Baseline Result for IVF #1

I could not think of leaving you out of my updates, even though it's busy here w/ 5 guests in the house for Labor Day weekend! However, I'd love to tell how the appt went Thursday.


Remember, I flew from GA to TX on Wed for a Thurs appt, and planned on flying out Thurs afternoon after the appt back to GA, & return Mon night to TX for the Tuesday morn next appt. Then I'd stay there 2 weeks or whatever it took for stims, ER, ET, and any further follow-up. Yes, not as cost-effective, but I'm already going to be apart from my husband a long time as it is, and we'd planned on having friends over Labor Day Weekend. I figured this schedule was worth the cost/hassle. And no matter if I had something that forced me to stay in TX this weekend, I'd stay because of course IVF comes first. That was my mindset.

I woke at 4:00, left at 5:00 and arrived at the clinic at 5:30. Got nice & settled in to wait for the clinic to open at 6:30. For those unfamiliar with how WH does morning monitorings, see this post. Except the lab no longer keeps the ticket outside! So I have to try to get my ultrasound number and then hope I don't get a bad nubmer at the lab. :( Bleh.


I didn't know which doc I'd get for ultrasound, but I got my fav, a treat for this particular day!!! Because guess who had a cyst the first time in her life? Yep. Measuring 20x30mm, it was on the border of needing aspriation. I assume the 26 days of Ortho Novum 1/35 didn't do its job. (I hardly even got a period, too.) I hated being on BCP's anyway, especially since had my normal cycle run its course, I'd have started bleeding the SAME DAY as when I did on BCP's. Sheesh. The dr was so nice (gave me a hug hello when he saw me!). He was doing the ultrasound, and started on the Right, looked around a few seconds, and then sadly mumbled, "Oh Sweetheart, what's this?" He told me the cyst was small enough I might be able to proceed, but when my blood levels came back that would tell whether or not I needed it drained ('m assuming the E2 level would reveal that). He said he would call. He usually gives the feeling that I can take all the time I need to ask questions, but he seemed hurried today. I understood, IVF there is busy.

So, typically I'd have told him I was trying to fly out back to GA later that day, but I wasn't sure they exactly liked me being non driving-distance from the clinic - even though they don't want to see me again until Tuesday morning!!! So I told him if it needed draining no problem. I had to stick around until 10 for the injections/meds class anyway, and figured he would call anytime. Apparently he had a big meeting and wasn't even around to ask personally then (and my blood had been ready since 7 that morning!). I assumed his latency in calling must have meant things were ok. So I proceeded to get a ride to the airport to catch my 1:10 flight. I arrived there 12:20 and still made it to the gate w/time to spare. I did want to make it home on the original plan, but was very concerned to leave the city w/o his call. Sure enough, he calls and tells me the cyst needs draining. I told him I'd be there ASAP. A catch: he wanted me to take valium/percoset for the procedure, as it can be painful. This would prohibit me from driving myself back to the airport. I told him I preferred no meds so I could drive myself... & he ok'ed it (His words: "If you want to Civil War Style it, you can.) So I grabbed the quickest rental car I could get (cheaper than a taxi- I checked!) and headed back to WH.

I had called J & we prayed. I felt such peace about everything that was happened. Not worried about getting to GA that night, not scared about the procedure, not upset. Just peace. Even the gate agent kindly switched my flight to a later one.

I got to WH and was seen immediately. They were all a little amused at my desire for no meds, but got right down to business. Dr. J told me, "You know this room!" It was the same for my hysteroscopy. He said, "I met you here." How the devil does a doctor remember when & where they met you?!?! See why I love him? I'm not a number and a chart, I'm a person. The whole thing was over in about 30 minutes and was actually not very painful, although it was much more uncomfortable modesty-wise than an ultrasound. Not too fun. Another bonus from getting the cyst aspiration: that procedure is the exact same as the IVF Retrieval! That's the only part I was nervous about on this whole IVF (everything else I've experienced before!). Now, I've experienced that too, so nothing to be nervous about. Awesome!

So I jumped up and headed back to the airport. There was a flight leaving for ATL at 3:50 and one at 7:00 - I wanted to make the 3:50, but it was 2:50 as I was leaving. I had to drive 20 minutes, get gas, return the rental car, get a shuttle, get through security (but no bags to check), and make it to the gate - AND I DID!!!! The same gate-guy who switched my flight earlier switched it this time - he even asked if everything worked out ok! I had kind people all over the place. Weather prevented the plane from leaving until 7, but I did get back to GA!

I've never EVER had just one thing after another go so smoothly and so much peace surround my spirit. I don't think a lack of problems grows my faith as much as God's provision when problems arise. (Oh if I'd not had the cyst removed, we'd be out a few hundred dollars and the IVF would have been rescheduled for January.) I know the Lord is answering prayer. I know I can be level-headed often, but last time this happened (in April, on a trip for an IUI) I was so distraught! I felt kicked around and left bruised by it all, and mostly I felt alone. This was different.

My next appointment is Tuesday. I fly back out to SAT Monday evening. I'm eager to see my ovaries' development. They started w/ Right at 10 less than 10mm and Left 14 less than 10mm.

The one bad part: Dr J called me Saturday to make sure I didn't have any bleeding or nausea from the cyst removal. He said something like, "I don't know when I'll see you again. I wish I could do your Retrieval, maybe I'll be back by then." I always feel like I shouldn't ask drs too many personal questions, so I just said "Uh-huh" rather than ask what he meant, where he'd be, or when he'd return! So I know the next 2 week's stuff won't have him involved. I felt like crying the whole day, but now I'l just ready to return and get this done. Still, perhaps he'll be there for Transfer.

CD 26, BCP Day 22

Just a little update to say in a week I have my IVF Baseline appt! I'm excited to start this, very bewildered where we'll be in a month. But ready to do this now.

Also, my temps were up for about a week, but since they've gone down now FF took off my Ovulation day. Apparently BCP's work. Haha. Only 3 more pills and am I glad. I hate that they're a part of the IVF protocol.

There's very little else to say now, but I've got this draft I need to get out about Infertility and God. But until I get around to that, I'll just be checking all your sites like normal.

And remember those ladies I mentioned? Grace Is Still Enough and Baby Wait could use some hugs.

CD 19, BCP Day 15 & Other Peope's Updates

Ok so you fellow charters will have to help me on this. Have any of you still charted while on BCP's? Don't ask me why I guess after 2 years I just can't let go! (Plus the fact that according to my charting, my 1st 2 IUI's were performed after I ovulated!!!) Shoot, I'm gonna chart my IVF cycle, too! Anyway, I know birth control works in 3 ways, so in case one doesn't work the others hopefully will. 1. It should stop you from ovulating. 2. It should make cervival fluid hostile. 3. It should make endometrium hostile/thin to implantation. Now, #3 is exactly why my husband and I had a problem being on BCP ever - it could allow an egg to be fertilized, but not give it a place to implant. (Off topic: Although my research indicated the NuvaRing was WAY better at preventing ovulation than oral pills and if taken in conjunction with baby aspirin to keep the lining implant-able, we could do that in good conscience (and did). Shoot, clomid thinned the lining about the same as the Nuvaring!) My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722

ANWAY - my point is, FF is telling me I ovulated on CD 12. My earliest before has been CD13. So early for me, but believable. What do you guys believe? I don't think it matters one way or another, but I'm facinated by this!

On a not-so fun topic, I got my 3rd ever UTI this weekend. Symptoms appeared Saturday morning, but with plenty of fluids and a long bath I figured I could wait until Monday morning's sick call at base and avoid a long day in Urgent Care. Sunday = Much worse! Still, a bath at 6am from the pain that kept me from sleeping and more fluids and pure cranberry juice helped me feel 100% better. So church and a lasy afternoon. At smallgroup that night something inside me snapped and we had to leave pronto & go straight to Urgent Care. I could barely sit/stand and not cry! It was horrific. At this point there's obvious blood now too. Ick. Classic symptoms. I was diagnosed quickly and sent to a 24-hour CVS. I couldn't even stand at the counter, and the pharmacits noticed. He looked at my perscription and kindly asked if I needed a bathroom. I camped out there the entire 8 minute wait. J told me the pharmacist said, "I'll get this ready in 5 minutes, you go tend to her." So sweet! Yeah, I barely made it home and rushed to a 2 hour long bath, 800mg ibuprofen, and some relief. The horrible part? I brought this on myself. Without giving out too much intimate details, it involved J and me taking a trip to the lake, a midnight swim, and some adult fun. Oh Brother! What an idiot. Lesson learned.

I'm almost 100% aside from nausea from the ci.pro and odd pains in my lower stomach. Today we leave for a wonderful trip to Florida for 4 days of relaxation and great times. How I'm excited for that!!!

I know some of you are at times of importance in your cycles (SquarePeg,- IVF waiting for growing report after a bit of a disappointing fertilization report, Our Own Creation - FET #1 expecting beta today, Grace Is Still Enough - waiting to surge for IUI #1, Baby Wait - crazy betas and pee-sticks needing to know if she's got a beautiful living baby inside!). Say a prayer, go over and offer support, we all can use it. Love you all ladies....

Ponderings

While in church last Sunday, I had thoughts about how being in need actually increases our spiritual awareness.

When we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name", I realized times of suffering, pain, and darkness keep our spiritual senses acute. I know when I have a glaring need in my life, I am much more purposeful about times in the Word and prayer with the Lord. I recognize and know my need much more readily. Trials in life remind us this in not our home, and they remind us we're put here for more than earthly pleasure. Clearly there is something Eternal more worthy than all this.

I Peter 1:6-9 tells us, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I sang: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name."

I thought how singing this at times in church is easy, and other times it's hard. Sometimes a song like this takes faith to even say the words. How often in San Antonio as the church sang this I could barely choke it out, tears just pouring rapidly. So today, in what feels like the calm before the storm, I sing - knowing soon I'll be tested on calling Him blessed and praising perhaps in darkness. I hope I'm ready. I find myself thinking more and more about IVF next month, religiously checking the blogs of my current friends doing IVF to see whether theirs failed or succeeded - as if that had any bearing on us! I find myself unable to grasp how I'd feel if it were a complete failure. So I just pray for a ready heart.

CD 6, BCP Day 2

My second day of BCP's. They are so tiny! I've never done BCP's so I found it interesting how they come packaged. I always wondered how someone didn't mess up the whole pill/placebo thing. I had my dr call in the perscription and he only called in one month's worth. At that time I didn't know exactly when AF would decide to come, and I knew it contained 21 pills, so that possibly could be enough. Well, AF showed on 7/29 and I was suppose to go in for CD3 blood work and to get my perscription. I was told to start on CD5 and take until Aug 26. I didn't do the math exactly, but it felt like I'd be a few pills short. When I got to the pharmacy the lady asked how many packs I was picking up.I said I needed 2, then she told me the dr only perscribed 1. So why'd she ask anyway! Agh. I tried to call the dr, but got a busy signal. Being too lazy to actually just walk over (same building, just a way's down) to Flight Medicine, I got my pills and left. I had pressing errands on base and had to be done to pick up J at 9:30.

I finished the errands and had time left over. So I then went back to Flight Medicine and tried to see the dr. He wasn't in, but the girl there said she could get another dr to perscribe me another pack (I was 6 short). She did, so I went back to the pharmacy. They were pretty slow! When they finally called me up, I got my stuff and left... and noticed they'd given me 3 packs plus 3 refills in the future!!! Sheesh.... Dr. L at the base knows I'm doing IVF (he had to order all the blood tests) but obviously the others thought I was just filling it for non-procreative purposes! Whatever. I figured if we have to do IVF #2 then at least I'll have the BCP's and won't have to worry about getting those.

I know my mom has been praying I wouldn't have to do IVF and would get pregnant naturally. I don't think she knows about the BCP's this month, so in her mind I still have one more chance. I still find it a bit hard that she can't fully support (rather, be happy with) our decision for medical intervention. Here's the funny part. If you have any sort of bodily aliment (even just a cold), she'll whisk you off to the dr and insist on medication! She rarely believes in letting your body naturally heal itself. But when it comes to IF, she hates doctor intervention and especially drugs! I think it's because she's a lady who baess other's experiences on what's worked for her. She & Dad tried 3 years to get pegnant with my oldest sister. She finally got pregnant and then I came 3 years later - so I think there was a few months of trying there. 20 months later the twins come. After that 4 more kids every 2 years, the last being when my mom was 41 - and they didn't particularly want it. She didn't need help, so why should I? Most of her stories - no, all I think! - are of friends with some sort of IF (she's never used that word - she just says "had trouble getting pregnant") that just prayed and tried, some up to 12 years. And finally it happened. I don't think she knows anyone who's adopted all their kids b/c they couldn't have any. So this colors her worldview a lot. Anyway, I still love her and tell her stuff, but I do not feel like I want to tell everything. My sister, & best friend after J, I tell everything to. And she really wants to hear. Even though she has 2 kids easily conceived (honeymoon baby & one 21 months later), she empathizes. I LOVE her!

Sorry to rant. 4 weeks to Baseline Appt. Sunny Texas! It'll be like a vacation, honestly. Visiting old friends and having fun. Plus I like my clinic and I don't dislike any of the drs (though I have my fav!).... So just waiting!

No Update Because Nothing Happening!

Well this is my last month to conceive naturally before IVF #1! :) I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I look at it. I don't expect it, but it's different being 4 DPO and knowing at least there's a chance. With BCP's next month it'll be different.

I keep wondering, since we're unexplained, if no eggs will fertilize. Have any of you Unexplained gals had these thoughts? I just wonder if there's something we don't know that'll become apparent with IVF. It bugs me that the SART only has data through 2005 for my clinic and it says out of 156 cycles they only had 2 with "Unknown" diagnosis. That sounds irrational! And of those 2, 1 got pregnant (with twins I add) and 1 didn't. They both put back 2. Interesting. Their overall success rate is 58.3% per cycle. But I think with unexplained I'm an even 50/50 chance. You just don't know! Anyway, not that these numbers change anything, but c'mon, I have to have something to obsess about! :) (Seriously, I've only looked at them a few times every few months.)

In front of me at end of July I have Day 3 labs, I start BCP's 5 days after my new cycle, and I have a Baseline Appt Aug 30. I went ahead and used FF miles to get a ticket that leaves Wednesday the 29th and returns home Thursday afternoon Aug 30th. I know what morning appts are like (over by 9 at the LATEST). They said there's no injection class or anything that day, so catching my plane should be a breeze. Even if I missed it I'd just stand by for others.

I am surprised once I made the decision to be open about IVF how easy it is to talk about and how I rarely receive criticism or unsolicited advice. I think maybe because I'm asked a few questions and perahps I rattle them so much with my medical terminology they're temporarily too stunned to say "How about adoption?" Plus, I do tell them if this IVF cycle fails, even if we have extra frozen embryos, we're going to go ahead with pursuing adoption. Both J and I think this is right.

We finally decided what to do with our frozen embryos if we both die. Our friends in SA who've gone through IVF and have embryos of their own - they get responsibility for them. We're leaving a document with set instructions (no discarding ever, $$$ set aside for 10 years of preserving embryos, instructions as to who to try to give them to & if no one wants them the embryo adoption agency we want). Obviously I don't want this to happen, but we have to be good stewards and provide for their future as we would any live children we had.

Here's where I wonder if you guys think this odd. We agree to give these embryos life, and if J dies, we want me to still try to have the rest of the embryos (or if unreasonable, put them up for embryo adoption I guess). Is that odd? I never want to BE in that situation. Explaining that would be so hard. Ah the decisions ART has you face!!!

Baseline Date!

Whoo-hoo! I got my baseline appointment date: August 30th! I start BCP's around the first of August, and last pill will be the 26th! I was afraid of having to take them for 2 months, but here it looks like 3-4 weeks! That makes me glad.

I'll fly out the 29th, early, for my peace of mind! Then I go in on the 30th at 6:30 for labs and an ultrasound. I've never had cysts that didn't leave the next cycle in my life, and with 2 months off meds, I could not imagine a problem (knock on wood!). I plan on flying out that afternoon back to GA. This means I get to spend Labor Day with my husband! Another thing to be grateful for. They can't tell me when I'll be back that next week, but I'm assuming Thursday/Friday. I'm glad I've done enough IUI's to predict somewhat how often I'm asked to come in.

I can't say how much this IVF has been a saving grace for my emotions. We are finally doing something agressive! It doesn't guarantee even a pregnancy, but we're trying! You see, when my cycle started this past Saturday, I wasn't upset and I didn't cry. Because it's just one more cycle closer to IVF. When I got home and checked a friend's blog (the friend who sent the sweet email on mother's day), I found out she's 9 weeks pregnant. I visited her last week in person and she said they were going to wait until late summer to try for #2. She had no idea (I totally don't relate to that)! When she'd told me that, I'd been thinking, "Good, maybe she'll only get pregnant a few weeks before my IVF and I won't find out until after mine is over and maybe we could be pregnant together. At least I don't have to find out before!" Ha! I was sincerely glad for her, and called her almost immediately. She was sweet. But late that night in bed, when I told my husband, the tears fell hard and fast. I don't know what it's like to be "surprised" by a pregnancy, and I certainly don't have the joy of producing a baby out of just the union of our love. And that pierces me deep down. As grateful as I am for IVF, I do mourn the loss of a dream.

But today, I made myself a pot of tea, went and got Day 3 labs drawn, and my annual gyn visit is this afternoon. That's the last thing to be done on our IVF checklist. Our check is sent & cashed, and now the waiting starts! Hooray. And in 2 days, I get to visit my family for July 4th and love on my 3rd old and 1 yr old nieces who I just adore!!!!

Sextuplets, High-Order Multiples and Hypocracy?

I never intended to post about the whole Michigan and Ohio sextuplet issue. So many others have and it's quite a heated topic of discussion. Many seem to have very specific opinions about what they might do in such a situation, and deliver judgement on the doctors and families involved.

I am not offering a commentary on their cases, but one fact that comes up in every single discussion is these couple's religious decision to "trust God with life." Many point out that they think these couples are hypocritical, inconsistent and selectively applying when to "play God." The critics say that because these couples indeed used some form of fertility treatment, that surely must be playing God. Basically it boils down to people communicating that if you're choosing to "help" God by trying to get pregnant un-naturally, then for consistency sake you must be willing to "help" God kill life to stay pregnant and keep the maximum number of babies alive and healthy.

Am I wrong? If I am, I welcome comments right now, but that's the gist of everyone's argument as I see it.

Now, here is what I want to say. These views in fact are NOT in discord with one another. Basically, in manners of bio-ethics, many religious people will hold to general ethical principles. Some might be: beneficence, nonmaleficence, autonomy, and justice (considering if something does good, does no harm, respects the persons involved, and does what is right and equitable). But underlying all these is Respect for the Sanctity of Life (at the one-cell stage). It is the foundation for all decisions.

As many of you know, with drugs, IUI's, and IVF a pregnancy and live baby are not guarantees! Doctors cannot (yet) create and sustain life. That is something that currently is in God's domain. This is why religious couples can seek fertility treatment and not consider themselves to be "playing God" or choosing who gets to live. They are pursuing life, and that's all they can do.

Once life has been created, be it in perfect circumstances, bad ones, doctor's foolishness: It Is Life. And life must be honored/respected. Biblically (not discussing a religion here, just based on the Bible only), there is not any way out of a quadrupet, sextuplet, etc pregnancy. There is not a provision for preemptively trying to save one person's life (the mother, the other babies) by destroying another's.

Couples like the Morrisons, Masches, etc tried to help create life, and life happened. But just because they decide they cannot end it does not argue for hypocracy on their part.

Now, I DO want to say that if there has been any foolishness or lack of thoughtful decision making on the parents' parts, they are responsible in a little way for every little life lost. I don't mean to be cold. But for ANY couple pursuing fertility treatments, if at any time they were given the risks and they proceeded recklessly (perhaps natural intercourse when an IUI with many follciles was canceled) with a "God will protect us" or "God knows what we can handle" or "Each child will be a blessing from God" this is foolish and not to be condoned. And I would categorize it as laziness and lack of maturity on the part of the parents'. Because ART involves creating risks that natural conception would not usually entail, it should be proceed with much thought, wisdom, and sobriety. No life (the mother's, the children in the womb) should be gambled with.

In religious circles, sometimes it is taught that couples can proceed with ART while complying with all the ethical principles if they honor life at the one-cell stage. I think/hope that is what is at the basis of why these couples chose against Selective Reduction.

Now, for all you dear ladies who have read this who actually have walked the sad path of considering SR or even choosing it, I sincerely hope I have not offended you. I am not trying to put forth a judgement or an opinion that ALL must follow. We have different religions! I cannot answer for you or your husband's conscience, as you cannot for mine. I live by the ethics and principles I believe, but my beliefs are my own. I do not look down on any woman who has had to face such a heart-wrenching decision. I do not believe you will be punished for your conscience's choice.

I really wanted to write this because I believe no one out there could get a grasp on why these famlies are perhaps not as hypocritical as many think. Now, flame me. :)

Nuthin Big Goin On Here

So... I got the call and it looks like my baseline apointment will be the last week in August.
The first week in September I'll need to be in San Antonio, because I'll start my stims & be in 2-3 times for ultrasounds and blood work. Personally, I enjoy the monitoring because it gives me a feeling of control as well as an early start on the day!
Then the 3rd week of September I'll have ER & possibly ET.
What didn't make sense to me was, what do I do the 2nd week of September? I guess I'm assuming there's a possibility the end of that week could be ER, I guess it just depends on WHEN in the 1st week of Sept I actually start stims.

All you IVF pros out there: What day did you start stims (CD1? CD3?) and what day was ER? I know it's different for everyone, but I'd like a general idea! :)

For what it's worth, I ovulated last night. I never cease to think perhaps this could be our lucky month. But there's a lot less pressure for it to be, knowing IVF is just 2 cycles away. I have to send our check in early next week, and once they have it if we cancel there's a $350 administrative fee if we have to cancel the cycle (like because of pregnancy). I could live with that if it happened.

On a totally non-IF related topic, we just received the claim back from our move. We claimed damage costs of $2065.49 and we received $1200.46. It was horrendous, with items stolen and broken all over the place. 60% of our major furniture was broken in some way. It was hard not to be angry about the poor payment received. One item they denied replacing was the front of my brand-new Titanium LG Freezer. The doors got dented (1 pretty bad) and they just gave $50 in cosmetic damage. To replace just one door was $250. So I don't have warm feelings toward them at the moment. Our first move was SO GOOD I had no idea you could have such a bad one. *sigh*

Shocked, Totally Shocked!!!

Um.... I got a call today from WH.... They offered me a lot in the August 2007 IVF program!!! I somehow never heard their call and then checked my voicemail. I figured they were telling me I got bumped into the Jan cycle... I almost fell out of my chair! I quickly told her YES!!!! The first thing to attend to is $2900 by the 4th week of June. All my 12 month tests are still good, but the 6 month ones have to be repeated. So for my I have to get blood drawn to test RPR, HIV, Hep B, Hep A, Hep C. J has to get tested for all that, plus do another SA. Poor him, and I don't even know where we'll do that. I'll get it figured out when I get my big packet of info, hopefully within a week.

So I'm extremely excited and at the same time timidly scared! I mean, I figured we'd at least get in 2 more IUI's before then! IVF seems so.... invasive. So serious. At times when I've lamented being "unexplained" I've thought I'd at least know more about my eggs/body/system and it's interaction with J's sperm if we could just do IVF! But now that it's on the horizon, I feel like I kinda didn't want to be here this fast. And yet, when the choices are August 07 or April 08, I'd choose August any day. But it at least gives me a small bit of hesitancy in my joy. Plus, let's all be real with ourselves here: IVF does not guarantee a baby. So there really isn't a reason for unabandoned excitement, with every treatment cautious optimism is a good frame of mind to be in. So that's where I am. I did not want to have to attempt to conceive a baby with lots of drugs, minor surgery, anesthesia (which I'm scared of), and a petri dish. I wanted babies conceived within my body. But I haven't been given that blessing, and so I seek after what's open to me: Medical Intervetion.

I created a tag called IVF. I never saw myself getting to that point....

Month 23 of TTC Starts

So wow, here is month 23. I'm ahead of some of you, and behind a good many too. But we're all in the exact same spot - a position we little dreamed we'd be in, praying and hoping desperately to be out of.

Anyway, can I say I love my doctor in San Antonio? I do. I got in touch with him on my worries about my rising FSH. I actually felt bad about calling, so I got his email. I emailed him and I think it was 45 seconds later he called me! I was actually scared to pick up the phone, because I guess I sensed deep down that if it really were a problem, they would have caught it and told me. He basically.... well, honestly he laughed at me. Which I didn't appreciate but it was ok. He did tell me levels will fluctuate (I insisted, "But mine are only fluctutating up!"), and that mine weren't moving enough to be concerned. That just because they moved 1.3 in 8 months wouldn't mean they'd do that the next 8 months. And then he says (as he looks at my file - he had me wait as he went and got it), "You're so young!" It made me laugh. I mean, I guess if I were 21 and married a few years and TTC for 2 years without success, I could at least understand him saying that. But I'm closer to 30 that I am 20. 26. That's more than halfway. Anyway, you may wonder why I like him so much when it doesn't sound like he took me serious. But I feel like he's always listened and has a good track record with me. Plus, WH has really good results on how good their doctors/residents, IVF success rates, etc are. The doctor did his residency at a very prestigous clinic for pete's sake! So, though I didn't appreciate that he didn't at least seem concerned, I do believe he has the medical knowledge and I don't. When I was all worried about the radiologists report on my HSG (which he & another RE disagreed with), they still let me do a hysteroscopy to make sure it was ok. So I feel they do listen when there's room for doubt.

Plus, we started talking about my next visit doing another Clomid/Gonal-f combined treatment just like last time. I asked about going straight to just Gonal-f and he explained reasons they'd want another combined cycle or 2. Then he went on to tell me that IF I did an only Gonal-f cycle, I should at least try do it in when the clinic is doing IVF because then there'd be a possibility of converting to an IVF if I had too many follicles, rather than just canceling me, since that IVF cycle would be only bumping me up one cycle. then he suggested since all my tests expire in August, I need to go ahead if I come in July/Aug to get them repeated when I'm already in town so that when my IVF time comes around, I'll have it all done. That probably saved me a whole trip to San Antonio! His forethought is so apprecaited! Anyway, he's really what's made me not hate WH. I definitely used to.

I did call Womack this Thursday to check on the referral, since my MTF just kept telling me they'd sent it and not to expect news this soon. Sure enough, Womack never received it! The nurse kindly told me to give my MTF the exact fax and try again, but that she'd talk to the doctor anyway about if/when I could do treatments there. I'd welcome a sooner IVF date or a few IUI's, it'd be much closer than WH. We could theoretically do one this month, if Womack said so. It's a 6 hour drive, or for J just a few hour flight (he'd fly himself). I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'd LOVE an IUI this month. Plus I just love Gonal-f shots! It actually feels like I'm doing something helpful.

That's all my news. We'll see what this week holds in store. Because my brother visited here this weekend, I was too busy visiting, cooking, and being happy to even care that my cycle started. :)

Drats....

So yeah even though when TTC non-medicated, non-high-tech, we still always have this glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe we'll be like Angie (and others, I just can't remember them at the time!).... we'll luck out and be one of those happy people who kinda hit the lottery in IF. (Karen and Suz know all about what can be referred to as "hitting the lottery" (high order multiples), that it's anything but, right gals?!)

Anyway, this is my way of saying at 12 DPO my temp shot down by 0.9. So yeah, I can expect AF tomorrow or Thursday. I'm anywhere from a 13 to 15 day LP, with 14 as the norm. I'm a little disappointed, but honestly didn't "count" on being pregnant. There is actually a difference between hoping and expecting.

J and I had some profitable conversations 2 nights in a row about IF. Firstly, I'm going to ask Dr. J about the FSH levels and if I should worry. Secondly, he's told me a few times that he feels he's defaulted leadership in our family regarding IF. He's let me choose when to do treatment, etc and basically thought since I was WAY more educated he should let me do that. Anyway, I love when he gets involved and talks about it with me, and I'd be glad for him to take a more active leadership position here. He said he plans on fasting two days this week to spend some specific time praying over this and seeing if he can get some sense of what we need to do next. More than likely I'd imagine we'd stay on the course of a few more IUI's before IVF next year. But how I hate the wait!

Womack still hasn't sent any info on the referral status. And with a new cycle just around the corner, this doesn't make me thrilled, but I'm content to not rage about it.

I got word of 3 pregnancies last week (1 the week before), and 1 baby born last week. It was actually to a friend of mine w/ secondary IF, so I don't begrudge her at all. I was delighted for her. However, we emailed quite a bit during her struggle, and then at about her 2nd trimester she stopped emailing/replying. I felt rather... hurt. Pregnancies used to hurt a lot, but now they don't so much - what hurts is when the baby is actually born. Because I look at the pictures and think, "I remember when she got pregnant! I was still trying then... I was doing X treatment... And here I am, 9 months later, nothing to show for it." It stings in a place deep down, at times paralyzing me with thoughts of despair and feelings of sheer, utter, numbing inadequacy and brokenness. If nothing's wrong with J's sperm, then isn't my body failing? Aren't I broken? I certainly feel it, yet without any glimmer of hope for what to do to change it. So goes the world of "unexplained" infertility.

I didn't mean to end on a sad note. I'm not as sad as I sound. Actually, that's a lie. I am. But I've shoved it deep down while I pray hard for perspective and patience.

What Do You Know About LH Levels?

Ok I have done what every RE must hate: I looked at - no, scrutinized - my charts. I can't find much info out there on Dr. Google, so I figured you ladies in the online community may know much more!!

I don't like my LH levels, on CD3 or 4. I think they're just too high. Here's all the draws I've had that I have record of:

8/06 CD3: 8.4
10/06 CD4: 9.5
4/07 CD4: 11.9

That one in April really bugs me. It was after 3 months/cycles of no meds. The 1st draw in 8/06 was my 1st RE appt, so again, no meds in my life. It just looks like it's getting "worse". Why? Should I worry. I'll post my FSH levels on those draws, which I know are more important, but they don't worry me.

8/06 CD3: 6.6
10/06 CD4: 7.2
4/07 CD4: 7.9

Actually, now that I freakin look at it, that is slowly rising too! AGH! Do I worry in vain????? I feel like crying but since that won't do a single thing to help what's going on here, I feel like: Why bother?

***UPDATE*** Thanks for the suggestion, Andrea. I think they only way I've been "checked" for PCOS was the CD3 or CD4 ultrasounds. I usually have 5-6 little follicles on each side, and it doesn't have the "string of pearl" look. I did ask the dr's specifically about my FSH:LH ratio and he said it was quite normal to see a more than 1:1 ratio but as long as it wasn't close to 2:1 it was ok. Plus I have NO other side effects of PCOS. :/ But thanks for the suggestion!!!

5 DPO & No News

Just wanted to at least say I'm here and all. 5 DPO and not caring at all, in terms of looking for illusive "symptoms." I think they're a myth, honestly!

The incompetent Air Force referral system here is incredibly slow. Remember my referral request was submitted to my local MTF Tuesday 5/8. I called for a status every 2-3 days. I got what sounded like being pushed-off/lied to, since no one was really doing their jobs. ByMonday 5/14 I was told they were waiting for Womack's fax line, which I had but they didn't want from me. Finally by Friday 5/18 Womack actually got the referral. Unfortunately, the MTF to MTF referall lady I check in with at our base knows me by my voice and name without even looking at my chart. :( I think she's a bit annoyed, "No Mrs. Impatient, don't expect any news, I'll call you when there is." I just can't leave it, I'm the one this matters to, and too many people slack off or honestly get overwhelmed.

The waiting is hard, and yet not. I don't even know if we were accepted right away whether we could make any use of that. J starts training that 1st week of June and may not be able to take any days off for an IUI. The great thing is he has both his VFR and IFR pilot's licenses so he can fly himself up to Fayetteville and then fly himself back all in the same day (if necessary). I'm glad for the lack of pressure I feel personally in regard to TTC with medical help.

Besides, today is my birthday and I'm going to an oh-so-fancy-French restaurant with my dear husband. I shall indulge in at least one terrific martini. Cheers!!!

Referrals Take a While....

I didn't realize how long referrals from MTF to MTF actually took. After a few calls to WH I finally got someone and realized they don't do referrals. So I called my PCM (Primary Care Manager) and got them to put the referral in. Now, when I did this in Texas at Brooks, the referral was submitted 5/30 and accepted that same day. I guess I expected too much. :/ This one was started Tuesday, but got bounced everywhere, and here it's Monday and not yet submitted to Womack. I called and finally got someone and they told me they're waiting to get Womack's fax number to submit the referral. They told me it usually takes another week to review and accept me. I'm glad I started this so early out (in May on our non-medicate cycle), so that I'm not stressing about it being accepted by any particular time-frame. I really need to remember how much red tape there is everywhere and let my expectations down a bit.

Other than that, nothing else new to report. Interestingly enough, Mother's Day has never ever been hard for me. I've actually never related my desire for a child and infertility to Mother's Day. Mother's Day to me has been about my mother. I have a wonderful mother and want to bless and praise her on Mother's Day. So I never feel cheated. But I did get an email from a friend last night just telling me she was thinking and praying for me because she knows Mother's Day can be hard for people like me. This was incredibly sweet and caring, especially considering this is her 2nd Mother's Day without her mom, who she lost to cancer. Unbelievable she'd think of someone else's loss when her own must feel so great. So I cried because it hurts sometimes when you feel constantly overlooked and an outcast to your "friends" because they all conceive easily and you're the one who makes them uncomfortable because you remind them that life's not always picture perfect. And I cried for my selfishness since I have a mother and this sweet girl doesn't, yet I can be so upset over my infertility. Life's such a confusion. I will write her back today, but not yet. Not ready yet.....

Anonymity?

Since I'm new to this whole bloging about our TTC and my feelings, I'm still figuring my way around. I've kept my personal blog separate from this one for the sake of anonymity, and as you see I don't refer to my name and my husband is simply J. I will mention specific places where I go for treatment, because I don't think that's giving too much info away. I don't want to mention specific dr's names, but since the practice there is so small, I bet I'll be creating nicknames for the doctors, to be able to differentiate them yet not reveal their identity.
Any other advice on keeping the blog ananymous? I mean, I suppose if anyone I knew in real life stumbled upon this it might be pretty easy to figure out this was us. (although I don't know how that'd happen since I figure you'd have to be blog surfing or searching specifically for TTC stuff) Anyway, how to you ladies all do it?

Waiting for the Phone Call

I'm a little annoyed at WH for not returning my call yesterday. They only have an answering service, not a direct way to reach them. Supposedly if you leave a message before 1530 they'll call you that day. Whatever. All I want is the referral to Womack. If I don't hear anything by this afternoon, I'll just call my PCM here and see what they can do. I guess I just know they'll tell me I need an appointment, which just seems unnecessary. I've been TTC for 22 months, and had 8 months of failed infertility treatments (well, 5 total, the 8 includes the breaks). When I got my referral to WH, all the doctor did was ask a few questions. Anyway, I'm obviously not in a terrible hurry since this month is off (medically speaking), but the sooner things are on their way with Womack, the sooner I may get on their IVF list. I don't want to bug their nurse with asking how long the list is, until my referral actually has gone through. I know WH won't even talk to you if your referral isn't through.

A Natural Cycle...

Well, today is CD3 and I have another natural, non medicated cycle in front of me. This is the last month J could travel until August-ish without disrupting his training schedule. I have brothers graduating from college & high school these next two weekends, which means 7hr car trips to NC for those. So traveling to Texas for another IUI is really out of the question. I'm resigned, but sad. I (mentally) have almost no hope for natural cycles work. If a medicated cycle with 3-4 eggs & an IUI where millions of sperm are getting straight into the uterus doesn't work, why would a natural cycle work? I know it's possible, but the cards are stacked against me.

I am going to try another Military Treatment Facility that's only 6 hours away, not a plane-trip. Maybe then we could do a June IUI, since J would only have to miss maybe one day of training/work? I don't know if I can even get in. Seriously, I just want to try an all injectable IUI cycle once more, and then I'd rather move to IVF.

On the bright side, a dear friend mailed me some fabulous coffee from Tacoma,WA. Wowie, this stuff is amazing! I'm drinking it black and loving life, at least the coffee part of it.

IUI #3 Failure

So uh, IUI #3 was a failure. I didn't expect it and yet I did. I tested two days ago and the presence of one red line told me everything I needed to anticipate. Combine that with a drastic temp drop and it was confirmed. I splurged on a Venti (I never get Venti) Cinnamon Dolce Latte. And wine. And a martini. Two actually. We were at the beach for vacation, which is loads better than being at home trying to work with such news.

Three days before my IUI, when I was at WH, Dr J told me "Now you know, the increased chances are only with only Gonal-f, not Gonal-f and clomid combined." Huh, I didn't know that. Not that I would have changed anything, I was too afraid of being canceled, having only every tried clomid and had great responses. So, I guess I was expecting this. Next time though, I'll go to Gonal-f alone, if I have any say-so.

Intro

This is my first post on a blog completely dedicated to my walk through infertility. It's taken a long time to get to this point. By the time infertility was taking over my entire thought life and my endless internet research lead me to many IF blogs, I kept figuring "this month" would be the cycle I'd get pregnant. I delayed starting a blog because I was sure at any moment I'd find myself pregant, with only a handful of entries in my blog. I'd be a fool, a fake, an impetuous girl who never really had a fertility problem except her impatience to get pregnant as fast as her friends did!

Ah, but here I am, about to start month 22 of trying to conceive. I'm real, I'm a tried-and-true IF kind of girl, and I'm facing reality. I've had the same reticence to actually take the plunge and become a VIP member on FertilityFriend. I know many people hate "charting" (although the Fertility Awareness Method is much more than just taking your BBT). I however, love it. Because it gives me a sense of understanding what my body is doing. I'm not the same ridiculous Optimist I was when I started out. I no longer even care about "symptoms" in the Two Week Wait. I used to post giddily about implantation dips in my chart, about sore breasts, nausea and fatigue. Every pregnancy test stared back at my with one Red Line. Mocking me. Now when I have symptoms, I just ignore them. I tell myself (& my husband) it's all the progesterone from the corpus luteum. And I almost believe it.

I still take 1-2 early pregnancy tests per cycle. Usually at 10 and 12 DPO. I've found I desperately want to know if I ever have a chemical pregnancy, and it prepares me much better for the upcoming start of a new cycle to know it's coming. It's not really a surprise. That way I'm not swearing and throwing things in the bathroom at that moment.

My situation is unique in that I'm an active duty military spouse. All who deal with infertility and treatments deal with Insurance issues! Being in the military means this: in order to get any infertility diagnosis/treatments (drugs, IUI's, IVF, tests, etc) I must go to a Military Treatment Facility (MTF) that actually offers that. There are about 6 in America. Since there are so few of them, and a large number of military wives with IF troubles, they're very busy. However, if you can get into one, it's virtually free. IVF costs you, but under 5K. Everything else is covered - tests, drugs, you name it! However, there's little specilization in your treatment. It's their way or the highway. You can ask for different protocols or tests or whatnot, but getting them is unlikely. If I do not choose to use a MTF, insurance covers nothing. Many ladies know how expensive out-of-pocked infertility treatments are.

I may back-post a few entries, mainly because I hate this being so short.