So my beta came back at 262.3 - stunning, for me. The last IVF, as you can see from my sidebar, it was 56 and then 152. This explains the dark line the first time I tested. Now I kinda wish I'd seen how early I'd have gotten a positive. Anyway. Got the call from WH, so much nicer than last time. The doctors there can be quite different in personality. The one last time didn't even say "congrats", but said, "we'll see how this goes." This doc was more enthusiastic and encouraging on the #'s.
I keep on the PIO until 10 weeks (I could switch to the suppositories at 7 weeks, but I like the shots and they're easy enough). Forgot to ask about Estrace. I get my 2nd beta tomorrow, and the dr's will call Monday with the # (I can get it myself on Sat if I want).
I'm just praying and hoping that this pregnancy stays strong and keeps healthy. I have the ultrasound set for 7 weeks (Jun 4). I still look every single time I can for blood (so like, 10 times a day). I'm trying not to just worry without reason. The first time I really felt happy was getting that good beta number. I feel a little bad I can't just be happy, but I know once I get to see the heartbeat(s) things will change - because it'll be a milestone we didn't get to before.
Thank you all for your love and support and well wishes. Please know if you're still waiting, or taking a break from treatments, I fully support your leaving and taking a break from reading. Afterall, I know I had to do that after my miscarriage, it was too painful. Everyone has their pwn ways. I'll keep reading all your updates, though, and waiting for your good news one day.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Apparently....
IVF #2 has worked for us. Yep. Last time I started testing 6dp3dt and tested every day until I got my positive 10dp3dt (and even then, for days afterward). I think I have like 10 saved + tests from that time. The beta is always 12dp3dt and 14dp3dt.
This time? I figured it'd be a good decision to wait until 9dp3dt. So a day before I got the + last time, so that if I got a - I'd not be surprised, and it could prepare me for the -'s that might follow in the next few days. Sort-of ease into it. I definitely didn't want to test on Mother's Day anyway, because I just wanted to concentrate on my mom, and being grateful for her life, her love for us kids, and having her around. Mother's Day wasn't tough, we called both our moms and talked an hour each. Mom mom adored the card and present I got her. I had urges that evening to just POAS, but figured why ruin the day?
Monday morning (9dp3dt) came and as J hopped in the shower I POAS. But I stuck it under the sink. After my 20 minute shower, once he was out of the bathroom, I looked at it.... And what should I see when I'm 90% knowing it'll be stark white? A second line. Pretty dark, as in it's porbably been visible for a few days dark (way darker than my 1st last time). So of course I went to show J (now he knows how to read those things). It was strangely anti-climactic.
Yes, we're beyond happy that IVF has once again gotten me pregnant. Who would have thought? I know that's so lucky and I don't even know how to relate to it not working. I know I have much to be thankful for. And I am. We are. Yet, since we've been here before ,we are I guess a bit scared. We're happy, but we know that happiness can be taken away in one horrible night. So I guess it's reserved happiness? I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I do want to be grateful for every day these embryos keep growing in my body. They were both better cell-growth than the two we put back last time. So I'll wait to see what my betas are, and pray these little ones stick around so I can see them on the ultrasound, and then the next 8 months. I'm very, very grateful.
This time? I figured it'd be a good decision to wait until 9dp3dt. So a day before I got the + last time, so that if I got a - I'd not be surprised, and it could prepare me for the -'s that might follow in the next few days. Sort-of ease into it. I definitely didn't want to test on Mother's Day anyway, because I just wanted to concentrate on my mom, and being grateful for her life, her love for us kids, and having her around. Mother's Day wasn't tough, we called both our moms and talked an hour each. Mom mom adored the card and present I got her. I had urges that evening to just POAS, but figured why ruin the day?
Monday morning (9dp3dt) came and as J hopped in the shower I POAS. But I stuck it under the sink. After my 20 minute shower, once he was out of the bathroom, I looked at it.... And what should I see when I'm 90% knowing it'll be stark white? A second line. Pretty dark, as in it's porbably been visible for a few days dark (way darker than my 1st last time). So of course I went to show J (now he knows how to read those things). It was strangely anti-climactic.
Yes, we're beyond happy that IVF has once again gotten me pregnant. Who would have thought? I know that's so lucky and I don't even know how to relate to it not working. I know I have much to be thankful for. And I am. We are. Yet, since we've been here before ,we are I guess a bit scared. We're happy, but we know that happiness can be taken away in one horrible night. So I guess it's reserved happiness? I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I do want to be grateful for every day these embryos keep growing in my body. They were both better cell-growth than the two we put back last time. So I'll wait to see what my betas are, and pray these little ones stick around so I can see them on the ultrasound, and then the next 8 months. I'm very, very grateful.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
*sheepishly* I'm the Worst Blogger Ever....
Really I am. You wanna know why? Because I went and had an entire IVF cycle and did not blog once. Seriously, how bad is that? It's as if I'm communicating that I don't need you all and care about you. I've been completely absent in commenting too. Let's see if I can explain.
Something about doing IVF this time around has me completely emotionally guarded. I have been rather subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) intentionally avoiding doing any more thinking, researching, and discussing this IVF and all it entails. It's as if I believe the less of a big deal I make of this, the less it might hurt if it doesn't work. Or if it works and I lose it again. And actually, I think I'm right. If I make IVF a big deal to me, emotionally and mentally, then if it doesn't produce a pregnancy, I might get really devastated. If I consider it more like I do an IUI (as much as possible) then if it doesn't work, I'll be more ready to dust myself off and try again. No, the expense and inconvienience and staying in Texas for 3 weeks isn't easy to minimize. But the rest of it can be.
Is this right? For me, for us, right now it is. I have to be able to try this again. I have no idea what it feels like for IVF to not work, and I need to know I won't have an emotional breakdown. Last time, I was not prepared for it to work. Now, since I don't know what that feels like, I have to steele myself.
So... Allow me to recap, for your reading pleasure. I'll try to be brief.
Baseline date: April 16th. Stimulation start date: April 18th. My protocol was changed, without explaination. But true to my let-it-happen attitude this time, I decided to not research it to death, or even bug the doctors. (Last time I started on 150 Follistim and 50 HCG daily, but after 4 days I had to change the Follistim to 125 from thereon out. I triggered 10 days into my meds, but with an E2 4944, I used only 5000 units.) (This time I was on 150 Follistim, 5 Lupron, and 75 Menopurm which never changed.) Without asking, near the end of my stimlation, a doctor mentioned to me that the meds "are working as planned, and your E2 is better." I inquired, and he explained they didn't like having to decrease dosages, and my E2 went too fast too high last time, and it looked like I was starting to peak at trigger last time. (This thrilled me to no end to have them confirm, because I KNEW from my BBT I had ovulated the morning of Retrieval.) This time my E2 peaked in the 3000's, I was on meds 11 days, took the entire HCG trigger, and most importantly, my temp didn't go up until day after Retrieval.
At Retrieval we got 18 eggs (17 last time). 2 were immature, same as last time (but apparently they try to fertilize those they said?). I spent 1 1/2 hours in recovery, b/c my blood pressure would not go up (last time, 30 minutes). I threw up water afterward, and couldn't eat until that evening (last time I had food immediately afterward). All in all, not too bad. I told the nurse last time I was alert but in no pain, so they keep my meds during Retrieval the same. I remembered it all, two docs did it, and that part was pretty quick.
Last time they only told us 8 fertilized. This was true, that only 8 fertilized with 2 nucleus, but we had a total of 12 fertilize (3 with 2 sperm, 2 unexplainably with 1 or 4 nucleus). I thought this made them unusable, but this time they told us they've had normal babies from those. They also said that they fertilize immature eggs, b/c sometimes they mature. So go figure. New facts. Anyway... This time we were told we had 14 embryos!!! We chose to do half ICSI (for better fertilization rates and/or fertilization w/o 2 sperm). Half the cost, and the doctor thought we had no real good reason to do ICSI except experimentally, so save us some money. Fair. So, 8/9 fertilized with ICSI, and 6/9 without. We think we made a good choice.
Our embryos at day 3 were also better than last time. Last time we were offered to Transfer 3, because of our low cell number. We had a 6B, three 5B's, and various lower ones. This time we had Two 7B's , a 5B, a multinucleated 5B, a 5C, and various 4's and 2's. We considered 3, but transferred the two 7's. Our idea, and the doc's, was to avoid triplets.
We ended up at Day 5, once again, with one going to blastocyst stage to be frozen. But I discovered Fertility Center of San Antonio totally sucks and steals you blind. Yes, people, tell me if this is normal: We have one embryo from September frozen with them. We now have one from May. We paid $750 in September. I expected to pay it agian this May, as they're freezing another one. However, I figured now we have two frozen with them, they'd be rolled together in terms of one yearly payment. Guess what? Oh no: Every May and Every September we have to pay $750 separately!!!! That makes me spitting mad, I feel totally taken advantage of, because I value life and our potential children's lives. Aggggg.
So there's my story. My blood test is late next week. Yes, I'm not advertising exact dates. I will not start POAS'ing until 9dp3dt since last time I got my positive 10dp3dt and do I know it'd be a waste before that most likely. No need to depress myself prematurely.
I'm eating SO healthy, sleeping a full 8 hours, totally not exerting myself, having either roobis tea (naturally contains no caffiene), or ONE cup of C02 decaf coffee/tea a day. No fudging, like last time. Anyway, thank you for reading and for remembering to ask about me (Glenna, Andrea). I care about you guys and have been faithfully reading, promise.
Something about doing IVF this time around has me completely emotionally guarded. I have been rather subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) intentionally avoiding doing any more thinking, researching, and discussing this IVF and all it entails. It's as if I believe the less of a big deal I make of this, the less it might hurt if it doesn't work. Or if it works and I lose it again. And actually, I think I'm right. If I make IVF a big deal to me, emotionally and mentally, then if it doesn't produce a pregnancy, I might get really devastated. If I consider it more like I do an IUI (as much as possible) then if it doesn't work, I'll be more ready to dust myself off and try again. No, the expense and inconvienience and staying in Texas for 3 weeks isn't easy to minimize. But the rest of it can be.
Is this right? For me, for us, right now it is. I have to be able to try this again. I have no idea what it feels like for IVF to not work, and I need to know I won't have an emotional breakdown. Last time, I was not prepared for it to work. Now, since I don't know what that feels like, I have to steele myself.
So... Allow me to recap, for your reading pleasure. I'll try to be brief.
Baseline date: April 16th. Stimulation start date: April 18th. My protocol was changed, without explaination. But true to my let-it-happen attitude this time, I decided to not research it to death, or even bug the doctors. (Last time I started on 150 Follistim and 50 HCG daily, but after 4 days I had to change the Follistim to 125 from thereon out. I triggered 10 days into my meds, but with an E2 4944, I used only 5000 units.) (This time I was on 150 Follistim, 5 Lupron, and 75 Menopurm which never changed.) Without asking, near the end of my stimlation, a doctor mentioned to me that the meds "are working as planned, and your E2 is better." I inquired, and he explained they didn't like having to decrease dosages, and my E2 went too fast too high last time, and it looked like I was starting to peak at trigger last time. (This thrilled me to no end to have them confirm, because I KNEW from my BBT I had ovulated the morning of Retrieval.) This time my E2 peaked in the 3000's, I was on meds 11 days, took the entire HCG trigger, and most importantly, my temp didn't go up until day after Retrieval.
At Retrieval we got 18 eggs (17 last time). 2 were immature, same as last time (but apparently they try to fertilize those they said?). I spent 1 1/2 hours in recovery, b/c my blood pressure would not go up (last time, 30 minutes). I threw up water afterward, and couldn't eat until that evening (last time I had food immediately afterward). All in all, not too bad. I told the nurse last time I was alert but in no pain, so they keep my meds during Retrieval the same. I remembered it all, two docs did it, and that part was pretty quick.
Last time they only told us 8 fertilized. This was true, that only 8 fertilized with 2 nucleus, but we had a total of 12 fertilize (3 with 2 sperm, 2 unexplainably with 1 or 4 nucleus). I thought this made them unusable, but this time they told us they've had normal babies from those. They also said that they fertilize immature eggs, b/c sometimes they mature. So go figure. New facts. Anyway... This time we were told we had 14 embryos!!! We chose to do half ICSI (for better fertilization rates and/or fertilization w/o 2 sperm). Half the cost, and the doctor thought we had no real good reason to do ICSI except experimentally, so save us some money. Fair. So, 8/9 fertilized with ICSI, and 6/9 without. We think we made a good choice.
Our embryos at day 3 were also better than last time. Last time we were offered to Transfer 3, because of our low cell number. We had a 6B, three 5B's, and various lower ones. This time we had Two 7B's , a 5B, a multinucleated 5B, a 5C, and various 4's and 2's. We considered 3, but transferred the two 7's. Our idea, and the doc's, was to avoid triplets.
We ended up at Day 5, once again, with one going to blastocyst stage to be frozen. But I discovered Fertility Center of San Antonio totally sucks and steals you blind. Yes, people, tell me if this is normal: We have one embryo from September frozen with them. We now have one from May. We paid $750 in September. I expected to pay it agian this May, as they're freezing another one. However, I figured now we have two frozen with them, they'd be rolled together in terms of one yearly payment. Guess what? Oh no: Every May and Every September we have to pay $750 separately!!!! That makes me spitting mad, I feel totally taken advantage of, because I value life and our potential children's lives. Aggggg.
So there's my story. My blood test is late next week. Yes, I'm not advertising exact dates. I will not start POAS'ing until 9dp3dt since last time I got my positive 10dp3dt and do I know it'd be a waste before that most likely. No need to depress myself prematurely.
I'm eating SO healthy, sleeping a full 8 hours, totally not exerting myself, having either roobis tea (naturally contains no caffiene), or ONE cup of C02 decaf coffee/tea a day. No fudging, like last time. Anyway, thank you for reading and for remembering to ask about me (Glenna, Andrea). I care about you guys and have been faithfully reading, promise.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
HSG - Good!
Well... had my 3rd HSG yesterday. Here's another one for the books.
Ok, this military hospital has an IVF program here, so they definitely perform these on a more regular basis. A resident doctor explained the procedure to me (and asked why I was getting a 3rd one!) and told me he'd be performing it, but if he had trouble he'd get the staff doctor.
See, I had no trouble my first one at WH, and I've had 3 IUIs with no trouble (except a resident once did have a few minutes trouble). But this doctor could not find my cervix! He looked around with the light/speculum for about 10 minutes, poking and prodding. No luck! So he called in the staff dr. He did his residency at WH and him & his wife were treated there (though they got pregnant by going civilian he said). Anyway, he was very nice, but could not find it either! He said this has never happened in his years of practice (he only looked mid-30's, so that can't be so many). He really pinched me, but at least he switched to a smaller speculum (they always do that). He said they'd call in the head of the ob-gyn/IVF clinic to do it (the ordering physician in this case too). That guy came in, very confidently, and found my cervix in about 8 seconds. Maybe less. Super easy, super comfortable. Here is the difference between a trained doctor who deals with those parts all the time, and a radiologist who isn't always accustom to finding a woman's parts. The procedure was a bit uncomfy, but finished in a few minutes. He saw the images and said they were great (tubes, uterus). He made certain to take pics as the baloon was deflated of my uterine cavity. I can pick up the films Tuesday and send them on to WH.
I did get light-headed and weak like I did with my first one. A good sign, I think. I rested about 45 minutes once to my friend's house. I am so glad to have this out of the way - almost (I do have to get the films reviewed by WH). I do so love military hospitals instead of civilian, I must say. At least the ones that understand IF stuff!
I got my baseline date: April 16th. We purchased tickets out to SA. Mine are from the 15th to May 4th. Should be enough time, but they can always be changed for a $100 fee (mine was free, so no big deal).
The part I did not like was that I will be on Lupron this cycle! They reviewed my drugs/responses last time, and thought I should do it. I don't know WHY, but I guess I trust them. They said I start a few days before baseline and continue while I am on the stimulation drugs. I need to research exactly what this is. I just REALLY don't want to be over-supressed, and I liked my response last time. Although I think I ovulated ~1-2 eggs before retrieval last time, so if Lupron would work better than Ganirilex (which was suppose to prevent that), I'm happy. I just had hoped everything could be the same so I could predict with some certainty my response and my dates.
So, it is a little over a month away. How glad I am to have it to look forward to, and yet I'm scared of it not working. I would even rather get pregnant and miscarry again rather than not. I hate the monthly BFN's. So.... I'll keep posting more as I get more info. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I'll comment/post more once I leave Seattle on Wedneday!
Ok, this military hospital has an IVF program here, so they definitely perform these on a more regular basis. A resident doctor explained the procedure to me (and asked why I was getting a 3rd one!) and told me he'd be performing it, but if he had trouble he'd get the staff doctor.
See, I had no trouble my first one at WH, and I've had 3 IUIs with no trouble (except a resident once did have a few minutes trouble). But this doctor could not find my cervix! He looked around with the light/speculum for about 10 minutes, poking and prodding. No luck! So he called in the staff dr. He did his residency at WH and him & his wife were treated there (though they got pregnant by going civilian he said). Anyway, he was very nice, but could not find it either! He said this has never happened in his years of practice (he only looked mid-30's, so that can't be so many). He really pinched me, but at least he switched to a smaller speculum (they always do that). He said they'd call in the head of the ob-gyn/IVF clinic to do it (the ordering physician in this case too). That guy came in, very confidently, and found my cervix in about 8 seconds. Maybe less. Super easy, super comfortable. Here is the difference between a trained doctor who deals with those parts all the time, and a radiologist who isn't always accustom to finding a woman's parts. The procedure was a bit uncomfy, but finished in a few minutes. He saw the images and said they were great (tubes, uterus). He made certain to take pics as the baloon was deflated of my uterine cavity. I can pick up the films Tuesday and send them on to WH.
I did get light-headed and weak like I did with my first one. A good sign, I think. I rested about 45 minutes once to my friend's house. I am so glad to have this out of the way - almost (I do have to get the films reviewed by WH). I do so love military hospitals instead of civilian, I must say. At least the ones that understand IF stuff!
I got my baseline date: April 16th. We purchased tickets out to SA. Mine are from the 15th to May 4th. Should be enough time, but they can always be changed for a $100 fee (mine was free, so no big deal).
The part I did not like was that I will be on Lupron this cycle! They reviewed my drugs/responses last time, and thought I should do it. I don't know WHY, but I guess I trust them. They said I start a few days before baseline and continue while I am on the stimulation drugs. I need to research exactly what this is. I just REALLY don't want to be over-supressed, and I liked my response last time. Although I think I ovulated ~1-2 eggs before retrieval last time, so if Lupron would work better than Ganirilex (which was suppose to prevent that), I'm happy. I just had hoped everything could be the same so I could predict with some certainty my response and my dates.
So, it is a little over a month away. How glad I am to have it to look forward to, and yet I'm scared of it not working. I would even rather get pregnant and miscarry again rather than not. I hate the monthly BFN's. So.... I'll keep posting more as I get more info. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I'll comment/post more once I leave Seattle on Wedneday!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
HSG - YES!
Thank you all for the comments.
I feel so grateful that I have been give the best/easiest way out... Fristly, Madigan is not only on the very base I'm staying at (Ft. Lewis), it's about 3 minutes down the road. Super sweet! It's an IVF clinic too, so they know all about stuff like this & are completely set up to do it.
I first went to Radiology with my "orders" (not really an order, as much as just explaination that I did in fact need an HSG for a good reason). They only schedule HSG's through the IF Clinic, which is on teh 3rd floor in a different wing. I head up, find it, and talk to the front desk. They said I'll need to talk to the coordinator, so I wait. She comes over first insists they are so booked up and since I'll only be here 2 weeks, I might just as well get it done elsewhere. And they only schedule them when you're on CD1. I explain that I live in GA, had it done there, and they didn't really know how to do it, did it wrong, now I need an HSG pronto for April IVF. She says she's booked to Mar7. I say, "Can't I get it Mar8?" She hesitates. Then, she is absolutely adament that I need this done on day 10. Doesn't matter that my husband has been deployed since Jan25 and I haven't had sex since then. I try to get her to budge. I ask her what if I start BCP's today, would that change anything? Because then I couldn't possible be pregnant. She hedges. She says she'll ask the doctor.
I pray. I pray. Finally, she comes over and tells me they can schedule me! I first need to go to Admissions & get in their hospital's sytem, then come back up and she'll do it. Suweet! I wanted to just yell, "Praise the Lord" right there, I was so relieved! And they'll do it Mar7th!
So I got myself in the system, and then came back up and got it scheduled. I mentioned the BCP's thing (because I actually was not going to go on them even if they said to). She said I didn't even have to do that!
I do need CD3 FSH/LH/E2 drawn, and asked. She wouldn't put it in the system yet, since I have to have a pregnancy test before the HSG and she said they'd draw it all then. I asked if I could just tell them not to, but at this point, she had done "a lot" for me and she wouldn't budge. She said to call on day 1 and she'd get them ordered. At this point, I need this woman as my friend, so I agreed. Now, I just have to go in Friday and get it taken care of. I can't believe my best/easiest/cheapest option worked! I'll still have to get the films to WH, but I can manage that.
Stay tuned for another HSG showdown!!! #3 if we're counting!
I feel so grateful that I have been give the best/easiest way out... Fristly, Madigan is not only on the very base I'm staying at (Ft. Lewis), it's about 3 minutes down the road. Super sweet! It's an IVF clinic too, so they know all about stuff like this & are completely set up to do it.
I first went to Radiology with my "orders" (not really an order, as much as just explaination that I did in fact need an HSG for a good reason). They only schedule HSG's through the IF Clinic, which is on teh 3rd floor in a different wing. I head up, find it, and talk to the front desk. They said I'll need to talk to the coordinator, so I wait. She comes over first insists they are so booked up and since I'll only be here 2 weeks, I might just as well get it done elsewhere. And they only schedule them when you're on CD1. I explain that I live in GA, had it done there, and they didn't really know how to do it, did it wrong, now I need an HSG pronto for April IVF. She says she's booked to Mar7. I say, "Can't I get it Mar8?" She hesitates. Then, she is absolutely adament that I need this done on day 10. Doesn't matter that my husband has been deployed since Jan25 and I haven't had sex since then. I try to get her to budge. I ask her what if I start BCP's today, would that change anything? Because then I couldn't possible be pregnant. She hedges. She says she'll ask the doctor.
I pray. I pray. Finally, she comes over and tells me they can schedule me! I first need to go to Admissions & get in their hospital's sytem, then come back up and she'll do it. Suweet! I wanted to just yell, "Praise the Lord" right there, I was so relieved! And they'll do it Mar7th!
So I got myself in the system, and then came back up and got it scheduled. I mentioned the BCP's thing (because I actually was not going to go on them even if they said to). She said I didn't even have to do that!
I do need CD3 FSH/LH/E2 drawn, and asked. She wouldn't put it in the system yet, since I have to have a pregnancy test before the HSG and she said they'd draw it all then. I asked if I could just tell them not to, but at this point, she had done "a lot" for me and she wouldn't budge. She said to call on day 1 and she'd get them ordered. At this point, I need this woman as my friend, so I agreed. Now, I just have to go in Friday and get it taken care of. I can't believe my best/easiest/cheapest option worked! I'll still have to get the films to WH, but I can manage that.
Stay tuned for another HSG showdown!!! #3 if we're counting!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
HSG.... Boo!
So, I just couldn't leave town without some drama, right? Things were just going along too quietly.
I had my HSG done Jan17. Remember? I had my misgivings about the doctors performing it. I know personally that the hospital is not good in terms of being knowledgable, advanced, etc. Neither doctor seemed really good at it - and the actual dye part took only a few seconds. No pain afterward... 25 minutes to find my cervix (when I find it every day when I am charting). Well, it took 3 weeks to get the images. Then another week or two for WH to get them and another week to review them. So last night I miss a call from them. The IVF Coordinator sounded un-happy.
So I call back this morning. Guess wht? The HSG wasn't done right. They did not deflate the balloon so there isn't a good picture of the uterus. I saw there were only 2-3 images TOTAL for the HSG... Knew that wasn't good but hoped it'd be ok. It seems like the docs doing it thought it was only for the falliopian tubes. Now, obviously, I don't think there are any problems - since my first HSG was good, and my hysteroscopy was good too. But it has to be more recent (within a year of the IVF).
So, it's cutting it close and as you all know, I won't even be in town for the next 2-3 weeks! Plus, do I really trust them to do it again right? No! They're the ones that took 6 hours to get a simple ultrasound when I was miscarrying. I called the RE in Columbus that I have a referral to, but they don't use a balloon for the HSG because they say it's painful. I know Madigan is a military clinic that does IVF and they're in Seattle area, so I could possible get it done there, but it's Army, and I don't know that my primary care doctor in Georgia will order a test in Washington to send to people in Texas. Get it? I'm working on 2-3 other plans, but it's frustrating!
And, because today wasn't good enough, with the of the timing of my current cycles, I'll have to be on BCP's for 5-6 weeks. I was on them 26 days the last time. I pray I won't be over-suppressed. That's a fear of mine, even though I'm a great responder. Bleh, bleh, bleh.
So I'm not super thrilled, but I know worrying won't get things done. My first option is to see if Madigan will do it. If they won't, I can get a flight back from Settle with an overnight layover in Dallas. That's about a 5 hour trip. I'd arrive 7pm in Dallas, rent a car & drive to the base & stay in the base hotel, get the HSG the next day, and then drive back to Dallas to catch a flight between 5-8pm (there are multiple ones leaving). My last option is to do it in Georgia, honestly.
And because you asked, I left my BCP's at home, and I'll probably need to start them just as I'm returning from Seattle. That I can just get transferred to a pharmacy anywhere... but it's one more thing I have to do! Oh, and my CD3 labs need drawing and I don't know where I will be at the time. Fun stuff! I'll keep posting when I get more details.....
I had my HSG done Jan17. Remember? I had my misgivings about the doctors performing it. I know personally that the hospital is not good in terms of being knowledgable, advanced, etc. Neither doctor seemed really good at it - and the actual dye part took only a few seconds. No pain afterward... 25 minutes to find my cervix (when I find it every day when I am charting). Well, it took 3 weeks to get the images. Then another week or two for WH to get them and another week to review them. So last night I miss a call from them. The IVF Coordinator sounded un-happy.
So I call back this morning. Guess wht? The HSG wasn't done right. They did not deflate the balloon so there isn't a good picture of the uterus. I saw there were only 2-3 images TOTAL for the HSG... Knew that wasn't good but hoped it'd be ok. It seems like the docs doing it thought it was only for the falliopian tubes. Now, obviously, I don't think there are any problems - since my first HSG was good, and my hysteroscopy was good too. But it has to be more recent (within a year of the IVF).
So, it's cutting it close and as you all know, I won't even be in town for the next 2-3 weeks! Plus, do I really trust them to do it again right? No! They're the ones that took 6 hours to get a simple ultrasound when I was miscarrying. I called the RE in Columbus that I have a referral to, but they don't use a balloon for the HSG because they say it's painful. I know Madigan is a military clinic that does IVF and they're in Seattle area, so I could possible get it done there, but it's Army, and I don't know that my primary care doctor in Georgia will order a test in Washington to send to people in Texas. Get it? I'm working on 2-3 other plans, but it's frustrating!
And, because today wasn't good enough, with the of the timing of my current cycles, I'll have to be on BCP's for 5-6 weeks. I was on them 26 days the last time. I pray I won't be over-suppressed. That's a fear of mine, even though I'm a great responder. Bleh, bleh, bleh.
So I'm not super thrilled, but I know worrying won't get things done. My first option is to see if Madigan will do it. If they won't, I can get a flight back from Settle with an overnight layover in Dallas. That's about a 5 hour trip. I'd arrive 7pm in Dallas, rent a car & drive to the base & stay in the base hotel, get the HSG the next day, and then drive back to Dallas to catch a flight between 5-8pm (there are multiple ones leaving). My last option is to do it in Georgia, honestly.
And because you asked, I left my BCP's at home, and I'll probably need to start them just as I'm returning from Seattle. That I can just get transferred to a pharmacy anywhere... but it's one more thing I have to do! Oh, and my CD3 labs need drawing and I don't know where I will be at the time. Fun stuff! I'll keep posting when I get more details.....
Monday, February 25, 2008
Here - Just Traveling!
Ok so since I haven't had much in the TTC front to say (how much can you say when you're taking a break that you don't really want to, but have no choice?). Yeah I didn't find myself pregnant the two weeks after J left (but it was nice to think of how fun it would be to surprise him with that call). So I went and got all my IVF blood work drawn, got the HSG mailed out to WH, and send our big fat check over there. Next time I see my husband, I'll be on the birth-control supression part of everything. So we're definitely placing our hopes in IVF #2 working. I knew - I just knew I'd be a mutliple IVF'er.
I'm waiting to hear from them as to which week in April is our baseline week, so I can go ahead with the ticket purchase and the car rental. I can't wait to be in warm, sunny, beautiful, fun San Antonio!!! I LOVE that city. The friend I always stay with is actually doing a FET sometime in this next week. She & her husband did IVF where I'm doing it when they were both still active duty. Now they're civilian and she's got a 2 year old from that first round. She has 3 frozen. Lucky! I remember thinking (before I did IVF #1) that was such a low number and I would probably have between 5-10 frozen. Ha! We will do ICSI this time, because we had 12/15 fertilize, but only 8/12 fertilize normally. The rest were multi-nucleated, meaning either 2 sperm got there, or my eggs already had more than one pronuclei. Not sure, I'll ask the RE's, but it can't hurt. And for only $900 more that's worth it to me.
So, tomorrow I leave for Washington state for two weeks! Gonna go see my friend with the Army deployed husband. Can't wait! It's been fun visiting, I got to my parents' this weekend, and I was in Charlotte Sat/Sun.
I haven't commented on all your blogs this week, but I plan to read them in the airport and try to catch up! Love to you all, dear ladies!!! Oh yeah, and only a few more weeks until the NC Bloggers meet - hooray!!!!
I'm waiting to hear from them as to which week in April is our baseline week, so I can go ahead with the ticket purchase and the car rental. I can't wait to be in warm, sunny, beautiful, fun San Antonio!!! I LOVE that city. The friend I always stay with is actually doing a FET sometime in this next week. She & her husband did IVF where I'm doing it when they were both still active duty. Now they're civilian and she's got a 2 year old from that first round. She has 3 frozen. Lucky! I remember thinking (before I did IVF #1) that was such a low number and I would probably have between 5-10 frozen. Ha! We will do ICSI this time, because we had 12/15 fertilize, but only 8/12 fertilize normally. The rest were multi-nucleated, meaning either 2 sperm got there, or my eggs already had more than one pronuclei. Not sure, I'll ask the RE's, but it can't hurt. And for only $900 more that's worth it to me.
So, tomorrow I leave for Washington state for two weeks! Gonna go see my friend with the Army deployed husband. Can't wait! It's been fun visiting, I got to my parents' this weekend, and I was in Charlotte Sat/Sun.
I haven't commented on all your blogs this week, but I plan to read them in the airport and try to catch up! Love to you all, dear ladies!!! Oh yeah, and only a few more weeks until the NC Bloggers meet - hooray!!!!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
And now it's just funny...
Guess what I got in the mail today? A bill from my miscarriage ultrasound!!! Irnoic, eh? It should be covered, so I just went ahead and called them. But at least I had already dealt with the miscarriage reappearing in my consciousness this week and so instead of hurting or getting mad, I laughed. That is one bill I will not cover!
BTW, my husband and I have been recording 90 second videos on our webcams and emailing them to each other... It's been SO wonderful seeing his face and hearing his voice with it!!! And we have almost made 2 weeks, whoo-hoo! Just 8 more to go!
BTW, my husband and I have been recording 90 second videos on our webcams and emailing them to each other... It's been SO wonderful seeing his face and hearing his voice with it!!! And we have almost made 2 weeks, whoo-hoo! Just 8 more to go!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
A Little Sad Story
Today I was running errands... and I went by the hospital to pick up my images from the HSG a few weeks ago. I went to the records division and thought I could get it there. They directed me to radiology. I explained I wanted my images. She prompts, "Do you want January's as well as October's?" I almost told her I didn't have any from October... but I took a few seconds to think and recalled what it could have been... Ah, the post-miscarriage ultrasound. I said yes. Afterall, more data is always better. But it stung to be reminded when I wasn't thinking of it at all.
Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.
I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.
I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...
More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.
And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).
Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.
I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.
I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...
More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.
And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).
Friday, February 1, 2008
I've Been Tagged, Yay!
Hello everyone. I cannot believe the support here. I felt kind of silly posting about a cat dieing, when there is so much pain out there with all of you and actual children miscarrying, delivering prematurely, or not being brought into existance even when you're doing everything in your power.... And yet, SO MANY of you kind ladies commented.... shared how you felt when you'd lost a loved animal.... Helped me over some of my guilt (though it still plagues me). I couldn't be more surprised and unworthy of your friendships and kindnesses. YOU get me through the hard times!!! It's been tough to lost the kitty with no one here to give me a real hug, and yet all your comments felt like one. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am more resolved to try to be that person for you all.
So... Sweet Andrea over at Entrusted Soul tagged me as a nice distraction. :) I'm grateful. So here we go (I enjoy these so much).
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I grew up eating off the kids menu until I was about 13. None of the 5 girls in my family are more than 5'4" or 115 lbs, so we all eat real small. Somehow, waiters let us do it for a long time - maybe they felt sorry for a family with 8 little kids. I also always took all the kids orders and gave it to the waiter to minimize confusion. We kids also never, ever ordered any drink besides water. :) And I loved being so frugal and organized.
2. I met my husband at a Colonial Ball.... Which none of you probably know what it is. It is a yearly even in my area in NC where the home-schooling and other families get together, hire out a place, hire a band and a caller, and contra-dance the night away. You dress up in Colonial clothing too, to go with the sytle of dancing (it's somewhere between the Minuet and Square Dancing, with such fun tunes as the Virginia Reel). I'll never forget his buzz hair-cut and white thin knee-high socks with knee-length black breeches. :) So cute! Of all the guys in the room, I wanted his attention and to dance with him the most!!! We were 16 years old and it was Valentine's Day '97.
3. I would gladly go for days living off coffee, cappuccinos, hot tea, and beef broth. I love hot drinks and coffee really fills me up. It's terribly unhealthy so I never do it (especially with TTC) but I COULD (and have in the past).
4. I'd gladly drop $200 at Ikea, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath & Beyond or stores like that. But give me a $200 gift card, and it'll take me months or years to use it... I love to "milk" it and save it for something I know I'll never be able to justify buying to my husband with our cash, but with a gift card I feel so autonomos.
5. I despise the sound or feeling of sandpaper on anything. I literally get chills. And the worst thing? Walking down the aisle in Lowes with concrete bags. Hearing shoes, carts, etc scrape along it just gives me the willies!
6. I like to think my hair is pretty, because it's long and I brush it a lot and try to take care of it with deep conditioning once a week and non-cheap products. I am not afraid to experiment with color, but I am with length. It's almost waist length and has been getting that way since J and I married. And yet.... I HATE to pay for trims. Because I was spoiled with great stylists in the small communities I've lived in the last 13 years, I never paid more than $13 for a great haircut. Yet.... I can't find anyone & we've been here a year. One bad experience with a cheap "walk in" place had me never going back... Yet I paid $45 at Aveda and loved it, but just can't. And so, my "pretty" hair hasn't been trimmed since July. Yeah, I am so awful!!! Split ends galore. Eww.
And for some good news, I ended up adopting a 1 yr old orange/white cat. The family was military & moving where they couldn't keep her. She's been sweet and it helps me SO much to not be alone again, and to have something positive to focus my emotions on. :)
So... Sweet Andrea over at Entrusted Soul tagged me as a nice distraction. :) I'm grateful. So here we go (I enjoy these so much).
Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
1. I grew up eating off the kids menu until I was about 13. None of the 5 girls in my family are more than 5'4" or 115 lbs, so we all eat real small. Somehow, waiters let us do it for a long time - maybe they felt sorry for a family with 8 little kids. I also always took all the kids orders and gave it to the waiter to minimize confusion. We kids also never, ever ordered any drink besides water. :) And I loved being so frugal and organized.
2. I met my husband at a Colonial Ball.... Which none of you probably know what it is. It is a yearly even in my area in NC where the home-schooling and other families get together, hire out a place, hire a band and a caller, and contra-dance the night away. You dress up in Colonial clothing too, to go with the sytle of dancing (it's somewhere between the Minuet and Square Dancing, with such fun tunes as the Virginia Reel). I'll never forget his buzz hair-cut and white thin knee-high socks with knee-length black breeches. :) So cute! Of all the guys in the room, I wanted his attention and to dance with him the most!!! We were 16 years old and it was Valentine's Day '97.
3. I would gladly go for days living off coffee, cappuccinos, hot tea, and beef broth. I love hot drinks and coffee really fills me up. It's terribly unhealthy so I never do it (especially with TTC) but I COULD (and have in the past).
4. I'd gladly drop $200 at Ikea, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath & Beyond or stores like that. But give me a $200 gift card, and it'll take me months or years to use it... I love to "milk" it and save it for something I know I'll never be able to justify buying to my husband with our cash, but with a gift card I feel so autonomos.
5. I despise the sound or feeling of sandpaper on anything. I literally get chills. And the worst thing? Walking down the aisle in Lowes with concrete bags. Hearing shoes, carts, etc scrape along it just gives me the willies!
6. I like to think my hair is pretty, because it's long and I brush it a lot and try to take care of it with deep conditioning once a week and non-cheap products. I am not afraid to experiment with color, but I am with length. It's almost waist length and has been getting that way since J and I married. And yet.... I HATE to pay for trims. Because I was spoiled with great stylists in the small communities I've lived in the last 13 years, I never paid more than $13 for a great haircut. Yet.... I can't find anyone & we've been here a year. One bad experience with a cheap "walk in" place had me never going back... Yet I paid $45 at Aveda and loved it, but just can't. And so, my "pretty" hair hasn't been trimmed since July. Yeah, I am so awful!!! Split ends galore. Eww.
And for some good news, I ended up adopting a 1 yr old orange/white cat. The family was military & moving where they couldn't keep her. She's been sweet and it helps me SO much to not be alone again, and to have something positive to focus my emotions on. :)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Yeah... Bad Day.
My precious little kitty, who was about 11 months old, died today. She was always very tiny, when I got her spayed in October, and she only weighed 3 lbs they told me she probably had something wrong internally... To be an adult cat, and yet to be so small and stunted in growth. Anyway.... I'd been so very busy with work, working past midnight last night and not even showering until noon today because I'd been working since 7 with back to back conference calls and projects due. *sigh* I didn't check on her until about 3 and she was curled up in a corner, dieing. I know what a dieing animal looks like, I've seen a goat die right in front of me (mine, incidentally). I scooped her up and put her in the softest, warmest towel I had and rushed her to the vet. They did what they could, but she died 30 minutes later. The vet said it seemed like liver failure, because she had a hard lump where they liver is, and was hemmoraghing under her skin (I think, it's vague). Anyway.... that was so hard to take. She has been my little companion since J left, sleeping in my room each night and curling up on my lap as I worked or watched a movie at night. I feel so upset and alone, with no one to even give me a hug. I just hate that it happened. I've never had a cat die on me.... She was so small and precious. I don't want any more animals.... I don't want to have anything else to cry over right now.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
He's Gone
Yes, my husband letft yesterday.... We knew it would be hard, but we had no idea it would be this hard. I miss that man SO MUCH!!!! We are both totally so in love, it's just obviously so hard because we cannot live without one another... We really had a hard time Saturday, saying goodbye. On Fridya night my husband and I saw no point in going to bed, because we wanted to spend as much time awake with one another as possible. We did eventually sleep, but my husband had set the alarm so 5:30 so we'd be sure to have a good, full morning together. And we did. It was beautiful, perfect, and precious. But we did have to say goodbye... It was so hard to just maintian composure!!!
I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.
I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!
I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.
I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Absent
Sorry I've been absent... This month has been busy. And now, in just a few days my husband will deploy for a ~70 day stint to the Middle East. I've been spending all my excess time with him... We even went this weekend to a lovely, luxurious mountain cabin in south-western NC. It was magical, and so perfect. But now we're back and counting down the days.
I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.
I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.
We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.
I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.
Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.
After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!
I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.
I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.
We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.
I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.
Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.
After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Chart Readers Welcomed!
Ok so this month's chart was unlike any other I've ever had. My Luteal Phase is always 13-15 days long. Usually my new cycle's start day is accompanied with a temp dip (or the following day is).
So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.
I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.
However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???
***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722
So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.
I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.
However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???
***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722
Thursday, January 3, 2008
13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom
The hoildays were actually extremely wonderful. Acutally, I've discovered there's nothing like not being home to talke my mind away from how different our life is from what I'd like it to be. Being away, surrounded by the bustle of family, in-laws, nieces, and a constant stream of friends coming and going, it's so easy to just live in the moment and have fun. It's easy to forget, because it's so busy... But then, coming home to a house with just 2 of us, where I work in a home-office, and once again having about 8 hours alone-time a day as I work, then preparing dinners and cleaning and doing laundry in solitude, gives me TOO MUCH time to think. Too much time to realize how quiet and empty our home is. Too much time to get discouraged. It's just true.
However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.
This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.
Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.
So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.
And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.
However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.
This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.
Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.
So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.
And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.
Monday, December 17, 2007
All Quiet on the IF Front
Well.... after my last post I don't have anything else to add. Except that sometime around Wednesday/Thursday there was a turning point in my spirit (mind, will, emotions). I had the grace necessary for each day. I had the grace to smile and laugh and my spirit wasn't weighed down anymore. I call it a spiritual breakthrough. It's nothing I did differently than any other day. I think I just had to persist and wait for it. I think God will offer us grace, but then we have to receive it. I can be so caught up in my own pain that I don't see it or don't want it when it's there. There is a fine line between being genuinely discouraged and then having an opportunity for release from it - and refusing to take it. A funny situation that occurs and gives you impulse to smile or laugh (when you haven't in days). An offer of kindness by a husband or friend (Starbucks, Target shopping) that is turned down because if you leave home people might forget you're sad (and yet you do want to go). Maybe just a feeling that life isn't so bad, and yet inside you are afraid of life without the pain, so you deny that feeling. Whatever it is, I know the moment I have the choice to make. I know when I'm refusing to partake of the grace offered to me. This time, I didn't refuse.
In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."
I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.
So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).
In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."
I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.
So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thanks, Wonderful Blogger Friends!
Well.... I'd like to thank you ALL for commeting on my last entry... I'm shocked at how many of you have to deal with SO MANY pregnant people in your friend groups and work. I know one couple in my company of 60-some employees who has trouble conceiving. Everyone else, no problem... As in, we have a father of 12, father of 8, another father of 8, father of 7, father of 5, and so on. Oh yeah, no fertility problems there. The good thing is, most of them work in the Illinois office, so apart from ultrasound/baby pictures and announcements, I am very shielded from it becauses I work alone in a home office. I ignore the "it's in the water" comments (how I've wanted to beg publicly for that water!).
The pregnancies that hurt the most are my close acquaintances/friends. And I told my husband, I watched all these women get pregnant with thier first or second born children spring '06 and now many of the moms with one baby are trying for number 2. I had a hard time then since we'd been TTC ~6 months, but now, this spring it'll be ~31 months. I just am not ready for that yet. I know SO MANY of you have walked through this. I only have 2 of those so far (friends pregnant with #1 & now #2 all when we were TCC before #1).... I love my friends and they are very kind to me. I am happy they don't have to experience the awful pain of IF. I'm glad to see their families grow and be so happy. But envy sneaks in and I just want it too. Yes, envy. Ugly, isn't it? And I don't want to be forgotten (which naturally happens). But I have to make myself stop comparing them to me. My life is different and I can't make it what it's not. I'm trying to love them, they're trying to love me, and we're in different seasons. I can't share all their motherhood joys while I'm in my time of pain, and vice versa. So I am going to have to keep pushing on, whether or not I'm pregnant when they all get their #2's.
Now, I would like to say I have incredible parents. When I was at the end of my rope earlier this week, I wrote them an email about my pain, my doubts, my feelings of dispair. And Dad & Mom got on the phone and called me, just to love me. Dad knows where I am. He has had deep, dark times of pain and confusion and one bad thing after another at seasons in his life. He told me that he can't offer me anything I haven't heard yet... That I will have to find this place so deep down inside of me, and find out truly what I believe. He said that these are questions my very life is hinged on... life or death type of questions. And he just struck such a chord with me.
C.S. Lewis is a writer I never tire of reading. He is logical, clear-headed, and has the ability to put into words the things we don't even know we have thought. One of his books, A Grief Obsered, was originally just a diary after his wife's untimely death. He wrestled with whether or not God was even good. Here's a quote:
“Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game, ‘or else people won’t take it seriously.’ Apparently it’s like that. Your bid – for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity – will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”
That's what Dad was talking about. This is an experience in my life where I have to really discover what I believe. At one point in his struggles, Lewis said, "Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all’, but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" Yes! When I'm so tied up in my own pain and other's joy, it is a real question to grapple with!!!! I know the truth about God, but my circumstances and definitely my feelings are telling me it's all been a deception.
And yet, I just know, even in my pain, that I believe something different about God. I don't believe he tortures as a vivisectionist. I believe He is the good surgeon, gently cutting out something dreadful out of me. He is working for my good. Not because it even looks remotely like that, but because I have to choose whether to believe His word about Himself, or my feelings/temporal circumstances.
Ah how far I have to go.... But at least I know what I'm up against.
The pregnancies that hurt the most are my close acquaintances/friends. And I told my husband, I watched all these women get pregnant with thier first or second born children spring '06 and now many of the moms with one baby are trying for number 2. I had a hard time then since we'd been TTC ~6 months, but now, this spring it'll be ~31 months. I just am not ready for that yet. I know SO MANY of you have walked through this. I only have 2 of those so far (friends pregnant with #1 & now #2 all when we were TCC before #1).... I love my friends and they are very kind to me. I am happy they don't have to experience the awful pain of IF. I'm glad to see their families grow and be so happy. But envy sneaks in and I just want it too. Yes, envy. Ugly, isn't it? And I don't want to be forgotten (which naturally happens). But I have to make myself stop comparing them to me. My life is different and I can't make it what it's not. I'm trying to love them, they're trying to love me, and we're in different seasons. I can't share all their motherhood joys while I'm in my time of pain, and vice versa. So I am going to have to keep pushing on, whether or not I'm pregnant when they all get their #2's.
Now, I would like to say I have incredible parents. When I was at the end of my rope earlier this week, I wrote them an email about my pain, my doubts, my feelings of dispair. And Dad & Mom got on the phone and called me, just to love me. Dad knows where I am. He has had deep, dark times of pain and confusion and one bad thing after another at seasons in his life. He told me that he can't offer me anything I haven't heard yet... That I will have to find this place so deep down inside of me, and find out truly what I believe. He said that these are questions my very life is hinged on... life or death type of questions. And he just struck such a chord with me.
C.S. Lewis is a writer I never tire of reading. He is logical, clear-headed, and has the ability to put into words the things we don't even know we have thought. One of his books, A Grief Obsered, was originally just a diary after his wife's untimely death. He wrestled with whether or not God was even good. Here's a quote:
“Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game, ‘or else people won’t take it seriously.’ Apparently it’s like that. Your bid – for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity – will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”
That's what Dad was talking about. This is an experience in my life where I have to really discover what I believe. At one point in his struggles, Lewis said, "Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all’, but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" Yes! When I'm so tied up in my own pain and other's joy, it is a real question to grapple with!!!! I know the truth about God, but my circumstances and definitely my feelings are telling me it's all been a deception.
And yet, I just know, even in my pain, that I believe something different about God. I don't believe he tortures as a vivisectionist. I believe He is the good surgeon, gently cutting out something dreadful out of me. He is working for my good. Not because it even looks remotely like that, but because I have to choose whether to believe His word about Himself, or my feelings/temporal circumstances.
Ah how far I have to go.... But at least I know what I'm up against.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Testing
I received a call from a good friend today... You're right, she is pregnant. Her second. They started trying before us, had a miscarriage, then got pregnant & have a 1yr old. Now another coming. Hm.
Make this my 3rd pregnancy announcement in a week. My 4th friend to enter that realm.
Am I being sorely tested???? You bet.
Make this my 3rd pregnancy announcement in a week. My 4th friend to enter that realm.
Am I being sorely tested???? You bet.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Different
So... Saturday my body was giving me all the signs of beginning a new cycle. This usually includes an acute lower back pain, slight skin breakout (seriously, this time it was ONE bit of acne, but since impending period or ovulation are the only thing I've ever pinpointed to bring this on, well...), and negative HPTs. I'd taken 3 this month, each stark white. Of course, looking at them I knew they had evap lines, but still, we all hope maybe we're just not seeing that pink line but it's really there. But from my one pregnancy, I know that once you see the line, you know. No ambiguity. My first positive that month was at 10dp3dt (i.e. 13 dpo) so I rarely bother with testing very early anymore.
Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.
So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.
And that's all I have to say today.
Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.
So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.
And that's all I have to say today.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Thanksgiving Flight
I just wanted to brag about what an awesome wife I am... *grins* Actually, not really, but I figured you guys might find it funny to see how we traveled this Thanksgiving from Georgia to North Carolina. The drive is approx 8 hours, so when we're making a short weekend of it (4 days), flying is the better option because typically it's only a little more expensive and it saves you a good bit of time.
When we flew up Wednesday we got there in a record 2.5 hours. Sweet! However, Sunday we had to leave NC early because weather was getting bad on the east coast. That took 4.5 LONG hours! It's not nearly as comfy to be in a plane as a car, you have to wear headsets (that give me headaches after a few hours) and well... it can be tense for the pilot on days like that. There was about ZERO visibility. Anywhere from 3000-6000ft we were totally IN a cloud & rain & bsome turbulence. You just had to trust the instruments. Plus all the airports kept re-routing us because they were too busy to have us flying directly in their airspace (Greensboro,Charlotte,Atlanta). So as the passenger I just had to hope the Air Traffic Controller knew what he was doing and we wouldn't midair crash with anyone. (I know, silly, but you have little else to think about up there.)
Now you may think I'm being over-reactive. But by being in the copilot's seat I have an up-front view of everything. Sometimes you'd rather not see the conditions you're in! Any for your viewing pleasure, here is our aircarft. After landing, I was praised on not showing any fear (under the circumstances, because I'm not normally scared to fly in anything).
When we flew up Wednesday we got there in a record 2.5 hours. Sweet! However, Sunday we had to leave NC early because weather was getting bad on the east coast. That took 4.5 LONG hours! It's not nearly as comfy to be in a plane as a car, you have to wear headsets (that give me headaches after a few hours) and well... it can be tense for the pilot on days like that. There was about ZERO visibility. Anywhere from 3000-6000ft we were totally IN a cloud & rain & bsome turbulence. You just had to trust the instruments. Plus all the airports kept re-routing us because they were too busy to have us flying directly in their airspace (Greensboro,Charlotte,Atlanta). So as the passenger I just had to hope the Air Traffic Controller knew what he was doing and we wouldn't midair crash with anyone. (I know, silly, but you have little else to think about up there.)
Now you may think I'm being over-reactive. But by being in the copilot's seat I have an up-front view of everything. Sometimes you'd rather not see the conditions you're in! Any for your viewing pleasure, here is our aircarft. After landing, I was praised on not showing any fear (under the circumstances, because I'm not normally scared to fly in anything).
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