Drats....

So yeah even though when TTC non-medicated, non-high-tech, we still always have this glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe we'll be like Angie (and others, I just can't remember them at the time!).... we'll luck out and be one of those happy people who kinda hit the lottery in IF. (Karen and Suz know all about what can be referred to as "hitting the lottery" (high order multiples), that it's anything but, right gals?!)

Anyway, this is my way of saying at 12 DPO my temp shot down by 0.9. So yeah, I can expect AF tomorrow or Thursday. I'm anywhere from a 13 to 15 day LP, with 14 as the norm. I'm a little disappointed, but honestly didn't "count" on being pregnant. There is actually a difference between hoping and expecting.

J and I had some profitable conversations 2 nights in a row about IF. Firstly, I'm going to ask Dr. J about the FSH levels and if I should worry. Secondly, he's told me a few times that he feels he's defaulted leadership in our family regarding IF. He's let me choose when to do treatment, etc and basically thought since I was WAY more educated he should let me do that. Anyway, I love when he gets involved and talks about it with me, and I'd be glad for him to take a more active leadership position here. He said he plans on fasting two days this week to spend some specific time praying over this and seeing if he can get some sense of what we need to do next. More than likely I'd imagine we'd stay on the course of a few more IUI's before IVF next year. But how I hate the wait!

Womack still hasn't sent any info on the referral status. And with a new cycle just around the corner, this doesn't make me thrilled, but I'm content to not rage about it.

I got word of 3 pregnancies last week (1 the week before), and 1 baby born last week. It was actually to a friend of mine w/ secondary IF, so I don't begrudge her at all. I was delighted for her. However, we emailed quite a bit during her struggle, and then at about her 2nd trimester she stopped emailing/replying. I felt rather... hurt. Pregnancies used to hurt a lot, but now they don't so much - what hurts is when the baby is actually born. Because I look at the pictures and think, "I remember when she got pregnant! I was still trying then... I was doing X treatment... And here I am, 9 months later, nothing to show for it." It stings in a place deep down, at times paralyzing me with thoughts of despair and feelings of sheer, utter, numbing inadequacy and brokenness. If nothing's wrong with J's sperm, then isn't my body failing? Aren't I broken? I certainly feel it, yet without any glimmer of hope for what to do to change it. So goes the world of "unexplained" infertility.

I didn't mean to end on a sad note. I'm not as sad as I sound. Actually, that's a lie. I am. But I've shoved it deep down while I pray hard for perspective and patience.

What Do You Know About LH Levels?

Ok I have done what every RE must hate: I looked at - no, scrutinized - my charts. I can't find much info out there on Dr. Google, so I figured you ladies in the online community may know much more!!

I don't like my LH levels, on CD3 or 4. I think they're just too high. Here's all the draws I've had that I have record of:

8/06 CD3: 8.4
10/06 CD4: 9.5
4/07 CD4: 11.9

That one in April really bugs me. It was after 3 months/cycles of no meds. The 1st draw in 8/06 was my 1st RE appt, so again, no meds in my life. It just looks like it's getting "worse". Why? Should I worry. I'll post my FSH levels on those draws, which I know are more important, but they don't worry me.

8/06 CD3: 6.6
10/06 CD4: 7.2
4/07 CD4: 7.9

Actually, now that I freakin look at it, that is slowly rising too! AGH! Do I worry in vain????? I feel like crying but since that won't do a single thing to help what's going on here, I feel like: Why bother?

***UPDATE*** Thanks for the suggestion, Andrea. I think they only way I've been "checked" for PCOS was the CD3 or CD4 ultrasounds. I usually have 5-6 little follicles on each side, and it doesn't have the "string of pearl" look. I did ask the dr's specifically about my FSH:LH ratio and he said it was quite normal to see a more than 1:1 ratio but as long as it wasn't close to 2:1 it was ok. Plus I have NO other side effects of PCOS. :/ But thanks for the suggestion!!!

5 DPO & No News

Just wanted to at least say I'm here and all. 5 DPO and not caring at all, in terms of looking for illusive "symptoms." I think they're a myth, honestly!

The incompetent Air Force referral system here is incredibly slow. Remember my referral request was submitted to my local MTF Tuesday 5/8. I called for a status every 2-3 days. I got what sounded like being pushed-off/lied to, since no one was really doing their jobs. ByMonday 5/14 I was told they were waiting for Womack's fax line, which I had but they didn't want from me. Finally by Friday 5/18 Womack actually got the referral. Unfortunately, the MTF to MTF referall lady I check in with at our base knows me by my voice and name without even looking at my chart. :( I think she's a bit annoyed, "No Mrs. Impatient, don't expect any news, I'll call you when there is." I just can't leave it, I'm the one this matters to, and too many people slack off or honestly get overwhelmed.

The waiting is hard, and yet not. I don't even know if we were accepted right away whether we could make any use of that. J starts training that 1st week of June and may not be able to take any days off for an IUI. The great thing is he has both his VFR and IFR pilot's licenses so he can fly himself up to Fayetteville and then fly himself back all in the same day (if necessary). I'm glad for the lack of pressure I feel personally in regard to TTC with medical help.

Besides, today is my birthday and I'm going to an oh-so-fancy-French restaurant with my dear husband. I shall indulge in at least one terrific martini. Cheers!!!

Referrals Take a While....

I didn't realize how long referrals from MTF to MTF actually took. After a few calls to WH I finally got someone and realized they don't do referrals. So I called my PCM (Primary Care Manager) and got them to put the referral in. Now, when I did this in Texas at Brooks, the referral was submitted 5/30 and accepted that same day. I guess I expected too much. :/ This one was started Tuesday, but got bounced everywhere, and here it's Monday and not yet submitted to Womack. I called and finally got someone and they told me they're waiting to get Womack's fax number to submit the referral. They told me it usually takes another week to review and accept me. I'm glad I started this so early out (in May on our non-medicate cycle), so that I'm not stressing about it being accepted by any particular time-frame. I really need to remember how much red tape there is everywhere and let my expectations down a bit.

Other than that, nothing else new to report. Interestingly enough, Mother's Day has never ever been hard for me. I've actually never related my desire for a child and infertility to Mother's Day. Mother's Day to me has been about my mother. I have a wonderful mother and want to bless and praise her on Mother's Day. So I never feel cheated. But I did get an email from a friend last night just telling me she was thinking and praying for me because she knows Mother's Day can be hard for people like me. This was incredibly sweet and caring, especially considering this is her 2nd Mother's Day without her mom, who she lost to cancer. Unbelievable she'd think of someone else's loss when her own must feel so great. So I cried because it hurts sometimes when you feel constantly overlooked and an outcast to your "friends" because they all conceive easily and you're the one who makes them uncomfortable because you remind them that life's not always picture perfect. And I cried for my selfishness since I have a mother and this sweet girl doesn't, yet I can be so upset over my infertility. Life's such a confusion. I will write her back today, but not yet. Not ready yet.....

Anonymity?

Since I'm new to this whole bloging about our TTC and my feelings, I'm still figuring my way around. I've kept my personal blog separate from this one for the sake of anonymity, and as you see I don't refer to my name and my husband is simply J. I will mention specific places where I go for treatment, because I don't think that's giving too much info away. I don't want to mention specific dr's names, but since the practice there is so small, I bet I'll be creating nicknames for the doctors, to be able to differentiate them yet not reveal their identity.
Any other advice on keeping the blog ananymous? I mean, I suppose if anyone I knew in real life stumbled upon this it might be pretty easy to figure out this was us. (although I don't know how that'd happen since I figure you'd have to be blog surfing or searching specifically for TTC stuff) Anyway, how to you ladies all do it?

Waiting for the Phone Call

I'm a little annoyed at WH for not returning my call yesterday. They only have an answering service, not a direct way to reach them. Supposedly if you leave a message before 1530 they'll call you that day. Whatever. All I want is the referral to Womack. If I don't hear anything by this afternoon, I'll just call my PCM here and see what they can do. I guess I just know they'll tell me I need an appointment, which just seems unnecessary. I've been TTC for 22 months, and had 8 months of failed infertility treatments (well, 5 total, the 8 includes the breaks). When I got my referral to WH, all the doctor did was ask a few questions. Anyway, I'm obviously not in a terrible hurry since this month is off (medically speaking), but the sooner things are on their way with Womack, the sooner I may get on their IVF list. I don't want to bug their nurse with asking how long the list is, until my referral actually has gone through. I know WH won't even talk to you if your referral isn't through.

A Natural Cycle...

Well, today is CD3 and I have another natural, non medicated cycle in front of me. This is the last month J could travel until August-ish without disrupting his training schedule. I have brothers graduating from college & high school these next two weekends, which means 7hr car trips to NC for those. So traveling to Texas for another IUI is really out of the question. I'm resigned, but sad. I (mentally) have almost no hope for natural cycles work. If a medicated cycle with 3-4 eggs & an IUI where millions of sperm are getting straight into the uterus doesn't work, why would a natural cycle work? I know it's possible, but the cards are stacked against me.

I am going to try another Military Treatment Facility that's only 6 hours away, not a plane-trip. Maybe then we could do a June IUI, since J would only have to miss maybe one day of training/work? I don't know if I can even get in. Seriously, I just want to try an all injectable IUI cycle once more, and then I'd rather move to IVF.

On the bright side, a dear friend mailed me some fabulous coffee from Tacoma,WA. Wowie, this stuff is amazing! I'm drinking it black and loving life, at least the coffee part of it.

IUI #3 Failure

So uh, IUI #3 was a failure. I didn't expect it and yet I did. I tested two days ago and the presence of one red line told me everything I needed to anticipate. Combine that with a drastic temp drop and it was confirmed. I splurged on a Venti (I never get Venti) Cinnamon Dolce Latte. And wine. And a martini. Two actually. We were at the beach for vacation, which is loads better than being at home trying to work with such news.

Three days before my IUI, when I was at WH, Dr J told me "Now you know, the increased chances are only with only Gonal-f, not Gonal-f and clomid combined." Huh, I didn't know that. Not that I would have changed anything, I was too afraid of being canceled, having only every tried clomid and had great responses. So, I guess I was expecting this. Next time though, I'll go to Gonal-f alone, if I have any say-so.

Intro

This is my first post on a blog completely dedicated to my walk through infertility. It's taken a long time to get to this point. By the time infertility was taking over my entire thought life and my endless internet research lead me to many IF blogs, I kept figuring "this month" would be the cycle I'd get pregnant. I delayed starting a blog because I was sure at any moment I'd find myself pregant, with only a handful of entries in my blog. I'd be a fool, a fake, an impetuous girl who never really had a fertility problem except her impatience to get pregnant as fast as her friends did!

Ah, but here I am, about to start month 22 of trying to conceive. I'm real, I'm a tried-and-true IF kind of girl, and I'm facing reality. I've had the same reticence to actually take the plunge and become a VIP member on FertilityFriend. I know many people hate "charting" (although the Fertility Awareness Method is much more than just taking your BBT). I however, love it. Because it gives me a sense of understanding what my body is doing. I'm not the same ridiculous Optimist I was when I started out. I no longer even care about "symptoms" in the Two Week Wait. I used to post giddily about implantation dips in my chart, about sore breasts, nausea and fatigue. Every pregnancy test stared back at my with one Red Line. Mocking me. Now when I have symptoms, I just ignore them. I tell myself (& my husband) it's all the progesterone from the corpus luteum. And I almost believe it.

I still take 1-2 early pregnancy tests per cycle. Usually at 10 and 12 DPO. I've found I desperately want to know if I ever have a chemical pregnancy, and it prepares me much better for the upcoming start of a new cycle to know it's coming. It's not really a surprise. That way I'm not swearing and throwing things in the bathroom at that moment.

My situation is unique in that I'm an active duty military spouse. All who deal with infertility and treatments deal with Insurance issues! Being in the military means this: in order to get any infertility diagnosis/treatments (drugs, IUI's, IVF, tests, etc) I must go to a Military Treatment Facility (MTF) that actually offers that. There are about 6 in America. Since there are so few of them, and a large number of military wives with IF troubles, they're very busy. However, if you can get into one, it's virtually free. IVF costs you, but under 5K. Everything else is covered - tests, drugs, you name it! However, there's little specilization in your treatment. It's their way or the highway. You can ask for different protocols or tests or whatnot, but getting them is unlikely. If I do not choose to use a MTF, insurance covers nothing. Many ladies know how expensive out-of-pocked infertility treatments are.

I may back-post a few entries, mainly because I hate this being so short.