transfer on (to watch the trigger go out). However, I didn't have them with me in San Antonio. When I got back, I tested as 3dp3dt and got a -. But until then? I didn't test until this morning (neg). I just haven't felt the need to know every second what's up. If I'm pregnant, I am. If I'm not, God is still good and this was just His plan. I don't think it serves me any to obsess about symptoms and what's a "line." Now I plan on testing probaly tomorrow, or Sunday, a few more times until my beta (Wednesday), so that I can be prepared and not have to have a doctor deliver me the news.
So, here's just a hello & that I'm alive. But I'd like to leave with this awesome quote from Polishing God's Monuments, a book I can't recommend enough. Love it!
"Christian common sense should also remind us that divine revelation is always a far more reliable barometer of reality than our personal perceptions. Don’t always be awash in how things seem; anchor your faith on how divine revelation days they are. With that adjustment, one can trust his goodness even when God may not seem to be good; one can trust he is acting in character even when he may not seem to be measuring up to his own revealed profile; one can trust his power even when is seems he is weak; one can trust his faithfulness even when it seems he is not being faithful.
Is that bind faith? No, not at all. It is humble faith. But doesn’t that seem like gullibility? No, it is patience – with a biblical memory.
That was Job. Did the faith of a poor tormented soul ever look as misplaced as his stubborn faith? He was frustrated out of his mind and bewildered to the bone, yes, but in the end unyielding, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him!” (Job 13:15). Then, finally- after forever it must have seemed – the Lord intervened and vindicated Job’s trust, restoring his fortunes greater than before. What a historical monument for any confused by the inscrutable ways of God.
"Patience with a biblical memory" - what a great way to say that! More later.
Honestly, after reading a lot of blogs I imagined IVF as this huge deal. I imagined it so emotionally and physically draining I'd only ever want to do it once or twice. But honestly? For me, it was like an IUI - with more appointments. Retrieval was a breeze (although putting on a gown and getting an IV made it seem like it wouldn't be). I will admit that up until Transfer, I was ready to say it was the same emotional investment as an IUI. BUT... Getting the report on our embryos (that we only had 8, that the best growing was only 6 cell, that they were all B grade but no A's), that was emotionally hard. I cried, because I did not anticipate anything other than a few prefect ones (silly, yes)! And then knowing of those 6 left, only 1 kept growing - a bit sad. So, yes, the emotional investment is bigger. But not unweighty.
This TWW has been amazingly easy. I bought a bunch of HPT's before IVF and planned on testing every day from transfer on (to watch the trigger go out). However, I didn't have them with me in San Antonio. When I got back, I tested as 3dp3dt and got a -. But until then? I didn't test until this morning (neg). I just haven't felt the need to know every second what's up. If I'm pregnant, I am. If I'm not, God is still good and this was just His plan. I don't think it serves me any to obsess about symptoms and what's a "line." Now I plan on testing probaly tomorrow, or Sunday, a few more times until my beta (Wednesday), so that I can be prepared and not have to have a doctor deliver me the news.
So, here's just a hello & that I'm alive. But I'd like to leave with this awesome quote from Polishing God's Monuments, a book I can't recommend enough. Love it!
"Christian common sense should also remind us that divine revelation is always a far more reliable barometer of reality than our personal perceptions. Don’t always be awash in how things seem; anchor your faith on how divine revelation days they are. With that adjustment, one can trust his goodness even when God may not seem to be good; one can trust he is acting in character even when he may not seem to be measuring up to his own revealed profile; one can trust his power even when is seems he is weak; one can trust his faithfulness even when it seems he is not being faithful.
Is that bind faith? No, not at all. It is humble faith. But doesn’t that seem like gullibility? No, it is patience – with a biblical memory.
That was Job. Did the faith of a poor tormented soul ever look as misplaced as his stubborn faith? He was frustrated out of his mind and bewildered to the bone, yes, but in the end unyielding, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him!” (Job 13:15). Then, finally- after forever it must have seemed – the Lord intervened and vindicated Job’s trust, restoring his fortunes greater than before. What a historical monument for any confused by the inscrutable ways of God.
"Patience with a biblical memory" - what a great way to say that! More later.
Friday, September 14, 2007
IVF #1 - Transfer
Well, as you all knew, on Wednesday (24 hours after Retrieval), we received a call from WH stating of the 17 eggs they got, 13 were mature (this is common to have immature ones in the group). Of those 13, 7 fertilized. Our next report was this morning.
When we went in for the Transfer this morning, we were told one extra embryo fertilized late, so we had 8 now. However, none of them were perfect quality (meaning, no fragmentation in the cells). No one agrees upon a grading scale/method, but WH uses A-D, A being no fragmentation, B minor fragmentation, etc. D's rarely make it I think, because they're severely fragmented. Anyway, all of ours were B's.
They also look for them to be 7-8 cells on Day 3 (Transfer Day). We didn't have any with that many, but we had a 6-cell, 3 5-cells, 2 4-cells, and 2 3-cells. The 3-cells they do not expect to keep growing. Whatever is still growing on Sunday will be frozen. It may be all, may be none, we don't know. We were offered a chance to transfer 3 (highly unusual considering my age!), but considering that we had no perfect embryos I guess they thought it worth offering. We chose to only transfer the 6-cell and a 5-cell, simply because we did not think we could honestly pray for a triplet pregnancy/babies.
I AM a little discouraged, given my age and our "unexplained" status, that we didn't get anything better. But the Lord has been in control and it remains that way. Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. No matter what, I get a blood test on 9/26 to determine the outcome of all this. So until then just pray for the survival of these two embryos inside me. J flys home tomorrow, I fly home Monday. I'm resting a lot until then. :)
I've only done two of the Progersterone in Oil shots. I have to do this 2 weeks if not pregnant, 7 weeks if pregnant. The first was a breeze... the 2nd, I think I hit my sciatic nerve, because I woke up at 4 in intense pain and could not sleep after an hour w/o Tylenol! So I've got to get better at that.
If you want to see actual pictures of what I'm talking about with cells and fragmentation, just click the pages below.
http://www.advancedfertility.com/embryoquality.htm http://www.ohiorepromed.com/embryo_grading.htm
Thursday, September 13, 2007
IVF #1 - Fertilization Report
WH called today & gave us our report.... Of the 17 eggs they retrieved, 13 were mature. That means 4 were not mature/large enough to have eggs in them. Of those 13 mature, 7 fertilized - over half!
We're (again) grateful to have gotten to this point.
Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen. We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills!
Thank you for all your comments! It's been SO BUSY being here in San Antonio trying to visit old friends and do funb stuff in the area, I've rarely been on the computer more than 5-10 minutes at a time. But once I get home (early next week) I'll start reading/commenting more faithfully.
We're (again) grateful to have gotten to this point.
Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen. We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills!
Thank you for all your comments! It's been SO BUSY being here in San Antonio trying to visit old friends and do funb stuff in the area, I've rarely been on the computer more than 5-10 minutes at a time. But once I get home (early next week) I'll start reading/commenting more faithfully.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
IVF #1 - Retrieval!
Retrieval was this morning at 10:15. Showed up at 7:30 & did some prep. I was totallly awake for it, remember everything (which I liked)! Mildly painful, right now I'm pretty comfortable resting at home with J (with Dunkin Donuts he got me)! I didn't even feel like I needed any painkiller, but thought it would make me feel a bit better, so I took Tylenol w/Codine. Bad move, made me nauseous (I told them I was allergic to hydrocodone & I guess I don't do well w/codine either).
They got 17 eggs!!!!! We are so blessed and happy at the news, and I'm especially delighted to feel so good. THANK YOU for all your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, they have been answered and have meant so much. I don't know WHAT the future holds, but we look forward to tomorrow. I know some or all may not fertilize, since we're unexplained, so I try to hold this lightly.
We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then. If some fertilize, tomorrow night I do my first PIO shot.
They got 17 eggs!!!!! We are so blessed and happy at the news, and I'm especially delighted to feel so good. THANK YOU for all your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, they have been answered and have meant so much. I don't know WHAT the future holds, but we look forward to tomorrow. I know some or all may not fertilize, since we're unexplained, so I try to hold this lightly.
We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then. If some fertilize, tomorrow night I do my first PIO shot.
Monday, September 10, 2007
IVF #1 - 9 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #4
Went in yesterday morning for my blood work and ultrasound and got good news!
Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)
Because there's one over 20mm, we did 5,000 HCG trigger shot last night & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was 4944 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!! I did my last Ganirilex and 37.5 iu of Follistim Sunday morning.
J flew out Saturday and gets to be here until next Saturday! It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here. So Tueday is Big Day #1. I consider Wednesday (fertilization day) as Big Day #2, and Friday (transfer day) as Big Day #3.
Lots of drugs to start on tomorrow night. My first PIO, I'm curious how bad it'll be. I did the IM trigger w/o icing the area wonder if I can do that too?
Can't wait for my first big day..... Thank you ALL for checking in!
Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)
Because there's one over 20mm, we did 5,000 HCG trigger shot last night & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was 4944 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!! I did my last Ganirilex and 37.5 iu of Follistim Sunday morning.
J flew out Saturday and gets to be here until next Saturday! It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here. So Tueday is Big Day #1. I consider Wednesday (fertilization day) as Big Day #2, and Friday (transfer day) as Big Day #3.
Lots of drugs to start on tomorrow night. My first PIO, I'm curious how bad it'll be. I did the IM trigger w/o icing the area wonder if I can do that too?
Can't wait for my first big day..... Thank you ALL for checking in!
Friday, September 7, 2007
IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3
My newest update contains info from yesterday's appt. Today I started Ganirilex. I get seen again Sunday, and J comes in tomorrow. We were finally able to get him cleared to miss a week's worth of training (if needed). That was a huge relief. A ticket was a little under $500, but at first they looked to be $700+, so that sound not too bad. So, now, I am measuring:
Thursday Scan, Day 7 on meds (scans before 7th dose)
Left: 5 at 10mm, 3 at 11mm, 2 at 12mm, 4 less than 10mm (14 total)
Right: 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 1 at 10mm, few less than 10mm (4+ total)
Lining: 12.1
Stupid right ovary. Seriously, it upsets me how much different they are in production. Perhaps when we go in Sunday that'll be trigger day. If it isn't, I'll come in Monday & every day until the time, I think. Retrieval is 36 hours after trigger, I think.
Yesterday was a tough day emotionally and physically. The waiting and being without J has been tough. Not having a doctor who even cares about you is tough. Being told you'll get called back & not is tough. And waking up at 4am to get a decent nubmer at the clinic sucks. I wake up multiple times at night, afraid I've missed my alarm. I hate it. I picked up 2 dozen Krispy Kremes and took them to my appt Thursday, as a goodwill gesture. It made me feel good about myself even if the service there is crappy. I got about 2 1/2 minutes w/the doctor, enough for him to measure the follies & give me ganirelix. He said he didn't know what time the doc would do Sunday scans, so I'd get a call. Over 19 hours later, NO CALL. I left a message. Why is my favorite doc TDY?!?!??! I wish I were in Group 3 so I'd have him somtimes, since he comes back next week (I'm in group 2. Group 3 just had baseline yesterday). Oh well though!
In addition to that, the dear friend I'm staying with here went through 4 years of IF, conceived her 2 yr old on IVF, and was waiting to do a FET til next spring. She got preg outta the blue, 9 wks ago. Went in to date the baby's age, was told it was 6 wks old. Next few weeks had terribly hyper-emesis, went to hospital for fluids, etc. Last weekend (between my 2 trips out) she started spotting/cramping. Went in Tuesday (while I'm at WH) for ultrasound. I got home 1st, she walks in crying, "We lost the baby." Devastating! I hurt so bad for her!!! She had the D&C the next day (missed miscarriage), but after what IF takes you though, then to get preg & lose it like that - so hard to take! She is handling it wonderfully, trusting in God's grace. But it leaves me scared of getting preg with possibilities like that! I already see myself crazily needing doubling betas and ultrasounds every week.... Worrying. And I don't want to.
IN ADDITION, today my sister called crying b/c someone very close to us (can't tell who) has been addicted to cocaine & binging on alcohol & spent ALL of someone else's life savings (half a million!). Someone who they trusted. Everyone did. I can't even convey how NOT like this person this is. They were stable, reliable, Godly, etc. I've been crying off/on all day, going between anger, hurt, questioning, numbness. My parents will take on 100% of fixing all this, financially/physically/otherwise. My mom is inconsolable. There's so much to fix (like letting insurance lapse for months!). It's heartbreaking. I want to throw up as I write this. So, we grieve. And yet I can't even be near those I love to get or give an actual hug.
What a week. IVF pales in comparison to these things, but I am living in it right now, so I push forward. But this all feels so wrong. When someone you trust hurts you so bad, you feel like you can't trust anyone. And you feel like where is God. I know a lot of answers, so I don't exactly need them (my husband tried to comfort me with "wise words" and I ended up feeling resentful he wouldn't just cry with me). But we're so far down in this well I can't even see daylight. Please invervene, Lord. A lot of questions remain unanswered. J says I don't need answers. So I keep praying... a lot.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
IVF #1 - 4 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #2
So, after a terrific weekend in GA, I got back to San Antonio Monday night. Went in for my Tuesday appt and even though I arrived at 5:30 I wasn't the 1st! By the time all the ladies arrived for scans, there were about 20! It was ridiculous! I'm so glad I went early, that would have been such a hassle waiting around.
I got Dr. A, who's fine. In & out in like 3 minutes. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions. (that'll come later!). (& for what it's worth, there are only 4 docs at WH so I'm not silly enough to actually use their real initials, the letters I use stand for something to me. Not creative enough to use actual nicknames.)
So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150IU Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) (taken on Day 5 before my morning dose) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 4 less than 10mm, 10.2, 12
Endometrium: 6.7
I'm shocked my right is outgrowing my left, this has never happened. The aspirated cyst had fluid around it, but they said it was ok.
After my labs came back , they called & told me on Day 6 (tomorrow), take my Follistim down to 125IU. Guess my E2 is a bit high? So that works for me. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for th injection. Oh & I figured out Follistim hurts less than Gonal-f.
I scheduled my 1st IVF Accupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Curious if I can stand it! This is all the update for today, thanks for coming by!!
I got Dr. A, who's fine. In & out in like 3 minutes. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions. (that'll come later!). (& for what it's worth, there are only 4 docs at WH so I'm not silly enough to actually use their real initials, the letters I use stand for something to me. Not creative enough to use actual nicknames.)
So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150IU Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) (taken on Day 5 before my morning dose) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 4 less than 10mm, 10.2, 12
Endometrium: 6.7
I'm shocked my right is outgrowing my left, this has never happened. The aspirated cyst had fluid around it, but they said it was ok.
After my labs came back , they called & told me on Day 6 (tomorrow), take my Follistim down to 125IU. Guess my E2 is a bit high? So that works for me. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for th injection. Oh & I figured out Follistim hurts less than Gonal-f.
I scheduled my 1st IVF Accupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Curious if I can stand it! This is all the update for today, thanks for coming by!!
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