Today, I noticed online that my insurance had received claims on my 10/13 ER visit. I figured if claims were submitted, then whatever was done with the tissue from the miscarriage had been taken care of. Either it was tested or not.
So I called the hospital. "Yes, you have a report from pathology that you can come by and sign a medical release form for." So, scared and relieved, I headed out the door immediately. I didn't know how to feel. Would we have an answer? I kept telling myself there may have not been enough tissue to test (although there looked like a complete, 6 week embryo there, seriously). Just like this (warning, it is rather graphic.).
Got to the hopsital, got the report. Irritating. Basically said, "Sectioning through the fragments reveal no obvious fetal parts or placental parenchyma." Bleh. The specimen was saved in formalin and reviewed on Monday morning, as it was about 31 hours old. Theoretically should have been fine. Honestly, the hospital here is NOT advanced at all. In the sticks. Behind the times.
Now thinking about it, I think all they were trying to do was histopathology (confirm that indeed there was a pregnancy). Which they can't even get right! Terribly frustrating, as if someone is trying to tell me I wasn't pregnant based on those remains. The dr on call even removed the placental tissue after the miscarriage as I was examined. Anyway, so it didn't help, but at least if it happens again I will say "I want a karyotyping - count the chromosomes! You have to send this off somewhere, but do it!" Of course, I'm concerned about them getting my tissue in there & testing that instead of the baby's if that happened. Don't know how to go about that. Maybe I'll never have to worry?
Now, here's something to go over. My husband's mom has had EIGHT miscarriages (3 miscarriages, 2 kids, 2 miscarraiges, 3 kids, 3 miscarraiges, 1 kid). Six live children, the last when she was 41 has Down Syndrome. She says the Downs is Trisomy 21 (94% of cases), not mosaicism or translocation (i.e. not genetic or hereditary). But you see, all this bothers me. J's mom: 8 miscarriages & a DS baby. J&me: infertility & a miscarraige. I want to get tested for balanced translocations. It's possible his mom or dad have a blanced translocation and the miscarried babies were unbalanced. Of course, I guess the DS doesn't support this anymore, but still. His mom did tell me they thought maybe her miscarriages were from low progesterone (but she never pursued shots - which I don't get after miscarrying so many times I'd go to hell and back to try to prevent it). She lost all between 8-11 weeks (with 1-13 weeker in there). Um, thoughts, you with experience? That seems late to lose from progesterone problems. My reading says if you have low progesterone, if you don't start taking it from the time of ovulation, it won't help. You have to start at conception. Am I right?????
I got the referral to a "local" RE (i.e. 94 miles away, which sucks b/c if it were 100 miles, insurance would COVER gas charges!). Can't get them to pick up their phone or return messages, but it's my ONLY choice. I at least want testing for that, clotting disorder, antibodies, if I can. Plus further testing on "unexplained" that WH won't do since they only do real basic stuff. We'll see. I don't like the clinic b/c it's so small (1 dr), but I'll take it over nothing. And apparently that's my choice.
I don't really feel like getting into my feelings. Today has been really good though. I cried, but not a sorry-for-myself or depressed cry. Just sad. I guess I like having something to work towards. Back on the TTC wagon. Oops, it's dark and husband will be returning from hunting. Must go fix dinner. More later.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Google Searches - Answers Here!
I always get such fun out of looking at how people find my blog. Some searches are interesting, some downright funny, some cause me to cringe with the innocence of the searcher, and some make me want to cry. In honor of the searchers who've found my blog but maybe didn't get quick answers, look not further here are some good ones.
1. is ganirelix a hsg trigger shot? - No it's not. Galirilex is a GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone) antagon. GnRH is produced by your hypothalamus, and if I understand correctly, as estrogen increases from the multiple eggs maturing, the hypothalaums produces GnRH to tell your body decrease FSH production ("Don't work so hard at maturing eggs, we have enough!). Ganirilex supresses the GnRH from signaling so that in IVF all the possible eggs will be fully mature. It's only taken the last few days of FSH shots (Follistim, Gonal-f), as that's when it's needed to supress GnRH. You trigger shot will come probably on your last day of stimulating drugs and will be pure or recombinant HCG (Ovidrel, Novarel, Pregnyl). Y our dose will probably be 5000 or 10,000 units intramuscularly.
2. 4 dpo what to expect now and 4 dpo symptoms - None. Or rather, none related to pregnancy. You don't get pregnant quite that early, although you could have a fertilized embryo in there, it wouldn't have implanted, thus you'd have no HCG in your blood, thus no reason for symptoms. You will have progesterone in your body from the ovulated egg(s)' corpus luteus, though, which reaks havoc on the hormones. Don't drive yourself crazy looking at every symptom.
3. 5 weeks pregnant after ivf did anyone had ultrasound scan - I wish! Next time I want one 5-6 weeks in. My first cramp was at 5w2d and I wonder if our baby died that day. Multiple ob's wouldn't see me until 7 weeks and I miscarried at 6w4d. I won't wait that long again. Everyone is different, but if you have a reason to get seen before, try to use it. Otherwise, you probably just have to wait.
4. blog for hysteroscopy - Well, my blog only has one entry for this, but it was a really good experience for me. I've often been so glad with "unexplained" that I KNOW I don't have things in my uterus keeping babies from implanting. You often wonder with BFN after BFN. Ask any questions if you want.
5. can a positive hpt 9 days after embryo transfer be reliable? - Well, if you didn't test the trigger out of your system, I wouldn't rely on it. 10,000 units can stay in your body up to 10 days, I think. Keep testing, and if the lines get darker, you're pregnant! :)
6. can the guy have morning sickness - Unless you gave him a HCG shot, no. *snickers*
7. clomid iui trigger triplets - Congratulations and yet, I'm sorry, because I know the risks. Be glad you're not like Suz who got quads on unmonitored Clomid and nothing else! Unmonitored clomid is scary.
8. do you still feel morning sickness if you have already lost the embryo - First off, I am so sorry you even had reason to search for this. I hope you were only worried of losing the embryo but it didn't occur. If the embryo has left your body, I don't think you can still have it, although a miscarriage can wreak havoc with your hormones and emotions. *sigh* But if you haven't miscarrried the baby and yet it's not alive inside you, you can definitely have awful morning sickness, because in a missed miscarriage there is still HCG in your system.
9. has anyone got pregnant with a 6 cell, day 3 embryo - Yes! We put back a 3 day, 6 cell embryo (Grade B, with A being the best) and a 3 day, 5 cell (Grade B). I got pregnant, not sure from which one. I did miscarry, but I was pregnant for a little while.
That's all for now. In a few days I'll post an update on how I'm doing. Overall, better. Bad times and good times. You guys are great.
1. is ganirelix a hsg trigger shot? - No it's not. Galirilex is a GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone) antagon. GnRH is produced by your hypothalamus, and if I understand correctly, as estrogen increases from the multiple eggs maturing, the hypothalaums produces GnRH to tell your body decrease FSH production ("Don't work so hard at maturing eggs, we have enough!). Ganirilex supresses the GnRH from signaling so that in IVF all the possible eggs will be fully mature. It's only taken the last few days of FSH shots (Follistim, Gonal-f), as that's when it's needed to supress GnRH. You trigger shot will come probably on your last day of stimulating drugs and will be pure or recombinant HCG (Ovidrel, Novarel, Pregnyl). Y our dose will probably be 5000 or 10,000 units intramuscularly.
2. 4 dpo what to expect now and 4 dpo symptoms - None. Or rather, none related to pregnancy. You don't get pregnant quite that early, although you could have a fertilized embryo in there, it wouldn't have implanted, thus you'd have no HCG in your blood, thus no reason for symptoms. You will have progesterone in your body from the ovulated egg(s)' corpus luteus, though, which reaks havoc on the hormones. Don't drive yourself crazy looking at every symptom.
3. 5 weeks pregnant after ivf did anyone had ultrasound scan - I wish! Next time I want one 5-6 weeks in. My first cramp was at 5w2d and I wonder if our baby died that day. Multiple ob's wouldn't see me until 7 weeks and I miscarried at 6w4d. I won't wait that long again. Everyone is different, but if you have a reason to get seen before, try to use it. Otherwise, you probably just have to wait.
4. blog for hysteroscopy - Well, my blog only has one entry for this, but it was a really good experience for me. I've often been so glad with "unexplained" that I KNOW I don't have things in my uterus keeping babies from implanting. You often wonder with BFN after BFN. Ask any questions if you want.
5. can a positive hpt 9 days after embryo transfer be reliable? - Well, if you didn't test the trigger out of your system, I wouldn't rely on it. 10,000 units can stay in your body up to 10 days, I think. Keep testing, and if the lines get darker, you're pregnant! :)
6. can the guy have morning sickness - Unless you gave him a HCG shot, no. *snickers*
7. clomid iui trigger triplets - Congratulations and yet, I'm sorry, because I know the risks. Be glad you're not like Suz who got quads on unmonitored Clomid and nothing else! Unmonitored clomid is scary.
8. do you still feel morning sickness if you have already lost the embryo - First off, I am so sorry you even had reason to search for this. I hope you were only worried of losing the embryo but it didn't occur. If the embryo has left your body, I don't think you can still have it, although a miscarriage can wreak havoc with your hormones and emotions. *sigh* But if you haven't miscarrried the baby and yet it's not alive inside you, you can definitely have awful morning sickness, because in a missed miscarriage there is still HCG in your system.
9. has anyone got pregnant with a 6 cell, day 3 embryo - Yes! We put back a 3 day, 6 cell embryo (Grade B, with A being the best) and a 3 day, 5 cell (Grade B). I got pregnant, not sure from which one. I did miscarry, but I was pregnant for a little while.
That's all for now. In a few days I'll post an update on how I'm doing. Overall, better. Bad times and good times. You guys are great.
Monday, October 22, 2007
How Things Are
Week #2 has started. I feel like I just lived through losing the baby. J and I were talking last night and he feels like it's been ages ago. It's just different, the long-term effect. I knew it would be and that is ok with me. He is over his grief for the most part while I still am experiencing it in a real way.
Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.
Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.
But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...
I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.
So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.
I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.
So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.
Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.
Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.
But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...
I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.
So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.
I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.
So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Post-Miscarriage Perspective
So, I've almost completed a full work-week since we lost our baby. It's been harder and easier than I anticipated. I did not talk to people and return calls (on the phone) aside from family until Wednesday night. Then I at least felt up to calling back my old friend & life-group leader's wife. It was a good conversation. She let me say everything I felt like saying... I talked about how the miscarriage happened, my daily struggles, my hurt spirit, and our grief over losing this baby after IVF. She never offered any "advice" or tried to help me see a "silver lining" she just listened! She did offer some praise for how we were handling this, which when you feel like you're drowning and failing in misery and sorrow, was welcome to hear. She did mention since I'm not really struggling with anger or questioning God, I might struggle with weariness of this long trial. Totally nailed it, without my ever having recognized it. We are weary of struggling to have a family. With that comes a sort of numbness to "What's next." IVF #2? 7 months away? All right, whatever. I need perspective and hope renewed in my heart, because for now I'm just weary. But knowing what you need is half the battle... right?
On the other hand, I tried to call another friend yesterday, but the conversation was anything but helpful. I know she cares & loves us. No question there. But she was in such a hurry to tell me "you sound like you're doing really good." I felt like she didn't really want me to talk and mainly was interested in hearing anything good... in a hurry to reassure herself I was fine. I felt that way on the phone with another person that day too. So I stopped conversing and let them fill in the rest of the call with whatever they wanted. She even asked, "What's been the most comforting to you?" And honestly, when people tell me they're praying for comfort, I feel like yelling "I don't need comforting!" Definition literally means "to make comfortable", but also means "soothe, console, reassure, relieve in affliction." Am I being crazy? I don't want to be comfortable, reassured, and I cannot be relieved of this! I want perspective and I want grace to handle this. I want hope for the future. But grief is grief! I can't stop missing our baby, but I can sorrow over it less as time fades that grief. I can be assured God loves our child and us, so He will cause this to work for good (Rom 8:28). But comfort? No.
I actually want to address this gently to my sweet friends, generally anyway. But I don't yet have a good enough handle on what I need instead of comfort (in a less verbose way of what I said above). Thoughts, sweet friends who have gone before me here?
I do actually cry less. Sometimes I still feel crushed with how long it will take to do IVF again. April/May 2008. Since our previous IUIs didn't work, at this point we don't see any use forking out 2 tickets to SAT just to try them while waiting. Yeah, we never did a complete injectable/IUI. If I knew we could freeze sperm for cheap I might do it (either while J is deployed, or just so we don't have to buy him a ticket every time I go). Now, our insurance will pay for everything (drugs,blood,ultrasound) used to treat infertility if used with NATURAL intercourse (i.e. no IUI/IVF). I've played with the idea of using an RE in Atlanta just to get a 2nd opinion and maybe see if they'd try some medicated cycles w/with us. I don't know though. I wonder somtimes about pumping my body full of hormones for cycles with little past success and how it'll affect my future health. Plus, it's still 2 hours one-way and maybe insurance won't cover everything. But the idea of only natural TTC by ourselves until April/May just seems such a waste! 7 months! (Well, count 2-3 out b/c of deployment.)
Well, I meant to talk about my grief but got carried away with future treatments... Wednesday night we went to bed and talked about losing the baby, and ended up crying in one another's arms. It actually helped to see my husband cry again, since he hadn't since Sunday and I felt he still was pretty upset about it. It helps to heal together, to ask the hard questions, and to be honest about our very real future fears. At least we're in this together.
(P.S. I'm so glad you all liked the picture, it truly was the happiest day of our lives and we're still very much in love!!!)
On the other hand, I tried to call another friend yesterday, but the conversation was anything but helpful. I know she cares & loves us. No question there. But she was in such a hurry to tell me "you sound like you're doing really good." I felt like she didn't really want me to talk and mainly was interested in hearing anything good... in a hurry to reassure herself I was fine. I felt that way on the phone with another person that day too. So I stopped conversing and let them fill in the rest of the call with whatever they wanted. She even asked, "What's been the most comforting to you?" And honestly, when people tell me they're praying for comfort, I feel like yelling "I don't need comforting!" Definition literally means "to make comfortable", but also means "soothe, console, reassure, relieve in affliction." Am I being crazy? I don't want to be comfortable, reassured, and I cannot be relieved of this! I want perspective and I want grace to handle this. I want hope for the future. But grief is grief! I can't stop missing our baby, but I can sorrow over it less as time fades that grief. I can be assured God loves our child and us, so He will cause this to work for good (Rom 8:28). But comfort? No.
I actually want to address this gently to my sweet friends, generally anyway. But I don't yet have a good enough handle on what I need instead of comfort (in a less verbose way of what I said above). Thoughts, sweet friends who have gone before me here?
I do actually cry less. Sometimes I still feel crushed with how long it will take to do IVF again. April/May 2008. Since our previous IUIs didn't work, at this point we don't see any use forking out 2 tickets to SAT just to try them while waiting. Yeah, we never did a complete injectable/IUI. If I knew we could freeze sperm for cheap I might do it (either while J is deployed, or just so we don't have to buy him a ticket every time I go). Now, our insurance will pay for everything (drugs,blood,ultrasound) used to treat infertility if used with NATURAL intercourse (i.e. no IUI/IVF). I've played with the idea of using an RE in Atlanta just to get a 2nd opinion and maybe see if they'd try some medicated cycles w/with us. I don't know though. I wonder somtimes about pumping my body full of hormones for cycles with little past success and how it'll affect my future health. Plus, it's still 2 hours one-way and maybe insurance won't cover everything. But the idea of only natural TTC by ourselves until April/May just seems such a waste! 7 months! (Well, count 2-3 out b/c of deployment.)
Well, I meant to talk about my grief but got carried away with future treatments... Wednesday night we went to bed and talked about losing the baby, and ended up crying in one another's arms. It actually helped to see my husband cry again, since he hadn't since Sunday and I felt he still was pretty upset about it. It helps to heal together, to ask the hard questions, and to be honest about our very real future fears. At least we're in this together.
(P.S. I'm so glad you all liked the picture, it truly was the happiest day of our lives and we're still very much in love!!!)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Introducing Us...
Originally I started this blog wanting anonymity. It was at a time where I couldn't do treatments easily because we'd moved 1000 miles from the military infertility clinic. I also had recently encountered some really frustrating insensitive comments and such from super-fertile friends (hereafter called SFFs). I needed an online community (outside of forums) of ladies who GET IT. I needed the freedom to vent about my "friends" and not be afraid of being found.
As time has gone on, I've had less issues with my SFFs. I'm actually not so afraid of begin found anymore, but I honestly can't imagine being found by SFFs. Why would they come across an IF blog? I keep an entirely separate blog for IRL friends (being military we move so much, it's the only way to stay in touch w/people all over). I have seen people google my & my husband's names to find it. So I won't ever use our full names here, for that reason. What I'm not concerned about is you guys knowing who I am in real life.
With all that blathering, basically I'm trying to say, I care about my online friends and I like those who I actually can picture. So, I'm going to post a picture of us... On the happiest day of our life (3 1/2 yrs ago), this was my husband and me. Just so you all can get an idea of who we are. Because after this loss, you women have been SO AWESOME. Even the smallest "I'm sorry" has meant so much. I can't imagine going through this w/o you amazing women. I hope I can be as good to you all as you are to me.
I am actually feeling better. I am slowly piecing my life and emotions back together. The healing is coming slowly, but you can't just keep crying. I miss our baby, but I desperately want to try again.
As time has gone on, I've had less issues with my SFFs. I'm actually not so afraid of begin found anymore, but I honestly can't imagine being found by SFFs. Why would they come across an IF blog? I keep an entirely separate blog for IRL friends (being military we move so much, it's the only way to stay in touch w/people all over). I have seen people google my & my husband's names to find it. So I won't ever use our full names here, for that reason. What I'm not concerned about is you guys knowing who I am in real life.
With all that blathering, basically I'm trying to say, I care about my online friends and I like those who I actually can picture. So, I'm going to post a picture of us... On the happiest day of our life (3 1/2 yrs ago), this was my husband and me. Just so you all can get an idea of who we are. Because after this loss, you women have been SO AWESOME. Even the smallest "I'm sorry" has meant so much. I can't imagine going through this w/o you amazing women. I hope I can be as good to you all as you are to me.
I am actually feeling better. I am slowly piecing my life and emotions back together. The healing is coming slowly, but you can't just keep crying. I miss our baby, but I desperately want to try again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
34 Hours Later...
Well, I've had two mornings to wake up now in my un-pregnant state.
I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.
Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.
I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.
I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.
Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.
We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.
In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.
I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.
Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.
I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.
I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.
Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.
We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.
In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Our Little Angel
Last night, at about 1am, our sweet little baby went to be with Jesus.
I had some light blood show up at 7pm with cramping, and we went to the ER to get an ultrasound. In the 7 hour wait, I miscarried our precious little one. I saw it... Yes, there had been just one. An ultrasound confirmed no fetal pole, no yolk sac. My blood HCG beta was already down to 42.
J and I are very sad and mourning our precious child in heaven, who only had a little over 2 weeks on earth in my womb. We don't doubt God, but this hurts all the more for what it took to get here. Pray for us.
I had some light blood show up at 7pm with cramping, and we went to the ER to get an ultrasound. In the 7 hour wait, I miscarried our precious little one. I saw it... Yes, there had been just one. An ultrasound confirmed no fetal pole, no yolk sac. My blood HCG beta was already down to 42.
J and I are very sad and mourning our precious child in heaven, who only had a little over 2 weeks on earth in my womb. We don't doubt God, but this hurts all the more for what it took to get here. Pray for us.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Update? Ok!
So I've been MIA for a little bit. It's odd to try to think of stuff to say on an IF blog when I don't have IF stuff to obess/rant/talk about. However, I can't stop myeslf from reading YOUR blogs, dear readers, so I might as well give you a new page to see here too!
I see my candy post struck some chords.... although not everyone wanted to be tempted with yummy pictures every time they came here... However, since Searching asked for a recipe for the brownies, here it is. http://www.tootsie.com/recipe/a_creamy_mint_brownies.html Unfortunately, I went with pumpkin pie for my dessert of the week, but next week I'll do these. I absolutely abhor frosting in a can, so I plan on making my own. However, I think box brownies are pretty decent.
Now some of you have asked how I'm feeling. Mostly, really well. Hardly different. I tend to get exhausted quicker, but the two times I've really done it were already exerting days. Both times we woke at 5 and proceeded on one day to walk all of Charleston and delay lunch until 3-4pm! The other day (yesterday) husband went hunting and I did house chores, then we went to the GA fair and pigged out, rode 3 non-violent rides (though one did spin around), and it was 90 degrees in jeans and no shade! All that combined to wear me out, which would not have been normal.
The one non-comforting thing is cramping. Starting Thursday night, I had bad cramping. On a 1-10 scale maybe a 7. I think it was gas, as meds and a warm bath took it down to a 2-3. But every evening pretty much I get cramps lasting from 1-2 hours. Usually only a 2-3 level of pain. They feel a LOT like AF cramps. Last week I was 5 weeks 2 days when they started, and that's usually when women are JUST finding out they're pregnant. I think it is normal, as there are no other symptoms (no bleeding/spotting, no fever) and it's always in the evening. I tell myself I may call my ob and ask, but I rather think I know what they'll say. It's not a big deal w/o other symptoms, perhaps they would up my ultrasound date, but even if there is something wrong, I don't think at 6 weeks (today) you can do much about it. Thoughts?! I have never been here before, but I tend to think I'd know if something were wrong. I do find myself taking pregnancy tests every 3-4 days, fearing I may not still be pregnant. Still 2 lines, so I guess I'm ok.
I had my ultrasound date moved from Monday to Tuesday, b/c I switched practices to one further, but who has a midwife! She works under 2 ob's and you have appts with each of them so in case you need them for a c-section/emergency you know them. But she encourages you to have a birth plan and will let you do unmedicated and try to place you with a nurse in the hospital who is good with your type of plan. SO what I want. Anyway, but it did move my ultrasound date. And that's all my news.
I see my candy post struck some chords.... although not everyone wanted to be tempted with yummy pictures every time they came here... However, since Searching asked for a recipe for the brownies, here it is. http://www.tootsie.com/recipe/a_creamy_mint_brownies.html Unfortunately, I went with pumpkin pie for my dessert of the week, but next week I'll do these. I absolutely abhor frosting in a can, so I plan on making my own. However, I think box brownies are pretty decent.
Now some of you have asked how I'm feeling. Mostly, really well. Hardly different. I tend to get exhausted quicker, but the two times I've really done it were already exerting days. Both times we woke at 5 and proceeded on one day to walk all of Charleston and delay lunch until 3-4pm! The other day (yesterday) husband went hunting and I did house chores, then we went to the GA fair and pigged out, rode 3 non-violent rides (though one did spin around), and it was 90 degrees in jeans and no shade! All that combined to wear me out, which would not have been normal.
The one non-comforting thing is cramping. Starting Thursday night, I had bad cramping. On a 1-10 scale maybe a 7. I think it was gas, as meds and a warm bath took it down to a 2-3. But every evening pretty much I get cramps lasting from 1-2 hours. Usually only a 2-3 level of pain. They feel a LOT like AF cramps. Last week I was 5 weeks 2 days when they started, and that's usually when women are JUST finding out they're pregnant. I think it is normal, as there are no other symptoms (no bleeding/spotting, no fever) and it's always in the evening. I tell myself I may call my ob and ask, but I rather think I know what they'll say. It's not a big deal w/o other symptoms, perhaps they would up my ultrasound date, but even if there is something wrong, I don't think at 6 weeks (today) you can do much about it. Thoughts?! I have never been here before, but I tend to think I'd know if something were wrong. I do find myself taking pregnancy tests every 3-4 days, fearing I may not still be pregnant. Still 2 lines, so I guess I'm ok.
I had my ultrasound date moved from Monday to Tuesday, b/c I switched practices to one further, but who has a midwife! She works under 2 ob's and you have appts with each of them so in case you need them for a c-section/emergency you know them. But she encourages you to have a birth plan and will let you do unmedicated and try to place you with a nurse in the hospital who is good with your type of plan. SO what I want. Anyway, but it did move my ultrasound date. And that's all my news.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Candy!
Ok this post is just to prove what a candy addict I am... plus, as autumn comes so with it come the myriad of wonderfully yummy treats orange and brown to entice your taste buds! I have been baking about one homemade treat a week and I bought new stuff I'm anxious to try out! Come over to dinner so I can have an excuse to bake!
Seriously, I try not to make sweets just for J and me, unless it's in a small amount so we won't have too much and end up unhealthy and overweight. I did make 6 "haloween" cupcakes last night: white cake batter with haloween-colored sprinkles inside, a pale orange almond-buttercream frosting, and appropriate colored sprinkles or black spider-webs frosted on top. I'm thinking of taking 2 to my friend tomorrow, so we each only have 2 each.
Anyway, at Cracker Barrell the other night I came across the new Caramel Apple Sugar Babies and, being a die-hard Sugar Babies fan, had to indulge (or rather, J did since he paid). I can't say I love them, but as a lover of caramel apples (and things like apple jolly ranchers, caramel apple cow tails, and caramel apple pops) they are a very enjoyable.
I also want to try these: 
They both seem like wonderful autumn treats. Plus I'm constantly becoming addicted to seasonal treats just so I can drive everyone crazy with my inability to get them the other 9 months out of the year (such as Coffee Mate's Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread creamers)!
Anyway, I bought these at the store last week & now want to ues one of them to make a dessert for church small-group this Sunday. The Creamy Mint Brownies look so good!
Seriously, I try not to make sweets just for J and me, unless it's in a small amount so we won't have too much and end up unhealthy and overweight. I did make 6 "haloween" cupcakes last night: white cake batter with haloween-colored sprinkles inside, a pale orange almond-buttercream frosting, and appropriate colored sprinkles or black spider-webs frosted on top. I'm thinking of taking 2 to my friend tomorrow, so we each only have 2 each.
Anyway, at Cracker Barrell the other night I came across the new Caramel Apple Sugar Babies and, being a die-hard Sugar Babies fan, had to indulge (or rather, J did since he paid). I can't say I love them, but as a lover of caramel apples (and things like apple jolly ranchers, caramel apple cow tails, and caramel apple pops) they are a very enjoyable.
I also want to try these: 
They both seem like wonderful autumn treats. Plus I'm constantly becoming addicted to seasonal treats just so I can drive everyone crazy with my inability to get them the other 9 months out of the year (such as Coffee Mate's Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread creamers)!
Anyway, I bought these at the store last week & now want to ues one of them to make a dessert for church small-group this Sunday. The Creamy Mint Brownies look so good!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
2nd Beta Results
My 2nd beta, 48 hours after my 1st one, resulted in a 153. Up from 56, this was a doubling-time of 33.1 hours. Quite good, since all they look for is a doubling time of 48 hours. May be one, may be two. Only ultrasound will tell, everything else is just speculation!
I have an ultrasound on 10/15, where I will be 6 weeks 6 days. I am hoping we can see a heartbeat(s), but know it may be a little early. It looks like J can make it that day too. I would have preferred one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, but apparently they like you to be 7 weeks. Close enough.
The PIO shots are interesting. Even though they supposedly don't have to be done at the same time every night, since stims did for IVF, I have this feeling that the closer I get them timed the same time every day, the better I am doing. My time is 8:00. So far this has yielded 1 shot in an airport bathroom, 1 shot in the parking lot of Home Depot, and 1 shot in Cracker Barrell's bathroom. I'm so quick at it now, I'm out in about 90 seconds. I am SO glad I got over needing ice or heat when I started IVF meds, because otherwise this would be a serious issue. I don't knwo how long I have to be on them. The paperwork says 7 weeks, then switch to vaginal (with no timeframe), which I know my clinic doesn't give and I haven't the slightest desire for! I could ask, but for now I'll just use what I have and ask next time they call me (10/16 maybe).
Now, before I was worrying about feeding anyone else, I typically skipped breakfast (well, I had coffee), had a light lunch (say, an apple or some celery or some raw nuts or a salad) and then had a typical dinner with a lean meat, a salad, and two steamed veggies. Some sort of small candy/chocolate every day. Yes, not healthy. But I work at a computer all day and the sedentary nature of that keeps my appetite low. I also have always been deathly scared of gaining weight simply because of being married. I have wanted to stay my same weight/size, and this course of eating has accomlished that. Mind you, we are fairly active in our hobbies and I worked out (pre-IVF) with aerobic or treadmill, so it was a health/weight thing. Plus, when you work in a home office it's just a bother to have to get up and make yourself something. However, since start of meds on this IVF cycle, I made an effort to be healthier and eat 3 well-rounded meals. My BMI was one the edge of low, and I was afraid my body wouldn't support a pregnancy. I tried homemade granola or cereal in the morning, mid morning fruit/dairy snack, sandwich or soup for lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and my usual dinner. Ever since discovering that someone else was relying on me for their nutrition, I've been a bit paranoid about eating. I eat once every 2-3 hours. I have been attempting to keep it fresh and nutritious (fruit/veggies/dairy/nuts). But I get tired of eating. What do I do?
As much as I am thrilled beyond words and grateful to be pregnant, I guess I thought I would be tempted to be obsessed with it. But I'm not. We vacationed in Charleston this weekend and barely talked baby stuff. Yes we talked of names and a nursery, and we prayed for it/them every day, but that was it. We just were our normal selves - a couple in love spending a romantic get-away.
And this, I love. This is what my husband and I have done together, but it is not ALL who we are. It is part of us. But our friendship and realtionship is first and should always be. I'm wistful for our sweet times together and grateful we have them. I was before, too, but I'm grateful I'm not all about being pregnant.
And so, with very little to say right now, I'll end this. I will COMPLETELY understand if some of you sweet, wonderful, caring, generous bloggers still going through IF without your BFPs decide to stop reading my blog. I know once certain bloggers made it over the hump, I was less inclined to visit their sites. I only HOPE and PRAY you all will have reasons to rejoice soon.... I feel very undeserving to be where I am. But I will keep reading your blogs, simply because I have a sincere interest in your plights and want to offer any sympahty, advise, or info I have. Thank you for being my friends.
I have an ultrasound on 10/15, where I will be 6 weeks 6 days. I am hoping we can see a heartbeat(s), but know it may be a little early. It looks like J can make it that day too. I would have preferred one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, but apparently they like you to be 7 weeks. Close enough.
The PIO shots are interesting. Even though they supposedly don't have to be done at the same time every night, since stims did for IVF, I have this feeling that the closer I get them timed the same time every day, the better I am doing. My time is 8:00. So far this has yielded 1 shot in an airport bathroom, 1 shot in the parking lot of Home Depot, and 1 shot in Cracker Barrell's bathroom. I'm so quick at it now, I'm out in about 90 seconds. I am SO glad I got over needing ice or heat when I started IVF meds, because otherwise this would be a serious issue. I don't knwo how long I have to be on them. The paperwork says 7 weeks, then switch to vaginal (with no timeframe), which I know my clinic doesn't give and I haven't the slightest desire for! I could ask, but for now I'll just use what I have and ask next time they call me (10/16 maybe).
Now, before I was worrying about feeding anyone else, I typically skipped breakfast (well, I had coffee), had a light lunch (say, an apple or some celery or some raw nuts or a salad) and then had a typical dinner with a lean meat, a salad, and two steamed veggies. Some sort of small candy/chocolate every day. Yes, not healthy. But I work at a computer all day and the sedentary nature of that keeps my appetite low. I also have always been deathly scared of gaining weight simply because of being married. I have wanted to stay my same weight/size, and this course of eating has accomlished that. Mind you, we are fairly active in our hobbies and I worked out (pre-IVF) with aerobic or treadmill, so it was a health/weight thing. Plus, when you work in a home office it's just a bother to have to get up and make yourself something. However, since start of meds on this IVF cycle, I made an effort to be healthier and eat 3 well-rounded meals. My BMI was one the edge of low, and I was afraid my body wouldn't support a pregnancy. I tried homemade granola or cereal in the morning, mid morning fruit/dairy snack, sandwich or soup for lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and my usual dinner. Ever since discovering that someone else was relying on me for their nutrition, I've been a bit paranoid about eating. I eat once every 2-3 hours. I have been attempting to keep it fresh and nutritious (fruit/veggies/dairy/nuts). But I get tired of eating. What do I do?
As much as I am thrilled beyond words and grateful to be pregnant, I guess I thought I would be tempted to be obsessed with it. But I'm not. We vacationed in Charleston this weekend and barely talked baby stuff. Yes we talked of names and a nursery, and we prayed for it/them every day, but that was it. We just were our normal selves - a couple in love spending a romantic get-away.
And this, I love. This is what my husband and I have done together, but it is not ALL who we are. It is part of us. But our friendship and realtionship is first and should always be. I'm wistful for our sweet times together and grateful we have them. I was before, too, but I'm grateful I'm not all about being pregnant.
And so, with very little to say right now, I'll end this. I will COMPLETELY understand if some of you sweet, wonderful, caring, generous bloggers still going through IF without your BFPs decide to stop reading my blog. I know once certain bloggers made it over the hump, I was less inclined to visit their sites. I only HOPE and PRAY you all will have reasons to rejoice soon.... I feel very undeserving to be where I am. But I will keep reading your blogs, simply because I have a sincere interest in your plights and want to offer any sympahty, advise, or info I have. Thank you for being my friends.
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