IUI #2 Failure

We're officially moved out of San Antonio. The move was.... a bit horendous. Only because it was scheduled on Thursday/Friday and we just learned that on Monday that week! So very little time to prepare. When our orders didn't come a week out, we assumed we couldn't move by the 15th, so we boght plane tickets back to NC that night. So those obviously couldn't get used, because the movers didn't leave our house until 8:15pm!!! We still tried to get to the airport, but the ticket counters were closed. So we got dinner and went to our friends' house. We bought tickets out for Saturday, but had to get separate airlines.... Boo. :( However, God was gracious we even got tickets! Mine we used Delta Skymiles to get. I'm glad we had them! R kindly got up early and bundled 10-month-old E into the carseat and took us to the airport! She had homemade coffeecake and hot chai/coffee for us, too. She really has become my best friend in San Antonio, even though I only just met her in August/September! Our weekly get-togethers were a real blessing. Her walk through infertility has been such a comfort to me.

And yes, IUI #2 was a big failure. I had one last appointment scheduled with Dr. J and we went over possible scenarios for future treatments. J and I have so much to think and pray and talk about.... So many decisions. None of them are inexpensive. Most likely I can go back in February/March for another IUI, but this time on injectible drugs (gonal-f) rather than clomid (increased pregnancy rates, better quality eggs/follicles). Of course, if I overstimulate (8 follicles for example) I could fly out there are be canceled.... So it takes it to an even higher-stake risk emotionally!

Even though he said they try to be fair as in making everyone wait a certain amount of time before going on the IVF list, because I'm moving he said I could get a special consideration and get on the list. Currently, at my position on the list, I'd be looking at cycling in April 2008, although there is a good likelihood of a few months sooner. Dr. J said, "I just can't see it being April 2008 and you not being pregnant! You're young and you respond well and we can't find anything wrong with you." I told him I couldn't see it either, but I didn't want to take the chance. I said I couldn't have seen it being December 2006 and me not pregnant, but here we are! He let me ask as many questions as I had and spent a lot of time making sure all our bases were covered. I'm so grateful he started working there, he is very good and compassionate!

This last week it's been excrutiatingly hard to kick the discouragement/depression, but I think yesterday I finally did.... for this month, anyway. J and I have had the hardest time reaching any sort of oneness emotionally. It's the most lonely/alienated situation I've been in my whole life.

IUI #2 Completed!

IUI #2 is complete. CD14 (The morning of the trigger, 1 day before the IUI) showed:

E2: 982.2 (not as good as 1447 last time at CD13)
FSH: 6.7
LH: 21.4 (almost surging?)
Left Ovary: 23, 14.9, 4 less than 10
Right Ovary: 10.2, 10 less than 10
Lining 8.7

Timing seemed pretty good, although I continue to be preturbed by the right ovary not having any mature eggs. Sperm post-wash: 73 million, 45% motile (not as good as last time either). I guess that's ok, I just like my chances as increased as possible. The shot was no trouble. J's words last night were, "I'm getting good at this, and I hate it!" Poor him! We got to go in together today and the same resident doctor that did it last time did it this time. She was good, but it was a bit more painful than I remember. This time, I've been completely prone all day. Not risking anything getting up, no matter if they say it's ok. J came home at lunchtime with a pizza (my favorite, btw) and a decaf Starbucks Gingerbread Latte. That was such a sweet gesture! It really made me feel so well taken care of by him.

So now beings the dreaded 2ww.... again. However, I'm going to find joy in it. That's one thing the Lord's been speaking to me lately. To find joy in this trial. So I'm attempting to. I'm so grateful
everything turned out well this time.

I'm curious if I'll feel the HCG hormones this time like I did last time. It's equivalent of what you're feel at 6 weeks past conception. :/

IUI #2 Blood & Follicle Update

The appointment went well. These are CD4 Levels:

E2: 38.5
FSH: 7.2
LH: 9.5
Left Ovary: 6 less than 10
Right Ovary: 5 less than 10

I am going in the Monday after Thankgiving for my next blood/ultrasound. 95% chance I won't have ovulated yet, and they'll prescribe the HCG shot for that evening and the IUI for Tuesday morning. That would be perfect, in my opinion. The alarm clock was 15 minutes fast this morning (accidentally) so I actually left the house at 4:45. Oh well. I got #1 again for ultrasounds. :)

The lady in the lab that took my blood was not good, however! I felt the needle go in WAY too far and it hurt immensely throughout the draw & upon her taking it out. She even asked if I was ok (never had that before). Did she know how bad she was? I even have a bruise, that's a first! The doctor (Dr. M - a good one, but not my favorite) said the usual procedure is to go through 9 IUIs before getting on the IVF list!!! That's a lot! 3 Clomid/IUI, 3 Clomid/Gonal-f/IUI and 3 Gonal-f/IUI.

He did offer to, on an individual basis, consider the fact that we're moving and put us on the IVF list, which is a 12-18 month wait. J & I will pray about all this. Flying back here for IUIs may be more expensive than just doing them in GA. I just don't know. Good thing God promises wisdom for those who ask!

On to IUI #2 I Guess?

Tomorrow I get to go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work (CD4 actually). I counted and this will be my 13th visit to WH. So I realize that's not a ton of visits, but over 4 months it has felt it at times! By post-Thanksgiving, it should be up to 15 visits. That averages out to about 4 a month. Rambling here, sorry!

Not sure which doctor is doing the ultrasounds tomorrow. But to humor you all, I thought it might be interesting to tell you how these appointments go. It is NOT the typical, call & get an appointment time, be seen, leave. You see, WH is one of the few military infertility centers in the US. They see people from all over. Plus, they have an ob-gyn clinic there, too, so they see regular ladies and pregnant ladies, etc. Their doctors are extremely understaffed, I'd say. So, in order to make it easiest for all their doctors, ALL ladies needing normal pregnancy or infertility-related ultrasounds basically get a paper on the "routine" way to do this. They tell you to show up at 7, get a number at the labratory, get your blood drawn, get a number for an ultrasound, get your ultrasound. Well, ha! It's basically a "cattle call." If everyone shows up, they figure the doctors can do as many women as possible before regular patients show up for their appointments, then if you haven't been gotten to, they'll fit you in that morning if possible. Until then, you must wait! You could be there til noon! Makes sense though.

Now, thankfully my friend R has been through ALL of this. So she actually advised me what to really do. This is how it actually works for me, what I'll be doing tomorrow.

4:00am - Wake, Shower, etc
5:00am - Leave for WH
5:30am - Arrive WH, Come In, Get Number from Labratory, Sit down Outside Closed Doors of Clinic & Wait (read book or have quiet time)
6:30am - (Get irritated looks from the ladies arriving after you, since you'll get #1) Nurse opens Clinic, Go in and get #1, head over to Labratory for Blood Work
6:35am - Labratory doors open, Stand Amazed at ALL the Old People already Waiting with Numbers (10 at least!)
6:45-7:00am - Get Blood Taken Sometime In There
7:00am - Head to Clinic, Get Number Called, Get Room & do the fun "undress from waist down", Wait with huge real sheet on (thank God it's big & not paper!), Get called into next room for ultrasound, Get Follicles and Lining measured, Talk to Doctor, Pray they listen, Get next appointment scheduled
8:15ish - Leave (grab a decaf cappuccino from the coffee shop in the clinic)

By that time, you feel like you've experienced a whole day's worth of activity, when really it's barely time to start work!

I know that might be boring for you all to read, but things like this are a huge deal to me. The military world and the infertility world are so confined to themselves, and so few people even have the slightest idea what it's like. I think by sharing, perhaps it can help us all in general to be more compassionate and understanding when meeting other people in situations we don't know. Like when a friend tells me, "My son was in the NICU for 2 weeks after his birth." And I just say how sorry I am. Truly, I have not entered into her pain and fear and sorrow over that part of her life. If I just try to put myself in her shoes, I believe I can more truly fulfill the command to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." In a Charles Williams sort of way, the "Doctrine of Substituted Love." (If you haven't read Descent Into Hell, you won't understand that.)

Anyway, my perspective has lightened today and all shall be according to God's will. If this all keeps failing, that too must be the hand of God. The God who opened Rebekah's womb when Isaac prayed, who opened Elizabeth and Rachel and Sarah's and Hannah's wombs each. I take comfort in the fact that 3 days after the resounding "Not This Time" being all too obvious, I have fresh Christ-centered perspective again. Glory be to Him, because that is a gift Satan is eager to steal away. I want to guard is preciously, by hearing His Words fresh each morning, and Communing with Him throughout my Day.

And truly, each evening when my dear husband comes through the door looking so handsome in his olive drab flight suit, sweeping me up in his arms with joy at being home with me, I remember that by my marriage, I have been so, so blessed. This is the Season of Life I'm given, give praise, have joy, and turn my future yearnings back to God's timing.