Back for a Bit!

I've been away, can you tell? We spent a week in North Carolina with our families. 3 1/2 days at my family's house, 3 1/2 days at J's family's house. Busy stuff!!! I especially loved visiting with my sisters, mom, nieces, and J's lil sister! I spend a good bit of time grinding venison, as J got a buck and his sister got her first deer (a yearling). I bow hunted and even got at full-draw, but the doe spooked. I want to get one next week. We love deer meat and I haven't bought ground beef since our first 8 months of marriage. Very lean, and you know what's in it. I hate ground beef at the store.

AF decided to show, so I'm on CD7 right now. Not especially happy about it, but again, what can you do but look forward? J and I have had a few conversations about what to do next. I want to squeeze in at LEAST two IUIs before April/May's IVF. J thinks they're a waste of money. If only sperm banking were free they'd be almost no money, since my tickets are free. But it's not. I have an appt Nov 26th with the RE in Colombus to get the 2nd opinion and beg for more tests. That is our plan: to get a 2nd opinion to our "unexplained" status, and to see if they'll test for miscarriage causes. If I like them, I may ask what an IUI would cost. We might do a medicated natural intercourse cycle (which is free), just depends. I will also ask how serious my rising FSH is. So, that's what my goal is: to get to that appt! I feel like J and I rarely talk about IF compared to how much I thiking about it, and always at my bringing it up (twice a week?). Not necessarily bad, but I feel I'm leaving him out of a big part of my life by supressing it, yet I know talking about it on and on upsets him. Hmm. I guess he doesn't have anything new to add anyway, though. And obviously I don't like being stagnant, which I feel we are, and he doesn't like to waste money/emotional effort, which he feels IUIS at WH would be. So we've agreed to pray about it and I assume if anything comes up at the new RE, we'll talk about the future. I guess my opinion is, we're already doing "nothing" as it is, and IUIs increase the "nothing" to "a little more than nothing" for unexplained, so I'm happier not wasting time - time that may be precious if my FSH levels keep rising. Were my FSH always low I doubt I'd feel so very pressed. A future without good chances is fearful.

So that's our life. We'll go back to NC for Thankgiving, so again I'll be MIA. My wireless card decided to die, so I have to plug my laptop up to a hardwire, which drives me crazy and makes me use it less. :/ Sorry! But I just got updated and left comments for you all!

Baseline Date!

Whoo-hoo! I got my baseline appointment date: August 30th! I start BCP's around the first of August, and last pill will be the 26th! I was afraid of having to take them for 2 months, but here it looks like 3-4 weeks! That makes me glad.

I'll fly out the 29th, early, for my peace of mind! Then I go in on the 30th at 6:30 for labs and an ultrasound. I've never had cysts that didn't leave the next cycle in my life, and with 2 months off meds, I could not imagine a problem (knock on wood!). I plan on flying out that afternoon back to GA. This means I get to spend Labor Day with my husband! Another thing to be grateful for. They can't tell me when I'll be back that next week, but I'm assuming Thursday/Friday. I'm glad I've done enough IUI's to predict somewhat how often I'm asked to come in.

I can't say how much this IVF has been a saving grace for my emotions. We are finally doing something agressive! It doesn't guarantee even a pregnancy, but we're trying! You see, when my cycle started this past Saturday, I wasn't upset and I didn't cry. Because it's just one more cycle closer to IVF. When I got home and checked a friend's blog (the friend who sent the sweet email on mother's day), I found out she's 9 weeks pregnant. I visited her last week in person and she said they were going to wait until late summer to try for #2. She had no idea (I totally don't relate to that)! When she'd told me that, I'd been thinking, "Good, maybe she'll only get pregnant a few weeks before my IVF and I won't find out until after mine is over and maybe we could be pregnant together. At least I don't have to find out before!" Ha! I was sincerely glad for her, and called her almost immediately. She was sweet. But late that night in bed, when I told my husband, the tears fell hard and fast. I don't know what it's like to be "surprised" by a pregnancy, and I certainly don't have the joy of producing a baby out of just the union of our love. And that pierces me deep down. As grateful as I am for IVF, I do mourn the loss of a dream.

But today, I made myself a pot of tea, went and got Day 3 labs drawn, and my annual gyn visit is this afternoon. That's the last thing to be done on our IVF checklist. Our check is sent & cashed, and now the waiting starts! Hooray. And in 2 days, I get to visit my family for July 4th and love on my 3rd old and 1 yr old nieces who I just adore!!!!

Month 23 of TTC Starts

So wow, here is month 23. I'm ahead of some of you, and behind a good many too. But we're all in the exact same spot - a position we little dreamed we'd be in, praying and hoping desperately to be out of.

Anyway, can I say I love my doctor in San Antonio? I do. I got in touch with him on my worries about my rising FSH. I actually felt bad about calling, so I got his email. I emailed him and I think it was 45 seconds later he called me! I was actually scared to pick up the phone, because I guess I sensed deep down that if it really were a problem, they would have caught it and told me. He basically.... well, honestly he laughed at me. Which I didn't appreciate but it was ok. He did tell me levels will fluctuate (I insisted, "But mine are only fluctutating up!"), and that mine weren't moving enough to be concerned. That just because they moved 1.3 in 8 months wouldn't mean they'd do that the next 8 months. And then he says (as he looks at my file - he had me wait as he went and got it), "You're so young!" It made me laugh. I mean, I guess if I were 21 and married a few years and TTC for 2 years without success, I could at least understand him saying that. But I'm closer to 30 that I am 20. 26. That's more than halfway. Anyway, you may wonder why I like him so much when it doesn't sound like he took me serious. But I feel like he's always listened and has a good track record with me. Plus, WH has really good results on how good their doctors/residents, IVF success rates, etc are. The doctor did his residency at a very prestigous clinic for pete's sake! So, though I didn't appreciate that he didn't at least seem concerned, I do believe he has the medical knowledge and I don't. When I was all worried about the radiologists report on my HSG (which he & another RE disagreed with), they still let me do a hysteroscopy to make sure it was ok. So I feel they do listen when there's room for doubt.

Plus, we started talking about my next visit doing another Clomid/Gonal-f combined treatment just like last time. I asked about going straight to just Gonal-f and he explained reasons they'd want another combined cycle or 2. Then he went on to tell me that IF I did an only Gonal-f cycle, I should at least try do it in when the clinic is doing IVF because then there'd be a possibility of converting to an IVF if I had too many follicles, rather than just canceling me, since that IVF cycle would be only bumping me up one cycle. then he suggested since all my tests expire in August, I need to go ahead if I come in July/Aug to get them repeated when I'm already in town so that when my IVF time comes around, I'll have it all done. That probably saved me a whole trip to San Antonio! His forethought is so apprecaited! Anyway, he's really what's made me not hate WH. I definitely used to.

I did call Womack this Thursday to check on the referral, since my MTF just kept telling me they'd sent it and not to expect news this soon. Sure enough, Womack never received it! The nurse kindly told me to give my MTF the exact fax and try again, but that she'd talk to the doctor anyway about if/when I could do treatments there. I'd welcome a sooner IVF date or a few IUI's, it'd be much closer than WH. We could theoretically do one this month, if Womack said so. It's a 6 hour drive, or for J just a few hour flight (he'd fly himself). I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'd LOVE an IUI this month. Plus I just love Gonal-f shots! It actually feels like I'm doing something helpful.

That's all my news. We'll see what this week holds in store. Because my brother visited here this weekend, I was too busy visiting, cooking, and being happy to even care that my cycle started. :)

IUI #3 Failure

So uh, IUI #3 was a failure. I didn't expect it and yet I did. I tested two days ago and the presence of one red line told me everything I needed to anticipate. Combine that with a drastic temp drop and it was confirmed. I splurged on a Venti (I never get Venti) Cinnamon Dolce Latte. And wine. And a martini. Two actually. We were at the beach for vacation, which is loads better than being at home trying to work with such news.

Three days before my IUI, when I was at WH, Dr J told me "Now you know, the increased chances are only with only Gonal-f, not Gonal-f and clomid combined." Huh, I didn't know that. Not that I would have changed anything, I was too afraid of being canceled, having only every tried clomid and had great responses. So, I guess I was expecting this. Next time though, I'll go to Gonal-f alone, if I have any say-so.

IUI #2 Failure

We're officially moved out of San Antonio. The move was.... a bit horendous. Only because it was scheduled on Thursday/Friday and we just learned that on Monday that week! So very little time to prepare. When our orders didn't come a week out, we assumed we couldn't move by the 15th, so we boght plane tickets back to NC that night. So those obviously couldn't get used, because the movers didn't leave our house until 8:15pm!!! We still tried to get to the airport, but the ticket counters were closed. So we got dinner and went to our friends' house. We bought tickets out for Saturday, but had to get separate airlines.... Boo. :( However, God was gracious we even got tickets! Mine we used Delta Skymiles to get. I'm glad we had them! R kindly got up early and bundled 10-month-old E into the carseat and took us to the airport! She had homemade coffeecake and hot chai/coffee for us, too. She really has become my best friend in San Antonio, even though I only just met her in August/September! Our weekly get-togethers were a real blessing. Her walk through infertility has been such a comfort to me.

And yes, IUI #2 was a big failure. I had one last appointment scheduled with Dr. J and we went over possible scenarios for future treatments. J and I have so much to think and pray and talk about.... So many decisions. None of them are inexpensive. Most likely I can go back in February/March for another IUI, but this time on injectible drugs (gonal-f) rather than clomid (increased pregnancy rates, better quality eggs/follicles). Of course, if I overstimulate (8 follicles for example) I could fly out there are be canceled.... So it takes it to an even higher-stake risk emotionally!

Even though he said they try to be fair as in making everyone wait a certain amount of time before going on the IVF list, because I'm moving he said I could get a special consideration and get on the list. Currently, at my position on the list, I'd be looking at cycling in April 2008, although there is a good likelihood of a few months sooner. Dr. J said, "I just can't see it being April 2008 and you not being pregnant! You're young and you respond well and we can't find anything wrong with you." I told him I couldn't see it either, but I didn't want to take the chance. I said I couldn't have seen it being December 2006 and me not pregnant, but here we are! He let me ask as many questions as I had and spent a lot of time making sure all our bases were covered. I'm so grateful he started working there, he is very good and compassionate!

This last week it's been excrutiatingly hard to kick the discouragement/depression, but I think yesterday I finally did.... for this month, anyway. J and I have had the hardest time reaching any sort of oneness emotionally. It's the most lonely/alienated situation I've been in my whole life.

On to IUI #2 I Guess?

Tomorrow I get to go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work (CD4 actually). I counted and this will be my 13th visit to WH. So I realize that's not a ton of visits, but over 4 months it has felt it at times! By post-Thanksgiving, it should be up to 15 visits. That averages out to about 4 a month. Rambling here, sorry!

Not sure which doctor is doing the ultrasounds tomorrow. But to humor you all, I thought it might be interesting to tell you how these appointments go. It is NOT the typical, call & get an appointment time, be seen, leave. You see, WH is one of the few military infertility centers in the US. They see people from all over. Plus, they have an ob-gyn clinic there, too, so they see regular ladies and pregnant ladies, etc. Their doctors are extremely understaffed, I'd say. So, in order to make it easiest for all their doctors, ALL ladies needing normal pregnancy or infertility-related ultrasounds basically get a paper on the "routine" way to do this. They tell you to show up at 7, get a number at the labratory, get your blood drawn, get a number for an ultrasound, get your ultrasound. Well, ha! It's basically a "cattle call." If everyone shows up, they figure the doctors can do as many women as possible before regular patients show up for their appointments, then if you haven't been gotten to, they'll fit you in that morning if possible. Until then, you must wait! You could be there til noon! Makes sense though.

Now, thankfully my friend R has been through ALL of this. So she actually advised me what to really do. This is how it actually works for me, what I'll be doing tomorrow.

4:00am - Wake, Shower, etc
5:00am - Leave for WH
5:30am - Arrive WH, Come In, Get Number from Labratory, Sit down Outside Closed Doors of Clinic & Wait (read book or have quiet time)
6:30am - (Get irritated looks from the ladies arriving after you, since you'll get #1) Nurse opens Clinic, Go in and get #1, head over to Labratory for Blood Work
6:35am - Labratory doors open, Stand Amazed at ALL the Old People already Waiting with Numbers (10 at least!)
6:45-7:00am - Get Blood Taken Sometime In There
7:00am - Head to Clinic, Get Number Called, Get Room & do the fun "undress from waist down", Wait with huge real sheet on (thank God it's big & not paper!), Get called into next room for ultrasound, Get Follicles and Lining measured, Talk to Doctor, Pray they listen, Get next appointment scheduled
8:15ish - Leave (grab a decaf cappuccino from the coffee shop in the clinic)

By that time, you feel like you've experienced a whole day's worth of activity, when really it's barely time to start work!

I know that might be boring for you all to read, but things like this are a huge deal to me. The military world and the infertility world are so confined to themselves, and so few people even have the slightest idea what it's like. I think by sharing, perhaps it can help us all in general to be more compassionate and understanding when meeting other people in situations we don't know. Like when a friend tells me, "My son was in the NICU for 2 weeks after his birth." And I just say how sorry I am. Truly, I have not entered into her pain and fear and sorrow over that part of her life. If I just try to put myself in her shoes, I believe I can more truly fulfill the command to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." In a Charles Williams sort of way, the "Doctrine of Substituted Love." (If you haven't read Descent Into Hell, you won't understand that.)

Anyway, my perspective has lightened today and all shall be according to God's will. If this all keeps failing, that too must be the hand of God. The God who opened Rebekah's womb when Isaac prayed, who opened Elizabeth and Rachel and Sarah's and Hannah's wombs each. I take comfort in the fact that 3 days after the resounding "Not This Time" being all too obvious, I have fresh Christ-centered perspective again. Glory be to Him, because that is a gift Satan is eager to steal away. I want to guard is preciously, by hearing His Words fresh each morning, and Communing with Him throughout my Day.

And truly, each evening when my dear husband comes through the door looking so handsome in his olive drab flight suit, sweeping me up in his arms with joy at being home with me, I remember that by my marriage, I have been so, so blessed. This is the Season of Life I'm given, give praise, have joy, and turn my future yearnings back to God's timing.

Upcoming Hysteroscopy

Well, yes, another cycle without a pregnancy, but God has had lots of things scheduled for these upcoming weeks, so I'm encouraged. I think I've taken this "failure" better than any other (except maybe the 1st couple of months, before I realized how long this would take). I really only dealt with some tears and hurts for a few minutes, and J held me and kissed me and comforted me, and then it was over. Really a blessing. I give God the credit for that.

So, Thursday I go in for a hysteroscopy. (This is where they take a camera into the uterus so they can see exactly what's in there.) The doctors re-reviewed my HSG and determined that they aren't necessarily changing their first analysis, but they are recommending a hysteroscopy so they can actually see what the "abnormal filling" is. They said that if it were polyps, they would not allow a fertilized egg to implant!!! I'm really hoping that's been our problem all along, and that they can do an in-office precedure and remove them (rather than an anasthesia & later appt). Anyway, that's also the day of my baseline blood work and ultrasound. They will check on the growth of my follicles, and my endometrial lining, and then tell me when next to come in.

From then on, I'll be checked fairly regularly like this, and when the follicles are considered mature enough, I will either get or administer to myself a shot of HCG, to induce my body to ovulate. This is just a part of how they do monitored cycles. I do not need it, but it's procedure. That's fine with me. My body has always ovulated nicely, and for the last cycle my 7 DPO progesterone level was a 98!!! That's a great number! They only look for a 10 or 15 on a medicated cycle (the higher the number, the stronger the ovulation). Anyway....

Failure

Well, even though the chances of getting pregnant this month were greatly increased, medically speaking, from my HSG and from the Clomid, God did not choose to allow us to conceive this time.

Even though I had some good reasons to hope, from charting, it wasn't so. I am definitely disappointed, but not despairing. Christ reigns, I have eternal life, and He works all things for good to those who love Him, who are the called according to His purpose. The power of Christ is being formed in me. This is a chance to believe God and trust. How can I pass up so great an opportunity?

I do wish I weren't so alone in this, but God obviously wants me to rely only on Him. We'll just maintain hope and keep praying. And I'd ask the same of my friends. Just think of me and pray, when it's on your hearts.