Drats....

So yeah even though when TTC non-medicated, non-high-tech, we still always have this glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe we'll be like Angie (and others, I just can't remember them at the time!).... we'll luck out and be one of those happy people who kinda hit the lottery in IF. (Karen and Suz know all about what can be referred to as "hitting the lottery" (high order multiples), that it's anything but, right gals?!)

Anyway, this is my way of saying at 12 DPO my temp shot down by 0.9. So yeah, I can expect AF tomorrow or Thursday. I'm anywhere from a 13 to 15 day LP, with 14 as the norm. I'm a little disappointed, but honestly didn't "count" on being pregnant. There is actually a difference between hoping and expecting.

J and I had some profitable conversations 2 nights in a row about IF. Firstly, I'm going to ask Dr. J about the FSH levels and if I should worry. Secondly, he's told me a few times that he feels he's defaulted leadership in our family regarding IF. He's let me choose when to do treatment, etc and basically thought since I was WAY more educated he should let me do that. Anyway, I love when he gets involved and talks about it with me, and I'd be glad for him to take a more active leadership position here. He said he plans on fasting two days this week to spend some specific time praying over this and seeing if he can get some sense of what we need to do next. More than likely I'd imagine we'd stay on the course of a few more IUI's before IVF next year. But how I hate the wait!

Womack still hasn't sent any info on the referral status. And with a new cycle just around the corner, this doesn't make me thrilled, but I'm content to not rage about it.

I got word of 3 pregnancies last week (1 the week before), and 1 baby born last week. It was actually to a friend of mine w/ secondary IF, so I don't begrudge her at all. I was delighted for her. However, we emailed quite a bit during her struggle, and then at about her 2nd trimester she stopped emailing/replying. I felt rather... hurt. Pregnancies used to hurt a lot, but now they don't so much - what hurts is when the baby is actually born. Because I look at the pictures and think, "I remember when she got pregnant! I was still trying then... I was doing X treatment... And here I am, 9 months later, nothing to show for it." It stings in a place deep down, at times paralyzing me with thoughts of despair and feelings of sheer, utter, numbing inadequacy and brokenness. If nothing's wrong with J's sperm, then isn't my body failing? Aren't I broken? I certainly feel it, yet without any glimmer of hope for what to do to change it. So goes the world of "unexplained" infertility.

I didn't mean to end on a sad note. I'm not as sad as I sound. Actually, that's a lie. I am. But I've shoved it deep down while I pray hard for perspective and patience.