Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Drats....

So yeah even though when TTC non-medicated, non-high-tech, we still always have this glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe we'll be like Angie (and others, I just can't remember them at the time!).... we'll luck out and be one of those happy people who kinda hit the lottery in IF. (Karen and Suz know all about what can be referred to as "hitting the lottery" (high order multiples), that it's anything but, right gals?!)

Anyway, this is my way of saying at 12 DPO my temp shot down by 0.9. So yeah, I can expect AF tomorrow or Thursday. I'm anywhere from a 13 to 15 day LP, with 14 as the norm. I'm a little disappointed, but honestly didn't "count" on being pregnant. There is actually a difference between hoping and expecting.

J and I had some profitable conversations 2 nights in a row about IF. Firstly, I'm going to ask Dr. J about the FSH levels and if I should worry. Secondly, he's told me a few times that he feels he's defaulted leadership in our family regarding IF. He's let me choose when to do treatment, etc and basically thought since I was WAY more educated he should let me do that. Anyway, I love when he gets involved and talks about it with me, and I'd be glad for him to take a more active leadership position here. He said he plans on fasting two days this week to spend some specific time praying over this and seeing if he can get some sense of what we need to do next. More than likely I'd imagine we'd stay on the course of a few more IUI's before IVF next year. But how I hate the wait!

Womack still hasn't sent any info on the referral status. And with a new cycle just around the corner, this doesn't make me thrilled, but I'm content to not rage about it.

I got word of 3 pregnancies last week (1 the week before), and 1 baby born last week. It was actually to a friend of mine w/ secondary IF, so I don't begrudge her at all. I was delighted for her. However, we emailed quite a bit during her struggle, and then at about her 2nd trimester she stopped emailing/replying. I felt rather... hurt. Pregnancies used to hurt a lot, but now they don't so much - what hurts is when the baby is actually born. Because I look at the pictures and think, "I remember when she got pregnant! I was still trying then... I was doing X treatment... And here I am, 9 months later, nothing to show for it." It stings in a place deep down, at times paralyzing me with thoughts of despair and feelings of sheer, utter, numbing inadequacy and brokenness. If nothing's wrong with J's sperm, then isn't my body failing? Aren't I broken? I certainly feel it, yet without any glimmer of hope for what to do to change it. So goes the world of "unexplained" infertility.

I didn't mean to end on a sad note. I'm not as sad as I sound. Actually, that's a lie. I am. But I've shoved it deep down while I pray hard for perspective and patience.

5 comments:

Ann said...

You mention how you hate the wait--that's my least favorite part of this whole process, too. We still have many steps to go in our infertility journey. But when I think about how long it could take before we would even start thinking about adoption, it just makes me want to cry! I have PCOS, too, so each failed cycle is not just wasting 28 days; more like 45-50 days.

Jackie said...

hey I have a response to your comment in email form, can you send me your email address? thanks! Jackie

CAM said...

You are not alone in your stinging feelings. Everytime we see someone get pregnant it is a reminder of what we cannot do (yet). I am sad for you about your friend that stopped emailing. I wonder why? This whole process is trying and painful not only for us but for our friends and family and everyone reacts to these things differently. I have a friend that when she announced her first pregnancy it was my first realization that something was "wrong." Now she is pregnant with her third! And...here I sit. If you find persepective and patience please send me some! Wishing you the best :)

Karen said...

I'm the opposite of you... the pregnancy and especially the pregnancy announcement stings. Even now, when I'm pregnant with my lottery-winning triplets, the pregnancy announcement hits me hard. But babies? No problem.

I don't begrudge any other woman her pregnancy. I don't believe there's a limited amount of fertility in this world... another woman's pregnancy does not equal one less chance for me. But it does hurt deep down. A lot.

And yet... the baby? No problem. I love babies. All babies. And I'm all for having them all around.

andrea_jennine said...

So glad your husband is desiring to be more involved! We have definitely found that hard to balance, as I'm the one doing all the research, but I'm glad to help my husband to understand what I'm learning so that he can lead us.