Yeah... Bad Day.

My precious little kitty, who was about 11 months old, died today. She was always very tiny, when I got her spayed in October, and she only weighed 3 lbs they told me she probably had something wrong internally... To be an adult cat, and yet to be so small and stunted in growth. Anyway.... I'd been so very busy with work, working past midnight last night and not even showering until noon today because I'd been working since 7 with back to back conference calls and projects due. *sigh* I didn't check on her until about 3 and she was curled up in a corner, dieing. I know what a dieing animal looks like, I've seen a goat die right in front of me (mine, incidentally). I scooped her up and put her in the softest, warmest towel I had and rushed her to the vet. They did what they could, but she died 30 minutes later. The vet said it seemed like liver failure, because she had a hard lump where they liver is, and was hemmoraghing under her skin (I think, it's vague). Anyway.... that was so hard to take. She has been my little companion since J left, sleeping in my room each night and curling up on my lap as I worked or watched a movie at night. I feel so upset and alone, with no one to even give me a hug. I just hate that it happened. I've never had a cat die on me.... She was so small and precious. I don't want any more animals.... I don't want to have anything else to cry over right now.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.

He's Gone

Yes, my husband letft yesterday.... We knew it would be hard, but we had no idea it would be this hard. I miss that man SO MUCH!!!! We are both totally so in love, it's just obviously so hard because we cannot live without one another... We really had a hard time Saturday, saying goodbye. On Fridya night my husband and I saw no point in going to bed, because we wanted to spend as much time awake with one another as possible. We did eventually sleep, but my husband had set the alarm so 5:30 so we'd be sure to have a good, full morning together. And we did. It was beautiful, perfect, and precious. But we did have to say goodbye... It was so hard to just maintian composure!!!

I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.

I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!

Absent

Sorry I've been absent... This month has been busy. And now, in just a few days my husband will deploy for a ~70 day stint to the Middle East. I've been spending all my excess time with him... We even went this weekend to a lovely, luxurious mountain cabin in south-western NC. It was magical, and so perfect. But now we're back and counting down the days.

I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.

I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.

We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.

I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.

Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.

After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!

Chart Readers Welcomed!

Ok so this month's chart was unlike any other I've ever had. My Luteal Phase is always 13-15 days long. Usually my new cycle's start day is accompanied with a temp dip (or the following day is).

So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.

I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.

However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???

***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722

13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom

The hoildays were actually extremely wonderful. Acutally, I've discovered there's nothing like not being home to talke my mind away from how different our life is from what I'd like it to be. Being away, surrounded by the bustle of family, in-laws, nieces, and a constant stream of friends coming and going, it's so easy to just live in the moment and have fun. It's easy to forget, because it's so busy... But then, coming home to a house with just 2 of us, where I work in a home-office, and once again having about 8 hours alone-time a day as I work, then preparing dinners and cleaning and doing laundry in solitude, gives me TOO MUCH time to think. Too much time to realize how quiet and empty our home is. Too much time to get discouraged. It's just true.

However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.

This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.

Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.

So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.

And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.