Monday, October 15, 2007

34 Hours Later...

Well, I've had two mornings to wake up now in my un-pregnant state.

I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.

Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.

I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.

I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.

Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.

We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.

In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.

18 comments:

Katie said...

Oh, sweetheart. I am so, so, so sorry. As we both know, there are no words that I can muster that will help you to feel better. What I can offer you is this promise: It will get better. I know that right now, that doesn't seem possible, or even what you want. It doesn't happen all at once, and you have some really hard days ahead of you. But it does get better and you will find a day in the future when you can breathe again without it hurting so much.

I am here for you, if you need anything. soupgirl79@aol.com

Once again, I am so sorry.

andrea_jennine said...

I'm at a loss for words, but I'm here grieving with you.

Caro said...

I'm so very very sorry for your loss.

hugs

Chris said...

I am so, so sorry that you have had to experience a loss like this. I know firsthand that there really aren't words to comfort you. However, please know that I know and understand just how much you loved this baby and just what a profound loss this is for you. You will be forever touched, but time truly does help to heal and you are strong enough to get past this and one day life will be good again. I know it.

Loren said...

I am so sorry! I just checked your blog this morning, so I had no idea. :( There are no words- but I know what you mean about the water! It does make you feel free to cry. The grief will get better, but feel it while it's here. This is a terrible loss of not just a bbay, but a dream. at least for now.
I,too, found comfort that I was able to get pregnant. You will again. For some reason, first pregnancies are more likely to miscarry.
Thinking of you...

Searching said...

I'm so, so sorry for you and J. :(

Elaine said...

I am so sorry. I've been there...twice, actually, and I can relate to every single emotion that you listed. I pray for your peace. Don't allow Satan to ruin your desire for children. Remember, your love is greater than your fear.

Elizabeth said...

I am so very sorry about your loss.

Glenna Marshall said...

I appreciate your outlook on all of this. Grief is the right response--you DID lose your first child! I agree that "miscarriage" is such a bad term. I have never walked where you are walking, so I won't pretend to understand, but know that I am grieving with you and praying for you.
May the peace of Christ rule in your heart.

gracechild said...

i'm at loss for words. Sending you a hug.

Debby said...

This seems so unfair. I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain.

CAM said...

The grief is just so tough to handle. I lost three last year and each time was worse than the last. I will always have that fear because I know what is possible. But, it has made me stronger knowing that I can get through it. My husband and I are a stronger couple because of it. And, we now know that we can face the worst times together and still move forward. We will all achieve our dreams someday...and it will be wonderful.
Tomorrow is another day :)

Amanda said...

My thoughts and tears are with you.

Kim said...

I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face because I just don't know what to say. Nothing that I can say will make things better or okay. I wish that I could give you a hug, though.

Julie and Greg said...

this post sounded exactly like me a year ago. take all the time you need to grieve. we lost our baby at 14w6d and the grief was so overwhelming at times. this was your child so allow yourself to cry and cry ..my prayers are with you both and I will pray for your hearts to heal! just know you are not alone.

Searching said...

Just wanted to send you another hug. I'm thinking of you today.

JJ said...

I am sorry I am delayed in offering my sympathy...I am so sad for your loss--I pray that you all will be able to lean on each other right now-thinking of you...

Alice said...

I'm so very sorry.