Monday, October 22, 2007

How Things Are

Week #2 has started. I feel like I just lived through losing the baby. J and I were talking last night and he feels like it's been ages ago. It's just different, the long-term effect. I knew it would be and that is ok with me. He is over his grief for the most part while I still am experiencing it in a real way.

Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.

Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.

But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...

I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.

So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.

I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.

So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's Katie - I am having computer issues and can't log in. I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you and praying for you and your family. This is such a tough time and I don't pretend to know exactly what you are feeling, but I certainly have empathy for what you are going through. My husband also tends to recover from a miscarriage faster than I do. It's such a lonely feeling. Within about a week, he has started to move on, and I am still deeply rooted in the grieving process. I know how much it took for you to get pregnant, and I cannot promise that it won't take a lot to get there again. But with your faith and with the prayers of others, YOU WILL GET THERE. I promise.

Samantha said...

Your tangled necklace is great metaphor for the mixture of feelings you have experienced. I'm glad you're beginning to unravel them.

Laura said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been out of the loop for the past week and just got caught up. My heart goes out to you. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

gracechild said...

i'm very proud of you and the way you are dealing with this storm. it will be too cliched for me to say "this too shall pass away". i feel a heart bleed for every follie-egg i see in an U/S that never becomes a child in my arms. I know it is well.

Ally said...

I don't know what to say. Your post is beautiful but it breaks my heart. I wish you didn't have to go through this, nor write about it all. I wish you peace and clarity about the path ahead, along with the strength you need to make your climb. We will all be with you in spirit.

Searching said...

*hugs* I'm so glad you ahd the chance to talk on the phone with your friend. Just that verbal acknowledgement of your baby's life (and hers) and of both of your feelings is so healing and needed. I hope she will be there for you when you need to talk again. I know we are all happy to listen, but it's not the same as talking to someone in the moment. You have plenty of company on the climb and someone to help you up on those days you slip and fall. You are amazing just by being who you are, nothing more expected, no superwoman strength. Just you. Awesome.

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

very inspirational! you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Malky B. said...

Great post! I think most women need longer than men to grieve after a pregnancy loss. It so good to talk to people who get it isn't it? I'm glad you have a few good people to talk to and all of us in blog land as well. It will get better, I promise.

Deathstar said...

You're doing well. It sucks to be depressed and feel so disconnected from the world. But you already know that you are not alone. Hang in there. Treat yourself well, go for a massage if you can, maybe some reiki, watch movies, maybe help someone today with a compliment or let someone help you. Just be. Your faith is still there, you're just tired. So rest.

CAM said...

You have to grieve over the loss and move on in your own time. I grieved very differently with all three m/cs. It was a weird wave of emotions. But you have to ride them out so you can get to the other side and be ready to move on. This is a painful process but our dreams of having a child keep us going.
:)

Glenna Marshall said...

Bless you for your transparency, girl. I appreciate your honesty and perspective.
You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Debby said...

Isn't it amazing how our husbands can get through the grief process more quickly? Mine is already on the up and up while I'm still spiraling down. But, in a way, that gives me comfort that he's not still hurting as bad as I am. I wouldn't wish the deep pain on anyone and I'm so sorry you're in this dark place right now. Time helps heal...it truly does, although the memories and the sting of loss will always be with you to remind you of the little life you had created. I'm so sorry honey.

Ann said...

I am so, so sorry for what you've gone through. You express yourself beautifully. I pray that you continue to heal.

Searching said...

Just thinking about you today. *hugs*

Searching said...

Just thinking about you today. *hugs*